I am 40 with a little boy of 2, I am a stay at home Dad, been with my wife for 19 years and married for 13 years she has a very good well paid job which makes our life on one wage comfortable.
My parents both died suddenly when I was in my early 20's and I had a kind of breakdown, did very badly in my finals at university after that I just drifted. My wife at that time my girlfriend was my lifeline, being driven, knowing exactly what she wants and getting it she seemed very strong to me and I needed that. During that time she left me several times to try things with other men telling me directly that she would rather be with a man who could match her income and that she felt her quality of life would suffer with me. I always took her back, when these affairs ended.
Around this time I did meet someone else and i I did fall in love with her. She was the only person I have ever been able to be myself with and not feel bad about who I am or pretend to be something else. I am ashamed to say part of my reason for not starting a relationship with her (we were only ever friends) was that I did want the security and lifestyle my wife could provide me with, I am a wealthy background and used to a certain lifestyle. This other woman was working class and lived in a council flat and that did put me off imagining the hard life we would both have as low earners so I stayed with the women who would become my wife.
Eventually we married after she gave me an ultimatum. I put off asking her to marry me for a long time because I had so many doubts. It was ok at first but things got worse, my wife has a very stressful job and as she rose up and worked longer hours our relationship suffered. She would come home in bad mood every day and it would be hours before she would even speak to me. We had very little quality time together,So much tme was spend on socialising with her friends and colleagues and her charity work (sounds great but it was all part of her image building) it felt like the only time we spent real time alone was if we went on holiday.
She wanted a baby badly after a few years, I didn't but hoped it would bring us together. It made sense for me to be the main carer but my wife resents me for not working, for not making enough when I do work, she resents the time I spend with our son and the times she has to care for him while I get a break at weekends say to go for a run or (rarely) watch a game with friends. She doesn't treat me like a partner or lover but as a member of staff who is always doing a bad job. Even so she is now talking about having another baby and I don't think I can do it.
I realise now when my parents died and I had my breakdown I handed the reins of my life to a woman I would probably not have stayed with in different circumstances. She saw my weakness and both abused and despised me for it. She railroaded me into every decision in my adult life jobs, marriage, children, where to live and so on. I don't blame her because I wanted her to do it I didn't want responsibility for my own life and I see that when real love showed up that would require my to be a man for once I ran away from it like a scared little boy back to mummy.
Now perhaps because I feel responsible for someone else's life as a parent I can finally take responsibility for my own. I am not sure what needs to happen. I don't think my wife and I really love each other, perhaps we never did but there may be some way to work things out, it just doesn’t feel like it.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I ruined my life because I was weak and scared
brasseur · 02/07/2015 00:34
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