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Low Sex Drive

(15 Posts)
FionaGallagher Wed 01-Jul-15 22:36:27

If everything else is great, but you hardly have sex, what would you do?

DH has always had a low sex drive. I am sure he's not gay, he's just not that into sex and more into studying/reading/getting better at his craft.

At first, I thought it was due to not wanting to get me pregnant but now that we are married it's still the same.

If we have sex, it's mostly something other than "real" sex. Touching, etc. And it's done every few months.

I have talked to him about this in the past, about how I need to have sex, but it will always be like this - talk, do it more often, then dwindle.

I suspect I also have a low sex drive as well, as I seem to want it only around my period, but I also do not know if I have just been used to not getting any.

It's more like we are two very best friends cohabitating.

Sometimes I get frustrated. Then it goes away and I see a wonderful man who is so perfect in every way aside from that.

FionaGallagher Wed 01-Jul-15 22:38:42

He came from a broken family - his parents were together and looked like a loving couple when outside, but always fought inside the house and did not sleep in the same room for decades.

pocketsaviour Wed 01-Jul-15 22:41:20

If everything else is great, but you hardly have sex, what would you do?

I would leave. I couldn't live with someone who didn't desire me sexually.

Lacoba66 Thu 02-Jul-15 00:13:36

Ditto...

It's not the 'be all and end all' but when mismatched, it can cause all sorts of problems, such as low self esteem & resentment.

I personally can (like most) deal with 'dips and troughs' but can you visualise a life time of the same?

As for your suggestion that you are of a "low sex drive" & are more sexual around your period"- that may be true, but the fact that you are posting, suggests otherwise, and that you are not feeling quite so 'cherished' as you would wish?

DrSethHazlittMD Thu 02-Jul-15 08:18:42

Get out now. As a man who was with a partner with almost no sex drive at all (and who later admitted only having more regular sex at the start of our relationship to "get" me) I can tell you it is incredibly soul destroying to feel so unwanted. I put up with very infrequent sex for four years then no sex at for four years between the ages of 26 and 34 but lived with and slept next to someone every night of those eight years.

Sadly, I've spent the last 5 years single with no sex either... But hey, them's the breaks. But out of the two, the latter is better, just.

FionaGallagher Thu 02-Jul-15 21:35:27

DrSethHazlittMD - did your partner have a medical or psychological condition that led to the disinterest in sex?

hidingbehindsmile Fri 03-Jul-15 11:19:59

Have to say, recently in a similar situation although there were more issues than sex. I was struggling with what to do, we got on well but it felt like friends living together. After me airing my views to my OH and giving him some thinking time we spoke again and decided to go our seperate ways. I'm only on day 3 of the split and after 10 years together it hurts however I am also excited for the future and meeting someone who can meet my sexual needs as well all the other parts needed for a successful relationship. Think about the future as if you stay you may have to accept the situation as it is and you deserve more.

Deckthehallswithdesperation Fri 03-Jul-15 11:40:35

I went 12yrs without. Ultimately it's soul destroying. It's horrible ending an otherwise good relationship but lack of sex breeds lack of intimacy & without intimacy what have you got? An empty hollow shell.

WhoremoaneeGrainger Fri 03-Jul-15 12:06:35

Now you see I don't think lack of sex breeds lack of intimacy at all. DH and I have not managed full on PIV sex for 8 years now (and believe me we have tried and still do) due to disabilities. But we are definitely still very intimately connected. I do miss the physical intimacy of full on sex, but there are plenty of other ways to show you still fancy the pants off each other. I guess I get the better deal, but DH is always more than happy to satisfy me grin.

Could I accept a long term relationship with none of that intimacy and loving and feeling like I am the most important person in his world, no I don't think I could.

I guess it all boils down to how much you love the man himself? Can you imagine your day to day life without him in it? Does the thought of being without him fill you with dread and upset? If not, then I guess its time to call it quits. For myself, having almost "lost" DH twice in the past 10 years due to illness, the thought of him not being with me makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Sex or no sex, we're in it together for ever.

PoundingTheStreets Fri 03-Jul-15 12:29:31

Is everything else really great? I agree with the PP that sex does not necessarily = intimacy and desire. You can be at it like rabbits and still feel totally unconnected and be in a shit relationship.

What's important is that you feel wanted and cherished. There are other ways to show that other than through sex, although sex can be an important way of demonstrating that.

The truth is, however, that if you are significantly mismatched in libido and you can't achieve intimacy through other means, eventually you'll detach so much it will spill over into other areas of your relationship and spell the death knoll that way. sad

Have you sought any kind of professional help for this?

DrSethHazlittMD Fri 03-Jul-15 13:16:18

Fiona - apparently she had always had a very low libido/interest in sex with any partner. Whether it was psychological or not, who knows. She told me that there were no medical issues and I took her on her word.

FionaGallagher Fri 03-Jul-15 21:48:10

WhoremoaneeGrainer - I can't imagine my life without him. And we have intimacy, just not PIV sex. We kiss and hug all the time, he tells me he loves me constantly, etc. It's just when it comes to PIV sex (I had to think what PIV was before I got it), well it doesn't happen.

PoundingTheStreets - yes, everything else is perfect. Everything else one would want in a husband, he has/is it. No, we have not yet sought professional help.

To be fair, I also had an issue with PIV sex when we were not married yet. Didn't want to get pregnant, so preferred other kinds of sex. And it was a good nine years of dating before we got married. But now that we're married, it seems he's so used to no PIV sex that he doesn't even attempt at all.

MatildaTheCat Fri 03-Jul-15 22:20:58

Are you hoping for children? For most of us a fulfilling sex life is part of marriage. Of course there are exceptions but you seem to have an unhealthy dynamic here. It needs a lot of honest communication and possibly professional help. Could porn be an additional issue?

Don't leave it like this, it's not ok. You ask, 'what would you do? ' I would fight for change. Fwiw, I have a good friend who had a very similar situation with her DH for a long time after they got married. In the end she was ready to walk and they sorted things out. This resulted in two lovely dc and a MUCH happier marriage.

Lovelydiscusfish Fri 03-Jul-15 22:47:58

Sorry you are going through this Fiona - it sounds upsetting.

Are you trying for a baby at the moment? I wondered if one of your posts, about not being worried about pregnancy now you are married, suggested you might be. If so, I can see that the lack of PIV sex would be particularly frustrating, and I'm just wondering if you feel you're both on the same page re. starting a family.

Aside from this, I was thinking a couple of things:

Do you actually want much more sex, or do you just feel you SHOULD be having it more. IMHO, as women our desire for sex can fluctuate a lot depending on our cycle. If you are happy with once a month, and he's (roughly) up for it once a month, providing you're not trying to conceive, then job's a good'un! Try to ignore the amount of sex that society and the media tells you you should be having - love the sex you want!

My other question is, could he be asexual? Have you asked him? Does he seem to enjoy the sex you do have? If he's asexual and you aren't, I think there is a challenge there - though still, if you love him, I'm sure you could make if work.

For me, I love dh to much to ever leave him, even if for some reason he couldn't be intimate with me any longer - hopefully he feels the same about me too! But I agree, it would be challenging and tough,

Good luck!

FionaGallagher Sat 04-Jul-15 22:26:16

MatildaTheCat - re: children, I wouldn't mind having, but I'm scared of child birth. Also, it's not really a pressing need for me. Also for him. I guess that makes us sound selfish, but we don't need a child to complete our lives as of this moment. Or maybe if/when we do have one we will realise what we've been missing, but yeah, a child (or the lack thereof) is not an issue.

Lovelyfiscusfish - I feel I should be having more, yes. My friends (well, the small circle who knows - two guys who've been my BFF since uni - both gays) think we're weirdos.

I once discussed the issue with him, a few years ago, and he said he's kind of asexual. Not completely, because he does feel the need for sex but just not as frequent as the average guy.

My husband is the love of my life and I would not want a life without him. When we were broken up many years ago (we were together for almost a decade before getting married, with 1.5 years of breakup in between) I fell for another guy, and even during that period I felt I couldn't live without my husband in my life.

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