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infertility affecting relationship

(6 Posts)
cooperG Wed 01-Jul-15 21:46:21

DH and I are both 30, been married for 2.5 years, together for 10. We've been ttc for around 2 years now with no success - nothing at all, not a late AF, chem pg, nothing.
We've been for initial testing, (everything 'normal') everything up to actually making the decision to start IVF, which I'm not ready for.

DH is supportive in the sense that when I go into overthinking mode and he notices, he asks if I'd like to talk, but the thing is there's nothing for me to say to him about it that hasn't already been said, and he doesn't ever have anything ...useful? to add. I know that's probably harsh because part of what's so frustrating about this is the fact that everything is an unknown, but I want him to discuss with me, or maybe even bring it up himself?!

I could talk about infertility and options and how depressed I am about the fact that I can see it never happening for us until the cows came home. I know that's not healthy, but I don't go a day without thinking about it. I went to a first counselling session last week but it was very much led by me, and that's not what I was looking for, I want someone to tell me how to cope, so I think I need to try something else.

I suppose that my frustration about failing to get pregnant is tipping over into my relationship, and we're arguing about ridiculous things, a lot. Things he does that never bothered me before are irritating me. The fact that I'm having to do everything is irritating me (although I am a bit of a control freak and I wouldn't like him to do the things I'm referring to anyway..) Our sex life has become very mechanical. Before we started ttc things were great, and now I feel as though I'm starting to lose our relationship. sad

And I don't know what to do or how to cope with this. If anybody has any advice it will be gratefully received...

pocketsaviour Wed 01-Jul-15 22:00:26

It is very difficult to cope with OP, and I don't have any wise or brilliant advice but can only share my own experience.

My H and I were TTC for about 4 years in total, from the day we got married to just before we split up. Like you there was no known cause after all the tests. We could not afford IVF and didn't qualify on the NHS as he already had a son.

My H did want to have a child with me, but he was not emotionally invested in getting pregnant as I was. I think it was worse for me because he already had two DCs and I had none, and had been TTC with a previous partner for 2yrs with no result, so I felt it was something wrong with me.

Like you, I thought about it every single day (how could I not, since I was waking up at 6am every day to take my temperature and check my cervix, etc.) Every month was a cycle of hoping and waiting, and then failure and despair. But only for me. My H would just say "Oh well, maybe next month."

I don't think men feel the urge to have a child in the same way that we do. I think our hormones (and especially if you've been on Clomid - or Psycho Pill as I renamed it) give us a physical drive towards conception in a way that most men simply cannot comprehend. And because of that, they cannot understand our pain and grief when we fail, and fail, and fail again.

I'm sorry. It's so hard, and I probably haven't helped much. But I feel you. flowers

Beaverfeaver2 Wed 01-Jul-15 22:01:40

I don't have any advise abut wanted to satay I am in a similar position and I know how it feels.
I've been with dh 10+ years married for 3 and found out in January just gone that I have fertility issues that will be a long road ahead to resolve if we want them.
I am upset but trying to be positive and dh is finding it hard to deal with too.this has left us in the most vulnerable position we have ever been in our relationship and I don't know how we will make it through

Jollyphonics Wed 01-Jul-15 22:08:32

OP can I ask why you don't feel ready for IVF? Is it because you are hoping for a natural conception, or because you're fearful of IVF, or opposed to it on moral/religious grounds?

cooperG Wed 01-Jul-15 22:15:51

jolly it's not moral or religious at all, it's just that where I live there's only one round on the nhs and that's it. I just have the feeling that it won't work, and then I'll have nothing to fall back on. I know that doesn't make any logical sense but that's it. Obviously I'd love to have a natural pregnancy, but it's not that putting me off..

beaver I'm sorry you're going through this too, I think it's made all the worse by the fact that it's not something which is usually openly discussed...

thank you pocket flowers

LivingTheDr3am Wed 01-Jul-15 22:39:35

Some words of support... It took us 8 yrs 4 gos but we now have 5 yr old twins. It was really tough at times. My hubby was supportive but he was also able to detach more or that's how it felt. He did get upset once in all that time. I would suggest getting some help from outside I don't think men like to dwell or are as emotionally invested as woman but that's just my experience. Protect yourself from stressful situations such as family functions etc. If you only have one go on the Nhs do your research local is not always best. It's a very tough slog and I feel now I can stick most things!!! Good luck

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