3 weeks NC & it's killing me! i still wish he was here...

[ohlamour]

So after weeks of v v stressful behaviour & basically him not having the guts to finish it, i did. I told him i was backing out of his life to give him space & left the ball in his court. I've not heard A THING! No call, no text NOTHING. It's killing me. I'm crying every day. Remembering all the happy times & wondering why i meant so little he literally let me walk out of his life without seemingly giving a shit about me.

we were together 18 months, first 12 were brilliant. Both of us had been married before but we didn't live together. As time went on he displayed the following behaviour:

• withdrawn - not wanting to talk
• falling ask ALL the time & getting annoyed with me when i got cross about it (he was always late)
• no sex or when we did it finished when he did i.e. No satisfaction for me!
• irrational temper outbursts or a reaction totally out of proportion to my 'crime' - like calling him on always falling asleep in my company
• i had stress pains in my yummy towards the end & was scared of how he would react.

Does NC work in helping you get over a relationship?? How long til i stop yearning for him? Any positive stories would be much appreciated. I'm NOT wanting him back, i just want to get over this!

[Finola1step]

Ok. I don't think the softly, softly, hand holding approach is going to work. So I'm going to give it to you straight.

You are in bits. He isn't. You are crying. He isn't. You miss him terribly. He's moved on.

You are mourning the relationship you thought you had in the first 12 months. That is gone. He showed you that was gone with his behaviour.

Some people in this world are gutless wonders. No backbone. Will behave awfully so that the other person leaves. So they never have to take damn responsibility for their actions. You had one of these. You got rid, it hurts.

Now is the time to surround yourself with nice things and nice people. Catch up with small groups of friends. Pamper yourself even if it is only with a bubble bath or a sit out in the evening sun.

Avoid the alcohol, it will only make you feel worse. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down. You are a diamond and its not your fault he was crap at spotting a jewel.

[Walkacrossthesand]

It sounds like at some level you wanted him to come chasing after you when you ended it, even if it was just so you could hurt him by refusing to respond, like he had hurt you, and he's deprived you even of that last satisfaction. Added to which, as you say, there's the 'is that all I meant to him?' aspect.
The best way forward, I found, was to put my thinking power into understanding why I was feeling the way I did, rather than stewing over why he hadn't contacted me - I was the one that ended it, after all!
It also sounds, if I may say so, that you did the right thing in ending it, and his behaviour since has confirmed that.
You won't always cry this much/this often, believe me. Keep busy, dont contact him and time will pass!

[ohlamour]

Thank you. I love the 'you're a diamond...' Saying - I think I will write it down & put it somewhere so I can remind myself of it. And absolutely I DO need to hear it like it is. And Yes! I did want him to come after me! I thought I meant something to him :(. Clearly I didn't. Guess that's what really hurts. Plus not having him around to chat to & share wine/meals with on lovely evenings like this.

[Walkacrossthesand]

But there was always disappointment wasn't there? He'd fall asleep, it would move on to unsatisfactory sex.... are you sure you're not remembering through rose-coloured specs?

[ohlamour]

Hi Walkacross - yes you are right, by the end it was constant stress & disappointment & I'm remembering the amazing times we had last summer when he just wanted to be with me all the time & was caring & considerate. I guess i just can't understand what changed & why. How he became so cruel that i had pains in my tummy whenever he came around :(.

[cozietoesie]

You started by seeing one angle of him and as you were longer with him, you saw all his parts. It's like a shape revolving very slowly in front of your eyes - sometimes it looks very different after a while.

Lots of luck.

[QuestionMark25]

And those pains in your tummy were your body's way of telling you to get rid. You have done the right thing. And it does get easier. Keep that list you wrote with you and whenever you feel nostalgic look at it xx

[ohlamour]

Please someone tell me when this yearning will stop? I can't stand the internal conflict going on inside me all the time, like the angel & devil on my shoulder telling me what to do. Sorry to keep asking, but this is driving me crazy. Got a therapy session booked...

[Justmuddlingalong]

Scenario 1-he comes back to you and nothing changes.
Scenario 2-he comes back to you and changes for a wee while, before reverting back to his old ways.
Scenario 3-you slowly and steadily recover from a relationship ending. Giving you the chance to meet someone who gives you butterflies in your stomach and not gut ache.

[AreYouSupposedToBeInIowa]

What Justmuddling said. Even if he did come running, he is still an abusing arsehole. I understand why you would have liked him to though
Read and re-read yur own post. Tattoo it on the inside of your eyelids if necessary but keep putting one foot in front of another until you have a day when you realise it is fading. It will.

[cozietoesie]

I'm afraid it doesn't usually resolve itself overnight, ohlamour - but it will resolve eventually.

How are you spending your nights at the moment? And what are the 'angel' and the 'devil' telling you to do?

[ohlamour]

Hi Cozie, I'm spending evenings watching TV (with my daughter til she goes to bed), then reading, reading & reading more about emotionally unavailable men & people with borderline personality disorder (I'm pretty sure that's what he's got - he had MH issues in the past, requiring hospitalisation but never told me full story). I'm trying to focus on myself & healing, hence have booked a therapy session. It's just that I keep remembering the good times & how lovely he was to start with (classic BPD trait).
I have arranged some nights out with friends, which I'm really looking forward to as he NEVER wanted to go out. And it's the holidays soon, so will have kids to have fun with & enjoy.
The Angel is telling me to keep on with the NC & the devil is saying text/call him! But luckily the angel is winning & I can't break now...

[Justmuddlingalong]

Don't, don't, don't phone or text him! He hasn't contacted you in 3 weeks, so don't you back down now. Honestly, you will kick yourself if you allow him back into your life. Get upset, get angry, get pissed, but don't get in touch with him. Most of us have been in a shitty relationship, which started brilliantly. We mourned too, for what the relationship could have been like, but thankfully weathered the storm and came out the other side, realising we were better off without them.

[cozietoesie]

Yes- don't contact him. And personally, I'd stop reading, reading, reading those things which you have. That's you still concentrating on him and even if you're not looking for ways to 'fix' things, it will still keep you bound to the past.

Your understanding will improve - perhaps through the therapy that you're thinking about and perhaps through thinking things through yourself but it will improve eventually.

In the meantime, you're starting your new life. Old or bad movies are the thing if you're in a trough.

your starter.

[BoxOfKittens]

To have just one year of happiness together... I honestly think he is doing you a favour by going silent. You are vulnerable and likely to go back into an unhappy relationship if he just said the right thing or fought for you . And it would get worse once you'd settled back into business as usual .

I wish my ex had done this . After splitting we had two years of cat and mouse and mixed messages. He had a hold over me until I was strong enough to finally put a stop to it. As horrible as it is to get the silent treatment, you at least know where you stand and can take steps to move forward .

I once saw Paul Mckenna treat someone who struggled to get over an ex . He advised her to pick five times in the relationship that her ex made her feel bad and to focus on those . Visualise them , revisit how you felt , how you cried , how horrible you felt and recognise that it was him that did this. Really bring the memory to the forefront of your mind. I did this when moving on from my ex and it really helped!

[cozietoesie]

Part of the problem is that when you move on from a bad relationship, you can feel so darned tired and empty. It's really instead of the fear or stress - which will likely have been present - but you can still find yourself wandering around aimlessly yearning for something to fill what seem to be gaps in your life.

You need to recharge those batteries with something more positive rather than going back to the old stuff. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen overnight but it will happen. Gradually you start to open your eyes in the morning and get on with the day without suddenly feeling an overwhelming gloom - and before you know where you are, you've got to x o'clock without feeling the pangs at all, or even thinking about the ex. You do get through it.

[duckandcover]

op couldhave written your post right down to the Times ale. I'm nearly two weeks in from the 'darling I'm letting you off the hook' (me to him ) convo and I second the focus onthe horrible times. For me it's my last night with him when he pulled away from me like I was contagious. Ugh! In my case I think I should mourn our of respect for how much I really did love him. But I am giving myself permission now to be pleased I had such potential for love - whilst not feeling that sad about it's end. I will always be the loving type and getting over it doesn't diminish that. It's human to love and human to recover.

[ohlamour]

Thank you all!
Duckandcover: OMG - what happened to you (him pulling away from you) is EXAcTLY what triggered the big meltdown with me. I was so upset and he went off it at me when I told him how I felt. I just knew then I had to end it as I felt physically ill.
Cozie & Box: I am trying to focus on the bad things and ALL the red flags which I conveniently ignored as I feared being on my own.
It's just that we had such a brilliant time last summer & the lovely weather etc is just making me yearn for those days.
I know I'm not the only one to whom this is happening & I'm so grateful for all the lovely support. Thank you and I will stay strong!

[cozietoesie]

Well done - and you'll do it.

How is your DD doing?

[ohlamour]

Oh she's fine thanks - just sad for me. I wanted to set an example for her tho. Her dad is not part of our lives & i didn't want her to witness my Ps erratic moods & temper as she has, luckily, not experienced anything like that. Doing this for us both!

[NutellaOnCrumpets]

I'm going through this right now too. Love this thread, great advice.

[ohlamour]

Good luck with it Nutella - it's hard but as PPs keep saying - it WILL get better!

[cozietoesie]

Glad she's doing fine - so get out and enjoy some summer with her.

How did you feel first thing this morning?

[ohlamour]

Hi Cozie
he's still the first thing i think of when i wake up :(. Then once my brain wakes up all the questions/what ifs kick in. I've just driven past where he lives (i have to pass it on way home), and he's there, all on his own. He's been in there all week. I just keep thinking 'why would he rather be in there on his own when he could be here enjoying the weather in my garden?'. I just don't understand. BUT I've been out, walked the dog & managed to think about other things - just for a while... :)

[ohlamour]

Just a quick update to say i still haven't heard from him :(. A friend saw him at the weekend & he acted like he didn't know her, which really upset me. It's like we never existed. He has form for bad mouthing ex's though. Part of the reason i split was because I'd endured n 19m of him banging on about his ex & how she had ruined his life... (though i do question this now) & how everybody hates him etc etc.
Not sure why I'm posting really, just STILL feeling sad & think about him most (but not ALL!) the time.
I've got an appointment with a recommended hypnotherapist next week: I'm determined to FIX MYSELF! Anybody tried hypnotherapy to restore self esteem? Thanks for reading.