Toxic N/C family posting photos of DD on a blog. V upset.(33 Posts)
Thank you to anyone that replies, I need honest opinions.
I had an abusive childhood but was a good daughter, have a DBro and DSis, they escaped totally unscathed, DBro still lives at home, he is 42, DS is constantly at the 'family home'. I have married and had DD (7) and live abroad.
My parents have been N/C with me since they refused to come to my wedding (too expensive), at first, DSis & I were on the same page about what happened in childhood, since DD was born, I gradually realised more and morethat she is relaying every single aspect of my life/problems (the worse the better) back to my parents to their delight, I imagine. They don't have friends or go out, they like to sit around and gossip.
When DD was born I emailed my parents and asked if they wanted to meet her, I made several attempts. They simply didn't reply.
I have gone low contact with DSis as she has become increasingly odd towards me, this summer she showed DD a picture of my father and said 'this is your Grandpa', I was so upset. But couldn't make a big deal about it infront of DD. Little insiduous comments constantly which I know have come from my mother. She sort of feeds their hate, sounds so odd, but I am sure that is what she does.
DD phoned DSis on her birthday and told her about a big competition she had won. Two weeks later a friend emails me and asks me have I seen my fathers blog? (I had no idea he had one), he has copied all the photos of her winning this prize from the school website, photos of me and DH and put all our names, yet it is totally out of context and he has refused to meet DH and DD.
I am furious, utterly furious and find it so odd and hurtful.
I didn't know wether to post in AIBU, legal (is it legal to do this?) or here. I went for here, has anyone got any comments on the above, anything, I am doubting my own sense of reason here. I must add I am an intensely private person, I have no Facebook, twitter etc.
When I complained to my sister and asked her again why she had breached my trust/privacy and told my family these things she said I was evil and she never wanted to speak to me again.
Sorry for long post and thank you so much for reading.
Can you find out who hosts the blog (e.g. Wordpress) and get in touch with them, asking to have the photos removed? I would be livid in your situation and would go NC with your sister too.
Well if you never have to talk to your sister either, then isn't that job done?
I don't think there's much you can do about the blog, but if you're in a different country does it really matter?
Thank you so much for your reply. They are owned, I suppose, by the school website, it is a very smalltown Spanish school, how he found them I have no idea. (Well, DSis must have told him, obviously)
Very similar situation here. Siblings remained unscathed, I took the brunt of everything. I went LC and then NC with one of them as she has continually accused me of lying about things that happened. My mental health couldn't take the strain of it.
If you have the money I'd suggest a solicitor. And cut out the sister too.
Hi Mutton, it does matter as he has linked it to something else which now means if anyone looks up my name (very unusual), this comes up.
I just find it so upsetting but can't explain why. I think it is the intrusión of privacy.
Thanks for replying.
Stocking, yes been accused of lying.
Thanks for your reply.
So I am not mad to be upset by this?
Should add, this is the first 'contact' (not that it is, it is photos of my family on a public bog, lifted from a school website) as it were, for 12 years.
I would be livid too. You can try as theconstantvacuumer suggested and get the hosting site to take it down? The trouble is, because he got the pictures from a public website, you might have to get the school to take them down first. Oh - scrub that - breach of copyright. Although you're not the copyright holder, so maybe you need to get whoever owns the photos - school, photographer - to claim breach of copyright / intellectual property theft.
I'm sorry you have such a toxic family and that it's had you doubting your sanity. Visit the Stately Homes threads here in Relationships and you'll find a lot of support and the reassurance that you're not the only person dealing with this kind of thing.
I've not much to contribute to this thread except this- if your dd is under 13 years old, it's illegal in the U.S. To have pictures of her on the website without parental consent. I know you're not in the U.S., but if the blog is registered in the U.S. Or is held in servers there then all you need to do is report it to them and it will be taken down very quickly
I think I'd be tempted to make email contact and tell them that they either remove the whole thing, or you will set up a blog page constructed so that anyone looking for their blog will see it, called something like 'Pretending to be Grandparents: Photos are Easier Than Real People' - in which you will detail the fact that they haven't been in touch for over a decade, refused to come to your wedding, refused the chance to meet DD, yet steal photos from a school website of a child they've never met so that they can pretend to be real grandparents. All their friends and community will see it. If they want to blog about you and their relationship with you, you'll give them fucking blog.
Would I really do this? - do you know, in the face of such outrageous behaviour, I really think I would threaten it. Because I reckon they'd take the page down and not try anything like that again.
Mitzi,*Katrose*,*Sylvanians*, thank you so very much for taking the time to read all that and reply and for your advice and empathy.
I feel a bit better now. Added to this DH had just finished a round of chemo and had lost all his hair and looked really tired and strained, he looks understandbly not himself (he is ok now), I am so angry that they have put that out there. My sister hissed that the photo 'was in the public domain' and they could do what they liked.
It had occured to me to threaten my own blog. The only reason not to, is that it will give them more fuel.
Thank you for saying it is outrageous behaviour Sylvanians, it really was how I felt and it feels great to have you all agree.
Thanks again, I feel more sane!
My sister hissed that the photo 'was in the public domain' and they could do what they liked.
She is absolutely wrong. Just because a picture is in the public domain does not mean that it can be used. All images are copyright and in most cases permission should be sought before use.
You could probably report it to the blog operators as a breach of copyright.
Thank you ItsAll, somehow it is worse that it is from a school website, who would have thought, on my DD's special day I should have said 'no, we can't have our picture taken with the major as my 65 year old N/C father who has never met DD may seek it out and publish it on his blog'
In no way is it because they want to reconcile anything, absolutely and definitely not. I feel it was to humiliate me, or something.
Thanks again theconstant, I have just checked and it is indeed Wordpress! (I know nothing about blogs) I am reporting it tonight. Genius. Thank you.
Great! I hope you get the result you want and that your DH is better soon.
I had the same thing happen to me with my siblings. There are 4 of us - I'm the eldest. The sister directly after me and I got horribly abused, beatings, threatened at gun point,shamed and emotional abuse, kicked out at 16/17. The other 2 got all the love, attention and my mum totally protected them from my violent dad but fed my sister and I to him. I think she didn't bond with us or something - she used to use language that implied that she was not my mother.
Originally I was very close to my younger brother and youngest sister as I felt I had to protect them from my parents but over time I realised that they were in 'the circle' and my other sister and I were on the outside looking in.
My brother and younger sister, as young adults, used to say that my parents were lovely (well, they were to them!) and that we were making up the abuse/bringing up the past etc. Then it became that we were the bad guys, spoiling everything. Apparently we were just spiteful liars.
Eventually it has ended with my sister and I living far away, left out of everything. I am n/c with with all of them except the sister who got the same treatment as me. It is shit and I just wanted to tell you that you're not the only person this has happened to xxx
I think you need to go n/c with your sister. She is no friend of yours.
Thank you so much for your post mistlewoe, I can relate to much of what you say. I was the oldest, I also felt very protective of my siblings, but actually, didn't need to be and now they treat me with contempt. My sister didn't until fairly recently. Brother never left home. They are, as you say, firmly in 'the circle' (good way of putting it)
This latest thing to happen is just so weird and I can't get my head around it. I am certainly going to be N/C with my sister, you are very right, she is no friend of mine. I can't trust her with anything now. That one phonecall my DD had with her and this happened. I have asked her, over the past few years, over and over not to tell anything personal to my parents, but she relishes it, she is on Wassap within seconds of some conversations, I'll pop to the loo or to make DD something for supper, come back in the rooom and I can see her typing away frantically and I know it is to my Dad. She freely admits it, but says it's not about me.
Thank you for replying and sharing your experience. Everyone has been so measured and kind and as it really has made a difference to how I feel.
Hi OP, you are definitely not being over-reacting, I would be bloody livid.
If you don't get a satisfactory response from Wordpress, feel free to PM me, I have an email template for removal under DMCA (Digital Millennium Copyright Act, which Wordpress being hosted in the US is subject to). I used to send these kind of takedown notices quite frequently when I worked for a large art website
Jamais some relatives are
cunting bastards not very nice. Go NC with your sister too.My thoughts are with you and your DH
Jamais I totally understand. It's all about creating a false impression to cast them in a good light, without them actually feeling like making the effort to have a relationship with you or their GC.
Been there, bought the T-shirt and wore it out.
My EX-H, after abandoning his children and hadn't seen them for 2 years, went on my Facebook page, copied my photos of DCs on holiday with me and my wonderful DP, and posted them on his own FB Page as if he'd taken them, saying "Day our with my kids". Vile, vile vile. I had it sent to me, and was absolutely livid.
It's horrible to have people in your life like that, they are toxic, and will only bring you down. Personally I would go NC with your DSis. She sounds like her loyalty lies with your parents, and it'll only cause sadness in the long run.
I understand what you are saying too. I was the eldest of four. I was the one who got the brunt though the sister 14 months younger than me at least witnessed much. She, as an adult, has no memory of our childhood and so I am branded as having a 'victim mentality', or at the very best just having a 'personality which our parents don't find easy'. I had a terrible time in childhood and teens, I won't go into it as I've written about it a lot on here. I think having your experiences actively invalidated (and even being blamed) by your loved ones for things that at least began when you were a child is a particularly pernicious form of re-victimisation.
Your sister is being used as a flying monkey. Agree to go NC with her and to give up hope of salvaging any relationship with any of your family.
I hope it gets taken down. I agree, in the circumstances, what has happened is outrageous.
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