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Fiance wants to break up. Confused, hurt and shocked

(41 Posts)
Anonomom Wed 01-Jul-15 16:28:37

Been together for 3 years. Lived together for two of those and engaged for one. Wedding is booked for early next year. We've had a roller coaster relationship, lots of ups, lots of downs, some amazing holidays and experiences together, lots of laughs. I love him.
For the past month or so he's been a bit off with me, snapping, looking for arguments and just generally seeming distanced. Nothing major gas happened though between us so I just assumed he was stressed over something else. Yesterday we had a big argument over nothing which he instigated and had not spoken since. Tonight he came in, said he needed to talk to me and basically said our relationship was not working, he was not happy and we need to split. It was only yesterday we were discussing registering our intentions at the registry office. He says there is nobody else, he just wants to be by himself. He doesn't want to stay friends as we don't have anything in common apparently. So that's it. Wedding talks one day, I'm single the next. I'm so confused, how can he suddenly decide this?? He doesn't even seem bothered by it. It's his house so I'll have to move out. I've just started a new job (2 weeks ago) so this is going to be near on impossible. All the plans we had fit the future, just gone. I feel almost numb? Feel like I want to cry but can't?

Jan45 Wed 01-Jul-15 16:33:34

So sorry, this is awful, I'd immediately think OW tbh.

Rivercam Wed 01-Jul-15 16:33:44

flowers to you.

I don't really have any advice apart from has something sparked this. It seems so sudden. doesmhe feel,pressurized by marriage plans?

Sorry, no useful advice.

Rivercam Wed 01-Jul-15 16:34:50

I thought ow also, even if it's a mild flirtatious conversation with a work colleague, rather than another girlfriend.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 01-Jul-15 16:34:50

flowers My 1st thought was that he's unsure about marriage. But, reading the bit about not remaining friends, makes me suspicious about there being someone else. I'm sorry your world has been turned upside down. It all sounds very cruel, on his part.

Kvetch15 Wed 01-Jul-15 16:38:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janette123 Wed 01-Jul-15 16:38:57

Anonomom,
I am sorry that this has happened to you, however, better now than later.

I don't believe all this BS about "no-one else" and "having nothing in common". I smell an OW - sorry.

Give him the space you need and help him pack his stuff, and the sooner the better.

Then you can move on, in time, to a guy who is really on board. flowers

cozietoesie Wed 01-Jul-15 16:42:56

I'm so sorry.

Have you got somewhere you can go?

SylvaniansAtEase Wed 01-Jul-15 16:43:13

Sorry, but I would probably bet my house that there is someone else.

I have never once read a thread like this - and there have been many - where that was not the case.

Either he is shagging someone, or is well on the way to doing so.

You will split and after a small interval there will be someone, very probably a work colleague, who he's 'just got together with'.

I am sorry. All I would say is, when it comes to moving out, suit yourself! If it takes three months - so be it. Don't be railroaded into doing ANYTHING which puts you out.

cozietoesie Wed 01-Jul-15 16:45:36

Also, be aware that he may well come back and tell you that it was all a mistake and that he wants to give it another try - was just feeling 'nervous' etc. Be very careful if that happens.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 01-Jul-15 16:48:05

And don't tie yourself if knots feeling embarrassed about telling people the wedding's off. This is not your doing.

Anonomom Wed 01-Jul-15 16:56:49

I wondered about ow but I don't see how he'd do it. He's always either at work or at home, doesn't go out much (maybe 3 times a year) and has no out of the house hobbies. He always leaves his phone around too.
Unless he's made a new email address that I don't know about and registered a dating site to it (it happened early in our relationship) but even then, he can't have actually physically met anyone from it

Anonomom Wed 01-Jul-15 16:57:36

I don't have anywhere to go, I'm going to hold out and save some money up. It would take him months and ££££ to actually have me removed

Kvetch15 Wed 01-Jul-15 17:00:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 01-Jul-15 17:01:16

Is there anyone at work he's been mentioning more?

cozietoesie Wed 01-Jul-15 17:04:30

I'd try - if it was possible - to leave at an early date. It's dreadful living in the same house as a former partner, even for a short time, and I doubt it would help you emotionally.

Anonomom Wed 01-Jul-15 17:07:33

No he works in a very male orientated environment. I sometimes wonder about his ex though. They were married 16 years and he's been mentioning her more lately. Also when he's picking the kids up etc something doesn't feel right but I don't know what. An example was that he brought this computer into the house and told me he was fixing it for a bloke at work. His son then mentioned something about it when he came and I realised it was from their house. So was he fixing it for the ex?
Another weird one was that a tv appeared at the house. He said a bloke at work asked him to sell it on eBay for him. Why on earth would a bloke ask another bloke to sell something for them on eBay?? We're talking about engineers here, they all know technology enough to use ebay! Incidentally, I know his ex is not a user of the Internet.

cozietoesie Wed 01-Jul-15 17:08:01

PS - have you been contributing to the mortgage etc and do you have common funds at all?

shovetheholly Wed 01-Jul-15 17:11:38

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

We had to cancel our wedding around three months before the date because my DH freaked out in a similar way. I had absolutely no idea whatsoever that it was coming. We hadn't argued at all, there were no clouds in the sky, no indications of anything wrong. It was absolutely horrendous and incredibly traumatic, made worse by the fact that it was such a shock. So I know how you feel.

Every case is different, so I can only really tell you about mine, in the hope that it makes you feel like you're not the only one out who has been through this! (Sometimes I felt like I was some kind of freak and that made it a whole lot worse).

There was no other woman, or anything approaching that in our case. The reason for the freak out was anxiety, caused by a combination of factors: being torn between me and the PIL who are status-obsessed (I am working class and not good enough, he had always done their bidding before), a high stress job with lots of pressure, and the whole awful experience of wedding planning with my family, who are highly dysfunctional and abusive.

His uncertainty lasted literally two days, then he wanted to get back together. We did end up getting married, but not until some years later, and certainly not before DH had been through LOTS of therapy and had exhibited extreme contrition for years.

I thought about staying with him very, very carefully. I am by no means a doormat, I didn't want to 'settle' for something that wasn't right, and I felt absolutely battered by the whole experience, so I went to a counsellor myself as well. It was only when I felt absolutely comfortable that he was genuinely sorry that I moved back in, and it was only when I was certain that it was some weird kind of a 'blip' that I agreed to get married again.

The wedding was very plain, and had a slight (accidental, unconscious) Jane Eyre theme - that heroine with all her strength and passionate independence and cancelled wedding got me through that time. We put PIL up at the house on which Thornfield Hall was based for accommodation during the wedding weekend. smile I felt like the anxiety was a kind of Bertha Mason locked up in the mental attic, and that it came from them - so it did feel like an exorcism, in a way, to use that house.

I don't think we'd have got through it if we hadn't genuinely loved each other. I'm glad I did it, but it was a long and arduous road and I felt horrible for a very, very long time - upset, angry, confused, you name it. In many ways, I think it would have been much easier psychologically just to break it all off. What I'm trying to say is that even if he changes his mind, it isn't an easy road, and you need to think whether it's really worth it. Of course, right now you wish this had never happened. Right now you just want things back where they were. But you can't 'undo' this. And if you pretend you can, you'll just waste loads of time and energy and be very miserable. Whatever way you go forward, it has to be a new way.

I urge you to reach out to people around you in real life and tell them what has happened. I didn't do this - I went through it privately, and alone - and it was awful. I felt a mistaken sense of humiliation at the time, as if people would think it were somehow my fault it had happened (I couldn't turn to my family, because my Mum was actually rejoicing that she didn't have to travel 300 miles to go to my wedding, because it was a 'hassle' for her. Yes, she's like that). However, when I did open up, I found that people were generous and kind and all shades of supportive. When I told the woman at the wedding venue, for instance, she actually refunded our deposit. Please, please tell friends and family and build a support network. You need people with you in real life!

Sending you flowers.

Iwasbornin1993 Wed 01-Jul-15 17:13:32

Sorry you're going through this OP. My first thought was OW but if he's been married before maybe he's just wary of things going wrong again? And is therefore getting cold feet about the wedding?

holeinmyheart Wed 01-Jul-15 17:21:44

So sorry this is happening to you and I know you are in shock, but I think you need to leave ASAP rather than drag it out.
The reason is, if there is a OW involved or not, behaving in a way that leaves you with some dignity is really the best option.
If it is the end of your relationship at least you didn't beg and grovel.

No one can make another person love them and if you have ever dumped anyone, their grovelling really makes no difference.

Also if you leave without a scene he may realise he has made a mistake. ( if you want him back that is) Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

Have you got a friend who you can camp with temporarily? I would pack up and go without informing him of your whereabouts and block him from contacting you. Cry to others who will be utterly sympathetic, rather than him.
This gives you some semblance of control.

If he genuinely doesn't love you any more, it is bloody painful to accept , but realistically he can't help it. Of course he should have sat down with you and explained his feelings before now, but unfortunately it is just easier to continue.
He will still have feelings for you.
Lots of Gin and tonics and the company of some good friends are required.

Who knows in a couple of months you may feel that you have had a lucky escape.
Hugs and a pox on him.

Inexperiencedchick Wed 01-Jul-15 17:40:12

As PP mentioned there is OW, and it's for sure.

Had the same staff myself, and couldn't believe what happened in front of my eyes.

It's good you have started a new job, you better concentrate on the job and it will help you to move on...

Look from the different angle. If you would end up marrying and then come to that realization, you would suffer more.
At the moment you are not married and by time you will be able to on and find someone right for you. Trust me, it takes time but it worth it.

Just stay positive.

When it happened in my life I came across one article online where the writer herself was in a relationship for 5 years and had to call the wedding off and send back all presents. Her fiance sworn that there is no OW and kept saying he was sorry. Later on she found out that there was OW.
After reading that article I don't get surprised anymore.

Please be strong, take care of yourself. It's not your fault that he wants out. Just be nice and gentle to yourself. You come first, and the rest afterwords.

It will take time but you will be all right. You will see it yourself, further down the road.

In the mean time as a support flowers and hugs.
You deserve to be happy!!!

specialsubject Wed 01-Jul-15 17:47:26

so sorry. Doesn't really matter if there is someone else or not - he's told you how it is.

please don't hang around for months. Start looking for somewhere else to live.

britneyspearscatsuit Wed 01-Jul-15 18:04:05

Another one here who had a cancelled wedding. Mine didn't have anyone else, I think he just decided he didn't love me, or he had a mid life crisis or h panicked. I don't know for sure because he never explained, despite me begging a million times for an answer. Definitely no signs it was coming, he seemed to love me more if anything and one day he just ran away. There wasn't another woman - years later he's actually still single and says he always will be. No idea really. People do strange things.

I can't tell you how painful it was...years on and it still hurts me because the shock and the betrayal and the confusion make it so hard to grieve properly.

When all that stuff broke out in Tunisia, I read about that man who jumped in front of his fiance to save her life and someone posted underneath that of course he'd done that and "why would you want to marry anyone who'd not protect you when push came to shove?"

I downloaded that picture onto my phone and stared at it for ages, thinking about how I almost married someone capable of bunking out of our home right before our wedding and leaving all that pain and confusion and suferring to me without giving a shit. He would have known it would destroy me and the way he did it was so absolutely cowardly. Not even a talk to explain.

While it still shocks me that he did it - I'm so glad I never pledged my life to someone who could do that to me. We all deserve to be with someone who would NEVER do that.

Wherediditallgoright Wed 01-Jul-15 18:17:27

I'm not sure why you want to stay put? Wouldn't it be unpleasant to live in his home after he has so suddenly broken up with you?

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