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ultimatum or not

(13 Posts)
thishells Wed 01-Jul-15 14:48:40

Hi guys im new here but neeed some advice... My husband and i have been together 19 yrs , married for 14. He was diagnosed with depression last years but last month walked out on me an his 2 kids. He said he needed to get away and sort his head out, he said he was going to his dads for a few days..... a month later no sight of returning...he says i dont love him, dont show him any affection BUTthen says he dont want to let 19yrs go just like that... yes we have had problems in the past mostly down to money or lack of it..he does come and have the kids while im working but the minute i pull on the drive hes out of the house and gone.. he doesnt phone or txt me but does to the kids everynight. When i ask him whats wrong he just says he dont know why he feels the way he does. The only time he ever cheated ( if you can call it that ) was 4 yrs ago he was incontact with and ex over social media site and arranged to meet her ( told me he was working ) he said Nothing happened they just had a brew.... I nearly chucked him out But thought i'd give it another go but things just weren't the same i couldn't trust him and probably deep down still dont even though he goes out with his friends but causes arguments if i want to go out and in the end i dont go out unless were together then he finds something to argue about that, doesn't like what i wear , doesn't like who im on dance floor with etc,etc an when we had a few drinks its like WW3.. We actually went out for a brew last night to talk as he says he cant do it in the house even if were alone and kids at school but it still didnt resolve things... we just talked the same crap I dont love him / show him affection etc, I asked him how much longer he going to stay away his responce was " I'm not ready to come back yet !" well when are you going to be ready ? Dont know !!. Some things he mentioned made me think he has no intention of comming back this year... as we talked about the kids getting the bus to his dads meeting him there and him having tea with them then he bring them home later on. I wasn't to keen on this as my kids get a school bus to & from school, they would have to get 2 public service bus's to his dads. My kids are 12 & 15 there not daft but have never got a bus to his dads weve always gone in the car. I told him the dark nights will start comming in soon when they go bk in September and im not having them getting busses into town centre then 1 out again in the dark he said he's not stupid and when the dark nights come he will pick them up from home when he's finished work.... ( is he comming bk or what i asked my self ) So i said to him i take it u have no intention comming back within the next month he said No and i dont know when, im not ready !!! I am at a loss i dont know what to do... Do i give him more space or an ultimatum ??? The problem i got with giving him more space is, i know its only been a month but he is p**ing me off with his attitude and i'm now getting to the point where i'm doubting myself as if I want him back and I know in my heart the longer this goes on either I wont want him back or he wont want to come back but its the being left dangling and wondering thats really doing my head in... i've had that "gut feeling " since January he's been seing someone else but have no proof and he full well knows if he did that would be it....
Any advice is muchly appreciated. Thankyou x

pocketsaviour Wed 01-Jul-15 14:52:47

4 yrs ago he was incontact with and ex over social media site and arranged to meet her ( told me he was working ) he said Nothing happened they just had a brew....

Do you believe that?

It sounds to me like he has checked out of the relationship and is not expecting to come back. The things he's saying about the kids visiting arrangements show that he's envisaging a future where you are still living separately.

thishells Wed 01-Jul-15 15:11:31

When i mentioned divorce he said that hadnt even crossed his mind ? Then asked me if i had spoken to solicitor about it, told him no but i asked a friend who is a family solicitor, i just wanted to know where i stood as he walked out , we have 2 kids and a mortgage etc. I dont want to go down that road just yet BUT will if any evidence comes about he's been seeing someone else... I truely thought last night (" guts again ") lol that was the bomb he was going to drop that he was seeing someone else. I did ask him an he said no ?

arsenaltilidie Wed 01-Jul-15 16:11:53

I think he's cheating on you. Start protecting yourself and don't let him continue to take you for a mug.

Jan45 Wed 01-Jul-15 16:39:39

He is with someone else, get on with your life, stop waiting for him, you're his fall back if anything.

Jan45 Wed 01-Jul-15 16:40:27

He wont admit it, cheaters never do, he wont want to go down the road of divorce until he is sure it works out with the OW.

Janette123 Wed 01-Jul-15 16:54:19

thishells,
please get some legal advice about divorce. Most solicitors will give you a free half hour consultation. It won't hurt to be prepared.

And I call BS on this "meeting his ex for a cup of tea" - sorry.

thishells Wed 01-Jul-15 17:16:36

I cant totally understand how he can just walk away on 19 yrs...I have a few good friends that have followed him over the last few days but he has been at his dads. I cant do it due to the kids and he knows my car. Friends keep saying Trust that gut feeling but i am a rational person and without evidence what proof have i got? I cant exactly go infront of a judge and say my guts say he is lol and without paying someone to sit outside his dads all night long i dont know if he does leave later on.confused

Jan45 Wed 01-Jul-15 17:42:31

He wont be the first man to have his head turned and think the grass is greener, he is leaving you in limbo whether is OW or not, it's totally unfair. To walk out on you and the kids, there must be more to this than him just feeling unhappy and I am sorry but there usually always is OW in the background somewhere.

Best thing you can do is take control, tell him after this time you will now assume you are both single and you will live your life that way from now on, if he really wants you, he will let you know, let him date you again if you so wish but don't keep hanging on with the door wide open.

Rebecca2014 Wed 01-Jul-15 17:47:00

He has left you. He is fed up with family life and is now free at his dads, he is a coward and selfish. Sorry but your marriage is over.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Wed 01-Jul-15 20:45:37

As far as I know, as far as a divorce goes you don't need any proof, all that needs to be said is the marriage is no longer sustainable and that he left you.

If you're talking about proof for your own reasons, to confirm your gut feeling, would finding out actually make any difference, or make you feel better?

pocketsaviour Wed 01-Jul-15 21:03:40

You can divorce for unreasonable behaviour rather than adultery, it doesn't make any difference to anything. And a prime example of the unreasonable behaviour would be "he goes out with his friends but causes arguments if i want to go out and in the end i dont go out unless were together then he finds something to argue about that, doesn't like what i wear , doesn't like who im on dance floor with etc,etc an when we had a few drinks its like WW3"

thishells Fri 03-Jul-15 03:12:50

thank you guys for all your advice i am seeing a solicitor next monday. I was going to give it about another week or so to see if he had decided on anything, i know it wasnt long but i wanted to see his reaction if I put a time scale on it there hardly was a reaction. I asked him to look into his heart and ask himself if there was anything there for us and all i got was " told you last night i can't come back "!!!..... can't ??? why can't ??? nothing no explanation!!I asked myself why " can't " he ??? 1) another woman ? 2) another woman he loves more or worse pregnant ? 3) just doesn't love me anymore ?? well either way now i just dont give a crapper he can't well i bloody well can. just wonder what his reaction is going to be when he gets the papers.... in my personal opinion i honestly think he will poop himself as i have always been there no matter what. I think i just need the proof to satisfy my own instincts on this and maybe have some closure that it wasnt my fault.... even thou he swore on the bible, kids and his own life he wasnt seeing anyone else that nagging " gut " feeling is still there everytime i see him. If he was or is seeing someone he is never going to tell me aas he knows he will never ever get back in my life, the only way i will know is to investigate myself smile.
Thanks again guys. you have all been a great help x

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