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Is this a deal breaker? I'm bloody miserable

(45 Posts)
AspieMum2002 Wed 01-Jul-15 13:54:00

Id appreciate some outside RL views, i moved to a new part of the country this year and dont know anybody.
I'm seriously wondering if I should leave DP.
So I don't drip feed, will be as open as I can. We've been together 5 years. I have 3 teenage DCs from my 1st marriage, NC with their father on his choice, not mine.
On the whole me and DP have had a brilliant relationship. Happiness, fun times, very few arguments, and he's made me happier than anyone else ever has, but this last Year has been so mentally draining I don't know if I can go on with it. We've stopped laughing, stopped having sex, stopped talking like we used to.
I Miscarried 18months ago, and once I'd recovered enough from that, wanted to try again. But it's just gone downhill from there. We barely have sex at all anymore. It has been brought up a few times since (by me) but despite assurances that we could fix it, we haven't. When I've brought it up, what has followed has been what I can only see as 'Pity Sex'. He's doing it because he thinks he should, not because he wants to, iyswim.
Last week I brought it up again, in a calm and non-confrontational way- because the lack of intimacy is really depressing. He said "Well maybe if you went to the Gym, and looked better, I'd want to have sex with you more" sad
As an aside I'm a size 10-12, and do try to look nice. I'm actually 2 sizes smaller than I was at the beginning of the rship. But when I eat, he says "eating again?" in a joking type of way, or "why not make something to eat instead of snacking?".

He proposed to me a year ago, but recently said he felt 'pressured to do it' because I was so down at that time, and said he has changed his mind, he doesn't see the point in marriage. Who on earth 'Unproposes' to someone? confused

I asked him if he wants to end the relationship, as we are obviously not happy like we used to be anymore. He said he wants to work at it, and that he does love me. But it doesn't feel like it at all.

Horsemad Wed 01-Jul-15 13:58:57

He's a cheeky sod, bin him.

Theoldcauliflower Wed 01-Jul-15 13:59:47

I would leave, my do would never say those things to me, he's being a total arsehole, u deserve better!!
As far I as can see it will only get worse, he doesn't respect u, run!!!

andthenagain Wed 01-Jul-15 14:00:56

Fuck no he is an arse and you are miserable with him. Life is too short for his shit
Can you move back to where you used to live?

AspieMum2002 Wed 01-Jul-15 14:07:39

My DCs are happy here in the new town, they have a good school and some really nice friends. I really don't want to go back to our old town.
They think the world of my DP too. That is what is making me skirt over the major issues I think. It just feels like Limbo atm.

Mitzimaybe Wed 01-Jul-15 14:08:10

Difficult one. It sounds as if the miscarriage was the trigger for the lack of sex afterwards. Do you think he has properly processed this and dealt with any issues arising? You were keen to try again - but was he? Or was he just saying what he thought you wanted to hear and is actually absolutely terrified of going through that again? It sounds as if his reasons for the lack of sex are just excuses - although, if he genuinely finds you that unattractive, why doesn't he want to split up? If you are a size 10-12 you are not overweight. Can you suggest a period of deliberately not trying to conceive - use very reliable contraception - and see if that makes a difference to him?

An alternative view is that your move to another part of the country has something to do with it, and he is one of those nasty men who has succeeded in isolating you from your support network and therefore now feels at liberty to treat you as badly as he likes. I hope that's not the case.

AspieMum2002 Wed 01-Jul-15 14:10:39

Mitzi we aren't trying to conceive anymore, I gave up after last year. I mean sex and intimacy at any time of the month, its just not happening, he doesn't want to have sex with me.

pocketsaviour Wed 01-Jul-15 14:11:21

Life's way too short to waste it on this joker.

He doesn't love you, and he does want to end the relationship. He's just far too much of a coward to say so.

If he left, could you manage the rent/mortgage on your own?

AspieMum2002 Wed 01-Jul-15 14:15:47

When he said he didn't want a baby, after MC, I respected that decision, however resentful it made me. But that shouldn't mean I have to forego a sex life, surely? I feel like I've got to give up the things I would like to have, for this rship. He doesn't want a baby now- so we don't have one. He changes his mind about marriage, so we don't do it. It just seems like its his way , or no way.

Mashtag Wed 01-Jul-15 14:17:03

Read your OP.

Do you need to ask us?

He 'may' be struggling with the miscarriage, with his own mental health issues, financial worries who knows.

BUT a loving partner even one with all those issues DOES NOT put their partner down in such a blatant cruel way (actually in any way).
There is no excuse for those comments and it wasn't even a one off said in anger. He is undermining your self esteem, digging at you about food. It matters not that you are a slim size ten he shouldn't say it if you are a size 30.

Why oh why do we put up with this type of situation. Would you want to make him bad about himself?

Honestly, tell him why you can't be around someone that feels they can make comments like that and go

He can't excuse that. He has to take responsibility for what is bothering him not deflect it on to you by criticising you

Please OP just read it again.

Joysmum Wed 01-Jul-15 14:23:58

Does he think you'd try to trap him into having a baby so is reluctant to have sex for that reason?

Either way I'd be fucking livid if my dh blamed my looks for lack of sex or made any comments about my eating. I have binge eating disorder and my weight fluctuates wildly yet it's never affected our intimacy.

Unless he can tell you why he won't have sex and quit with the bullying and apologise so you can go forwards, I'd call it a day. You need change from him and if he doesn't see that then there's no hope.

AspieMum2002 Wed 01-Jul-15 14:24:04

mashtag he isn't struggling with MC. That I do know. I got in a state this year, 1yr after it happened. He had no idea what was wrong, then got exasperated with me because I had arranged to take DCs swimming that day. He said I shouldn't have arranged a day out if I knew I'd be upset.

He thinks I'm purposely upsetting myself by remembering the dates, and said its easier if I draw a line and move on. Wanting to have a baby was definitely more my decision than his.

Mashtag Wed 01-Jul-15 14:27:32

He doesn't sound great tbh and I think you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you too, and acts like they do.
My out have asked him what's up, offered to work with him through the second issues and he isn't forthcoming. Says it all sadly

BoxOfKittens Wed 01-Jul-15 14:27:47

The line about getting more sex if you looked better and went to the gym would be a deal breaker for me, alone.

FenellaFellorick Wed 01-Jul-15 14:34:50

You're miserable. That in itself is a dealbreaker.

You're supposed to be happy in a relationship. If you are unhappy - it's not working.

rouxlebandit Wed 01-Jul-15 14:42:32

I'm struggling to understand the first post because I don't know what NC stands for and the list of acronyms is not loading.
But I'm wondering why you want more children when you've got 3 already. Maybe your current husband thinks the two of you can't afford another child. However, I agree with others that his comment about you being overweight was very insensitive and certainly not the way you speak to someone you love.
You have my sympathy and I hope you can find a way out of this.

AspieMum2002 Wed 01-Jul-15 14:44:27

roux NC= no contact. He never saw the children from the week after we split up.

LizzieBelle Wed 01-Jul-15 14:49:11

I wouldnt have a baby with this guy, especially if you have teenage children now. It will ony make a bad situation worse

yetwig Wed 01-Jul-15 14:54:34

Life is far to short, I have learnt this over the past 18 months, if your not happy why stay? I know you say that your children really like him but you have to do what's right for you!

Wherediditallgoright Wed 01-Jul-15 15:07:39

How could you ever have sex with him again after his cruel comments about your appearance? He has told you he doesn't want another child or to get married. Take him at his word. It would be degrading to stay just because your own children like the area you are in.

wheelycote Wed 01-Jul-15 15:27:16

Sounds like his lashing out is a defensive thing....men are pretty sensitive (egotistical) about sex drive and it can be easier to blame a partner than except they're off sex because of stress, circumstances etc.. Not saying it's right by any means that he's said those things but they do sound like classic defensive remarks...lashing out because he feels hurt (whether rightly or wrongly). This isn't an easy one and it all depends what you really want to do.

One thing I'd say for sure...If comes out with something like that again....
Tell him matter of factly, that your not sure what's going on in his head BUT that he will NOT talk to you that way, that, that's not the way you talk to each other and go and have a word with himself.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 01-Jul-15 15:45:53

You need to take control of the situation. If you do nothing then nothing will change.

You need to make a decision.

Your weight? So bizarre for him to start commenting on it even though you are much thinner than when you met. I wonder if he was the reason in the first place? Why are you much smaller now?

arsenaltilidie Wed 01-Jul-15 16:00:10

If the sexes where reversed no one would bet an eyelid.
The comments about needing to lose weight when you're actually slimmer sounds like someone lashing out under pressure.
Experiencing MC is painful but as men we are expected to deal with the emotions privately.
You cannot exactly go to you partner because she probably feels worse.
You cannot go to your friends because they wouldn't know what to say.
If this man was generally a happy person before the MC, then chances are the MC is still affecting him.
He needs to talk to someone about it.

AspieMum2002 Wed 01-Jul-15 16:01:09

quitelikely5 I'm a smaller size now, because I eat at irregular times, usually save myself until night when DP has gone to work, and have my meal then so I can take my time with it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 01-Jul-15 16:06:42

It sounds like he doesn't want to start a family, at least not with you OP, but doesn't want to break up with you either. Withholding physical intimacy has overtones of punishing you. It would be kinder to be honest about his feelings, than keep you hanging on for months, only to find you left it too late to try for pregnancy.

Deep down he doesn't really want to be a father, and while he can be nice to your DCs he isn't prepared to make this commitment. Backpedals after proposing, and makes a vague suggestion he'll only dole out sex as a reward you earn for improving your appearance? I think unless you give up the idea of another child he is going to continue putting up fences.

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