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Opened up but still feel in turmoil

(15 Posts)
hidingbehindsmile Wed 01-Jul-15 09:50:40

Been with my OH for ten years, moved away from family to set up home with him and envisaged marriage, children as we both discussed. Time went on and every other couple in our circle moved forward with their relationships while we continued the same. He assured me these things would happen but they didnt and it started to effect me deeply. We havent had an intimate relationship in a long time on any level, I cant remember the last time he gave me a hug and it has got to the point where if he did I think I would flinch. To family/friends we appear fine but they only see whats on the surface. I feel we are more like friends and the love isnt on a relationship level.
I have raised my feelings before but he has just brushed these off and six months down the line nothing has changed. I wanted to make it work but now I feel so confused. After a weekend of thinking further, I broached this again but he thinks we are fine and doesnt think the above are issues. He is a man of few words; I said for me something drastic needs to happen we need to get some support as couple or I need to take some time out. He was against speaking to anyone as a couple and said if it has to be one of those try me moving out for a while. He reluctantly admitted that he isnt really bothered about marriage or having children despite pleading otherwise previously. He also admitted he has no real interest in moving so I would be closer to my family as agreed when we bought our home 7 years ago. The fact is I want children in the future and this will not change. I said I would give him a couple of days to take in what I said but I think he is is hoping I will just drop this and carry on like before because that is what makes him happy. I am so down, but I am conscious of leaving him as I have been his only relationship which is possibly part of the problem. I think deep down I know what needs to happen but would value others advice and expieriences.

mistymeanour Wed 01-Jul-15 09:54:27

I am so sorry hiding but you already know it is time to move on. Your DP has shown he does not take your needs seriously and does not cherish yur relationship - you need to go and flourish elsewhere. flowers

hidingbehindsmile Wed 01-Jul-15 10:53:16

thank you for your words misty, despite the situation I do worry about how he will cope as I genuinely believe he thought I would just accept the situation because we have a mortgage, go on holidays, spend time with each others extended family. Its so hard to think primarily of yourself

QuiteLikely5 Wed 01-Jul-15 11:04:04

If you stay you will be selling yourself short.

Why settle for him when you can have the love, intimacy, marriage and children with someone else?

All those things are waiting for you.

This situation is one where I would say to you: don't listen to what he says, look at what he does.

Because what he does from this moment on will tell you all you need to know about his desires for the future.

It sounds like things have ran their course.

BakeItOff Wed 01-Jul-15 11:09:23

love, this is no way to live sad

Sophiste Wed 01-Jul-15 11:16:35

A dear friend of mine was in a very similar situation. She eventually saw the light and left - but now looks back on what she feels were 12 wasted years of her fertile life. She has now found a lovely man but it is too late for her to have children.

Please don't waste any more of your time on someone who doesn't want the same things out of life as you do.

Mimigolightly Wed 01-Jul-15 11:28:32

I have been in a very similar position as you and I would - without hesitation - say that you deserve better. Life is far too short to accept second best. You will find a loving man and have the family you so desperately want. Don't waste any more time.

teatrailer Wed 01-Jul-15 11:34:06

Factor in how long it might take to meet someone else and know them well enough to have a family, don't waste your precious time with somebody who has mislead you. He is an adult who can look after himself, he has certainly put himself first until now. I really can't see what's in this relationship for you any more.

Please do not be my lovely DD, she now faces being childless after some unfortunate events in her life and time running out. Act now.

hidingbehindsmile Wed 01-Jul-15 12:55:03

I do feel I really need to leave but am feeling so guilty about it. Your replies and advice is helping me to understand more my own feelings and the implications for the future in terms of my happiness. I dont want to look back in ten years and have major regrets.

Take last night, we both were out at seperate things- I came home first so went to bed- he then comes to bed at the side of me acting like nothing has happened (despite the non initimacy we have slept in the same bed just back to back). When I realised I got up said I was going to the spare room he asked why, I had to highlight that nothing had changed since our conversation and I wasnt happy the response I got was I know. Luckily I always leave before he is even out of bed on a morning but I am dreading tonight after work. I dont want the conversation again, he knows my position and I am not going over it anymore. I think if I go and stay with my parents maybe he will take it more seriously in terms of this relationship is going to end.

teatrailer Wed 01-Jul-15 13:16:50

hiding Please do not feel guilty about what you need to do, this is your life and you are just marking time, waiting for it to begin. It doesn't matter if he takes things seriously or not, he doesn't want to marry you or have a family, it's that time now when you need to be selfish.

There's nothing left here now for you, not even a decent sex life, just a flat mate.

hidingbehindsmile Wed 01-Jul-15 15:25:57

This is the first time I will have been the one to walk away it used to be me getting hurt or dumped. I really wish he could acknowledge the issues just to help him move forward really but in his eyes this has come out of the blue and can just be swept under the carpet. It's sad that he is prepared to do that knowing there is a high chance I would miss out on the things I want in life.

Just debating if to wait until he gets home to have another chat I. E. The practicalities or to just pack an overnight bag and message him to say I'm going to family.

MatildaTheCat Wed 01-Jul-15 18:21:18

Only leave if that's what you want. Why you should feel guilty for splitting up when he has let you down on so many levels is something you need to think about. He should feel very guilty but he doesn't. He sounds devoid of emotion tbh.

Plan your move and ensure that you are in no way financially caught out so have details of your joint finances, your contributions etc. I would go away for a while if it is convenient but equally you can ask him to go. He's the problem in this relationship, not you.

I really hope he doesn't beg you to reconsider and let him try harder and if he does, please don't stay. He's just not in it. Set yourself free and find happiness.

Very best wishes.

hidingbehindsmile Wed 01-Jul-15 20:07:12

Just an update, we had another talk tonight he had actually thought about the situation and we have decided to seperate. He was like a different person actually telling me how he was feeling. Maybe it was the push we both needed. It's amicable at least. I am sad in some ways but we have memories and both our futures. Thank you so much.

LizzieBelle Wed 01-Jul-15 20:36:20

good luck

whitsernam Wed 01-Jul-15 20:45:42

Sounds like a mature decision on both sides, finally. Please take advantage of the at least temporarily amicable situation and get things sorted. You do deserve to work toward what you want, too.

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