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I'm throwing in the towel. Help me plan my exit?(14 Posts)
Hi all, Long time lurker first time poster!
I've decided the time has come to end my relationship. I've been with dp for five years, we rent together and have no kids.
I've realized that essentially my dp is a man child. Since being with him I've pretty much run his life: I've paid all the bills, done all the housework, lost touch with most of my friends and pretty much dedicated my life to being a subservient housewife who also has to work 60+ hours a week to support him. He works too but doesn't contribute anything aside form his half of the rent. Alongside that he is also very emotionally manipulative.
I feel like an utter idiot.
This week I've had an Epiphany in that I don't deserve this. I've got myself into a financial hole through having to pay for the both of us and giving him money over the years when he's got himself in trouble. Completely stupid, I know.
I've sorted out my finances, although my credit rating is shot I will be out of debt in 4 months and am going to be taking up another job so I can start saving.
I have to leave him, I have no choice. But I need help working out the logistics and seeing if my plan sounds reasonable...so..
Living arrangements: My family live 4 hours away in a very rural location where this isn't much around job wise, as such my LAST resort is to move back home.
Ideally I want to stay living in our flat. It's a two bed and whilst I can't afford the rent on my own, I can afford it if I have a flatmate. Because of my credit rating I think it would be hard to find another flat, added to that there is a massive shortage of housing in our area.
His family live 20 minutes away so he could go back home, otherwise I don't mind for an interim amount of time him staying in the spare room, because it's half the size I would suggest he pays half the rent and I will pay my half and cover the bills (which is out current situation anyway!).
My problem is if I break up with him what would be fair in regards to living arrangements? Should he go back home? Can I force him to move out? He can't afford another place in our town, he doesn't have the money for a deposit and our rent is cheap as we know the Landlord. I'm concerned that if I break up with him he'll tell me to move out and essentially I'll be homeless!
I'm never going to get the money back that I've given him over the years, I know that, but all furniture aside from the TV is mine, so if I leave I don't know what on earth I'd do with it!!
So yeah. I know I've got to leave and emotionally I don't feel bad/sad about it. I'm in my 20's and I want to get my life back.
Does my plan sound OK? Is there anything else I need to think about? Any MN wisdom you can give is much appreciated x
Are you both on the tenancy agreement?
Personally it makes sense that he leaves. If you leave he can't afford the rent and you'll be taking everything, but the TV, with you so he'll have nothing. You've also been paying the bills, which you'll have statements to prove it.
Tell him this, and this is why you don't want to be with him anymore.
I did the same a few years back in my 20s. I was absolutely sick to death if me paying for everything while he blew his money on selfish things. And like you I owned everything but the TV.
I didn't give him any options, I told him I'd had enough, I had no love or respect for him anymore and told him to make arrangements to live elsewhere. I threatened if he didn't leave I would, and would take everything with me.
He knew it was pointless him staying. He packed a bag that day and went to his parents. I then allowed him to come back to collect his tv... but he didn't bother.
That's the last I saw of him. I was so relieved when he left I cried with joy!
Congrats OP on realising you deserve much more!
If he gets arsey about the breakup he may try to force your hand by contacting the landlord and giving notice for both of you. So I would contact the landlord beforehand and let them know that you are hoping to take over the tenancy yourself, with a housemate if landlord approves, and make sure they are okay with it.
This way if your STBX calls the landlord, you've already set up the situation.
Worst case scenario is the landlord isn't willing to work with you and you both end up having to move out - in which case you should easily be able to find another house or flat share, but your ex would have to move home, so he'd be cutting off his nose to spite his face anyway.
We are both on the tenancy agreement. We are also very close to our landlord, in that he is my dp's boss! That being said whilst they work together they're not 'friends' so it wouldn't be the case that he'd side with my dp or force me to move out.
As such we have never paid any deposit and always paid rent on time, I do also have the statements to show I've paid everything.
I'm just worried if he refuses to go.
Is it worth speaking to my landlord before I talk to my dp?
Great advice from the posters above
I agree, speak to your landlord first then tell him your relationship is over and you want him to move out - he can't afford the rent and bills anyway plus won't have any furniture if you move out so its a pointless exercise
If you did end up having to move out you could look for a house/flat share rather than taking on a place of your own, and see it as a short term situation to get yourself back on track
You've just answered my question!! I think I'll call the landlord and ask him what would be best.
If I was to leave I don't know what I'd do with my stuff. I could pay for a deposit on another place using my credit card (I don't have any balance on it, it's only for emergencies) but if I have to go through a credit check I could be in trouble. I can show that I can pay using my bank statements but credit is ruined from previous bad situations. Thing is I love my little flat, and I'd be really sad to leave!
When you break up his living arrangements are no longer your concern.
You are breaking up with him because you have quite rightly realised you've ended up doing everything for him. Breaking up with him means you no longer do anything for him and that includes finding him somewhere to live. You only have to consider what your needs and wants are.
What AreYouThinking says is very sound advice - especially re. the tenancy agreement as first port of call.
Well done you! And still only in your 20s. The world is yours! I second speaking to the landlord first, but please don't let dp stay there after the split. He needs to go or I fear he never will. Good luck!
I would definitely speak to the LL first. You will at least know what to do moving forward. Just say what you have told us. You can afford the rent on your own, dp cannot. You would be happy to sign a new agreement with just your name on. You have statements to prove you can pay the rent should he want to see them.
So the LL is his boss? Seems a bit mean to tell his boss you are breaking up before you tell him!
Though I understand that it's a good idea. Could you make sure he is discreet about it?
He could be discreet, they really only have a working relationship.
I think for back up it's worth looking at rooms around, I've taken a look online and it would actually be cheaper to rent in a professional house share....my I'm still not sure if the fact I've got bad credit would affect any application.
Perhaps I'm being too precious about my flat, now I've started planning I'm wondering if actually it would be worth starting afresh in a new place.
AH so confusing!
1. Speak to Landlord, discuss tenancy and what would suit him
2. Following on from that speak to dp.
It will work out in the end, I know, the logistics are not going to be fun though!
It would certainly be easier to move out. Yes your DP could make it very awkward. And although your LL has been a benign presence so far, he does work with your DP and might be very wary of getting at all involved, ie working with you to get you to keep the tenancy. He'd probably want to, once he knew that you were the one who's been paying etc., but will want to avoid ANY situation where your DP cries foul. He's his boss. He won't want to get involved.
If your furniture etc. will fit into a room in a share, go for that. I would:
- ring up about rooms and ask to meet landlords. Explain that you have dumped a boyfriend as he has defrauded you. As a result, your credit is currently shaky but HERE is the proof of your previous on-time rental payments, HERE is the glowing reference from your last landlord, and HERE is your parents agreement to be guarantor for this rental (would they do this??) If you could get all that in place, I reckon you wouldn't have much problem with getting a room. Just choose wisely - older working professionals, not a student house!
Good luck in your new start!
Hi Sly that is very good advice.
My parents are lovely and would be guarantor's. I had a long chat with my mum yesterday so she knows my situation financially and with my partner.
You're right in it could get messy with the boss/landlord. I'm going to take a look at rentals over lunchtime. I know legally I can't get chucked out of flat right now, but yeah...could get messy if I stay there....
I would plan for moving out but once you tell your bf that it's over he might decide to move out himself.
Well done, you sound great, and worth much more than this.
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