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Am I in denial?

(6 Posts)
RJN0809 Tue 30-Jun-15 22:44:50

Been with hubbie since 2004 have two beautiful children, lovely home and great job. Marriage seems to be on the rocks. I've worked full time since babies born, and hubby stayed home. Feel like we've got stuck. Trying to avoid rows seems to be part of my life, keeping the peace and compromising to ensure he's not feeling upset or threatened. Tonight was about soccer he has been taking youngest during the day and when she starts school September will involve one of us taking oldest along after school so youngest can take class. He's applied for a part time job and is older than me and gets tired but also can't see the point of extra curricular stuff for kids and I think it's important. If I can't take them they don't go and can't afford to reduce my hours any more than I have. I had time off with stress earlier in the year and worried it's because I put myself under pressure and hubby won't budge on what he will do. He does shopping, cleaning, cooking, brings this up in a row and quite set in his ways. He's a great dad and kids doing really well. He feels upset I don't stand up for him at times.. I think he can be cold and unsympathetic .,, is marriage doomed?

ImperialBlether Tue 30-Jun-15 22:48:14

I don't want to frighten you but please be careful before separating from a SAHD. You could find you have to leave the family home and pay him to stay at home and look after the children.

Could you wait until he gets a job before you start thinking about separation? In the meantime could you get counselling?

ALaughAMinute Tue 30-Jun-15 22:50:08

I wouldn't say your marriage was doomed but it sounds as if a lot of resentment is building up so you need to talk. Have you tried to talk to him calmly when the children are in bed? What did he say? Do you still love him?

RJN0809 Wed 01-Jul-15 01:14:24

thanks, it's helped looking at resources on here and realising other people have difficult situations. He's just applied for a job starting in September so could help the situation then, he feels powerless I guess and simple things I want to help with he sees as interference, and it is like the normal issues but in reverse, I'm out seeing new people and maintaining my "career" and he's stuck with the mundane routine, groundhog day etc.

We've just been away for the weekend with some friends and it was great but I think we're all tired and had to compromise more in our spare time than normal because we were with other people.

I have suggested counselling, but he's not keen. I do still love him, I think that's why we argue because I don't want to feel responsible for someone I love feeling down/fed up because of the situation we are in. I think he loves being with the kids its just all the housework etc, I try and do my share, but I am so keen to see the kids it slips down my list. He is an excellent cook, and I find it hard to take as much interest in what we eat every night as he does. I take time for myself to do exercise and socialise sometimes, and he doesn't do much of that, and I wish he would.

We come from different backgrounds/childhoods and our parenting/communication styles are really different. I end up feeling guilty if I've taken time out for myself, (did that yesterday). My mum helps out alot though, and that really helps. She's been away recently so that probably isn't helping.

Thanks for "listening", what you say ImperialBlether I think is probably what worries me the most.

Topseyt Wed 01-Jul-15 02:04:05

Do you value his contribution as the SAHP? I hated feeling that my role was undervalued when I was the SAHM to this family. It made me dig my heels in and get defensive.

Does he enjoy socialising or is he a home body who just likes to do his own thing? I am the latter, an hate being forced to socialise if not in the mood.

Are you each expecting the other to be something they are not?

I suppose I am playing devil's advocate, but it was relevant to me when I was in your DH's position.

RJN0809 Fri 03-Jul-15 22:55:03

Yes Topseyt you are right I am much more outgoing. I really value his contribution...definitely v easy to take him for granted.

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