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Am I being too sensitive?(14 Posts)
My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years and have a child together. We don't have a jealous relationship at all, and trust has never been an issue. Maybe I am being naive, but I have always felt 100% confident that he is faithful, and that I was the centre of his world.
Anyway, we went away on holiday last week, and on the plane on the way out there was a very beautiful woman who got on the plane and I noticed my boyfriend sneaking a few glances, but I had noticed her too so didnt think anything of it. We get off the plane and are waiting to get our bags. Beautiful woman is stood to our right waiting for her bag too, and I notice her stealing little glances at my boyfriend and I become aware he keeps looking over at her too. I am suddenly feeling very unattractive and fat and sweaty, and to be honest it upset me a bit, but I rationalised it and didnt want to start the holiday off on the wrong foot so didnt mention any more about it.
Fast forward to the end of our holiday and we are back at the airport waiting to check in. Lo and behold, beautiful woman is a few people ahead of us. I notice he has clocked this, and then to my horror I watch him out of the corner of my eye literally oggling at her. When she walks to the baggage bit he turned and watched her, and then when she walked off he kept looking over his shoulder stealing extra bloody glances.
I am fuming. He goes to say something to me and I snap not to speak to me. I cant explain it and it will probably sound crazy to you all, but I felt a bit sick like I had been semi cheated on. I was so angry with him and felt like absolute shit. He has never given me cause to feel this way before and I hated it. He kept asking what was wrong so in the end I just told him. At first he denied it and told me I was imagining things, but then when he saw how upset I was he came clean and said he was sorry and that he felt bad and hadnt meant to upset me.
He said he is only human and I was blowing it out of proportion. I am not so sure. It hurts me that he wants to look at other girls. Does this mean he is bored of me? Does this mean I cant trust him? If he does this right under my nose, what does he do when he goes out and I'm NOT there??
Would really appreciate your thoughts and be as honest as you want...
I think its entirely natural to look at beautiful things be that objects, animals,,people but blatant ogling is disrespectful and insensitive.
Honestly, I'd be likely to say 'my word she's gorgeous' before he even saw her because that's a bad habit of mine- actually drawing his attention to pretty women! If it hurt you then that's fair enough, you've told him how you feel so now it shouldn't happen again. If it does then you have reason to be cross IMO. Do you feel badly about yourself at the moment? It sort of sounded like you do, and these things always seem worse when you're feeling insecure anyway.
I always feel the same. DH thinks I am totally mad, so I am glad to hear of another sufferer. I don't think it means he is bored of you at all. Nor do I think it means you can't trust him. I think it is just the way men are programmed or something and half the time they really don't know they are doing it.
Last time I got upset I told him that it makes me feel like he is looking at her and thinking, right, I am going to leave bigoldbird and take up with her and have children and start a new life. As I was telling him this, I knew it was nonsense as I have been known to look at a good looking bloke from time to time. He now understands why I get so upset, but I doubt he will change his behaviour.
We try to make a joke of it all now and have silly conversations if I catch him doing it and he does give me plenty of reassurance, cuddles, kisses and love.
Yes @polkadotsrock I have recently had a baby so not feeling at my most attractive if I'm honest. Will keep an eye and see if it happens again.
It is natural for our eyes to be drawn to very beautiful people, even babies do it.
It is rude to 'ogle' another woman in front of you however and that is worth a discussion.
I suppose it depends how you think you would have reacted if a spectacularly handsome man had been standing there instead.
Would you have noticed? Would you have looked?
My DH is 100% trustworthy but he occasionally glances at a very pretty lady. I generally tease him mercilessly about it.
bigoldbird thats it exactly!!! I just feel a bit sick at the thought that him staring at other-more beautiful-women is him lusting after them and finding them more attractive than me! I was always brought up to expect your partner to think YOU were the most amazing creature on earth, not them looking over your shoulder at someone else!!! The thing is, I dont want to turn into one of these jealous paranoid types either because that is not attractive at all.
We were watching TV last night and I absentmindedly made a comment about an actress being beautiful. I then realise he is being really non commital because he doesnt want to say the wrong thing. I don't want it to be like that! He has to see that its fine to acknowledge beauty, but NOT FINE to be specifically staring and eye-flirting with another woman in a RL situation!!!
Cumbrae I do notice attractive men yes, but I don't think I'd enter into any kind of eye contact game with someone, no..
You should have said, "God, imagine how gorgeous her husband must be!"
Repeat every time he looks at her.
I agree. Use that as the basis for your discussion with him, rather than the idea that he has to think you are the most beautiful woman in the world.
My DH loves me. Regardless of how I look. He loves me glammed up for a function, he loves me in my rattiest clothes, he loves me ill, he loves me at 3am covered in child sick.
He loves me for all sorts of things which have absolutely nothing to do with how I look.
He thinks i'm beautiful because he loves me not the other way round.
Your issue with your DH is that he was disrespectful. He might just need the fact that it is rude and hurtful highlighting (if he's normally great) or it might be a longer conversation.
Personally I want my DH to love me for my mind, my heart and my personality. Those are the important things, the things that last.
There will always be young, pretty women (and men) for you both to look at. It shouldn't matter.
To be fair to your DH you were also looking at the beautiful woman. She was eye-catching and so she caught both of you's eye. That doesn't mean that either of you was actually attracted to her or wanted her.
If it looked like he was ogling her then I think you need to remind him that that could make the woman concerned uncomfortable. But I don't think it's anything for you to worry about.
I don't think it is realistic or even desirable for your husband to have to pretend you are the most beautiful woman in the world, but equally sensitivity is called for. I notice beautiful people, both men and women, and if a nice guy checked me out twice, I may look back (in amazement these days!) To be honest, we are at that stage that if we both noticed a beautiful woman, then we are likely to comment on it together. It is absolutely not a threat to our relationship.
I wouldn't like it if my husband was openly ogling other women or making them aware of his presence, the odd glance at someone who is stunning is fine by me, and I do it as well.
Having read your update more carefully, I think you have it spot on. It's fine to admire attractive people, our eyes are drawn to them, not ok to start checking them out or making eyes at them while with your partner. I'm not surprised that annoyed you.
imperial has it nailed.
Op your confidence sounds knocked. No one should put up with watching their husband ogling another women but surely we all notice the attractive person now and then.
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