Shall I tell new partner of ex about his criminal past and violence?(32 Posts)
Hi I am in a quandray.
I had an awful, violent, controlling relationship with ex p who left in April. I got the police involved after one incident and am still deciding whether to push that further.
However I have found out that the new woman he's seeing knows nothing about his past.
The main issue is that he is on the sex offenders register for an offence four years ago. This came out after I knew him for a while and I should have run for the hills. However he convinced me that he hadn't been at fault; the system etc etc
I don't want to give details but it wants rape.
Anyway he groomed me also I think. Isolated me from family; used controlling behaviour and occasionally violence including putting his hands around my throat.
Now the new issue. He works with new lady and she sends him to people's houses to fix things. He has told me she doesn't know. However when she finds out this puts her in a v difficult position and her job could be on line.
She doesn't even know his real name.
He also has a daughter he doesn't acknowledge or support and is being chased by the csa.
I have knowledge now that he's been abusive to other partners.
I'm trying to put my life back together and have an amazing new partner.
I feel he will ruin her life too and she needs to be warned. She's a single parent too and he uses women to get what he wants ( a roof and in her case more work)
She has no idea of what awaits
There are lots of other secrets too and his family has disowned him.
Leave well alone and let another family be damaged or tell her?
I'm afraid of him tbh also
I would tell her, or her boss, because he is going to people's houses to work. I would have thought he would need a criminal check for that?
Apparently not as hes self employed
He pays no tax which is another issue too
He caused endless problems for me including getting me suspended from work
It was the worst year of my life. I can just imagine if the head of the agency finds out. I can't believe he would put someone in that position.
My daughter and her son know each other too. I think he says inappropriate things to women and has major anger issues
Don't tell the woman - tell her boss/the company she works for that they have employed a sex offender who is on the register.
If you don't want to give your name, you can do it anonymously by letter or phone call (withhold your number first).
Is he on bail for the offence(s) he committed against you?
Is there any way you can tip off anonymously? So that he does not guess it is you otherwise you could be in for a rough time.
Good idea to post here before doing anything as there may be unintended consequences that give you more grief.
Whether he's self-employed or not is immaterial; any company using his services in such a way that he is being sent into people's homes has a right to know that he's on the register - as do the people whose homes he's going into.
Yes that's why I'm posting really.
I could send something to head of agency I guess but I'm afraid he will guess it's me
Outwardly he's very charming and I doubt the mask has slipped yet.
Oh and he's cheated on every partner too more or less.
He abandoned ex when she was pregnant as he didn't believe she was
I would like to find her to give her new address to get some money put of him
He owes her 8 grand!
Is this the sort of issue you could ring the non urgent police phone line and ask for advice about? Then you can remain anonymous and they can inform/check out the situation. If he's on sex offenders register there will limitations on appropriate employment etc, and police should be interested if he is trying to circumvent restrictions by using a false name.
Yes that's a good idea re police
If he's staying at hers too and not informing police then that's also a problem
Please don't get the idea I want revenge I just think he's dangerous
I could send something to head of agency I guess but I'm afraid he will guess it's me
So this woman isn't the head of the company/agency, she just works with him?
If you alert the company head, they can say, 'terribly sorry we see you've not had a criminal check, so we will be doing that'. They discover he's got a record and he's gone. There's no reason to connect that to you.
Criminal record checks are standard.
And it's not true that you don't need one if you're self-employed. Not if you're working for an agency.
I must admit i was surprised they didn't check
It's a small local company and they don't seem to
She's maintenance manager
I think he cheated on me with her too. God knows what lies he's told her
It's very remiss of them to send people into homes not to check!
But it may be if he's given a false name nothing came up.
I think the suggestion to call the police to tell them he's using a false name and ask for advice is sensible.
Is he using a false name to do this 'self-employed' job? If so, the police and the agency (I hope to god it doesn't involve caring for vulnerable people) that are using his services need to know asap.
With regard to his ex, have you searched for her on the electoral roll?
If he's on bail for an offence(s) against you, why haven't you told the arresting officer or whoever has been assigned to your case?
You need to be careful as if he is so good at grooming, if you tell her and she knows who you are, she may run straight to him and tell him
If he's still on the sex offenders register, he'll be subject to regular meetings with a MAPPA Officer and they will be asking him about his relationships, work etc. If he lies to them, he can go to prison.
If his sex offender registration is no longer current (not everyone is on the register for life) it would still show up on a DBS check, but depending on the job he's in it may not be considered as "qualifying" for DBS - employers have to prove their staff are in specific roles before they can do DBS checks so may not be able to check all staff - even if they want to. But, I'm sure if you tip off the agency that's giving him work, they'll soon find someone else- and as he's self employed, there's nothing he can do about it.
Would his girlfriend believe you if you told her, do you think?
I just wonder if you couldn't phone Womens Aid or an agency like that and ask whether they have any ideas as to how to best do this. I understand why you would want to inform her (I would too) but you must protect you and your family first as a priority.
Is he on probation of any kind? Is he breaching the terms if so?
I'd also let the head of the company know, and if you could do it anonymously, I'd also let the police know he is being sent into people's homes (potentially into lone women's homes which is very worrying).
Very tricky about his new partner as there is a possibility that she would doubt your motivation and disbelieve you if you did talk to her, and it could rebound badly on you. I can completely understand your reasons for wanting to warn her though. Could the police or Women's Aid advise??
Hi sorry be working
Ok he's not on bail as I haven't pressed charges and am debating that
Have been talking to domestic violence officer at the police who wants me to.
It's handyman work but I'm worried because he did meet a girl that way and slept with her before me and then stalked us. He has very blurry boundaries.
He has a other 18 months on the register.
He's changed his name by deed poll so people can't find the newspaper story if they google. New partner knows new name only. He hadn't told police about agency only that he's self employed.
I think she may think I'm jealous. I'm not I'm just very angry that he wrecked my life and is about to do it again.
I agree it's remiss of them not to check
Ok think will take the consensus and tell police then. Or at least get advice.
Talking to the police is a good idea.
You could try to talk to the new partner, but she probably wouldn't believe you anyway. If you do decide to tell her, tell her only things you can actually prove. Anything else he'll simply deny and say you're crazy and/or jealous.
I had an ex-girlfriend of a man I was dating tell me that he was a terrible user and cheat and that I was headed for heartbreak. I didn't listen because I thought she was jealous and wanted him back. I should have listened!
Well I clearly can prove his history as the newspaper report is online.
I have documents in his old name. If I go to head of agency I think her job will be on the line as he may think she must have known.
I think he's a danger to women tbh. He says really inappropriate things about my friends/the neighbours etc
He had a v bad childhood and I think he hates women and just uses them. I am going to try and track down the mother of his child. I want to know what pack of lies he told me about her. And help her get money out of him.
She was also vulnerable as she had been beaten by ex who went to jail. This is why I worry. He's a psychopath i think. He sees nothing wrong in what he does
As you clearly believe that he's a danger to women I would suggest you tell the DV officer and also press charges against him - why haven't you done so already?
With regard to the 'new' woman, I wouldn't have thought her job would be on the line because she won't be expected to know anything about his history other that what he's told her.
If you stay silent you'll effectively be colluding with him and I'm sure you don't want to do that.
Surely the police would be the best place to start? They could inform employer and new girlfriend I believe.
I also think you should press charges for the offence against you.
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