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How do I play this? DH's possible lies.

(127 Posts)
nearlyhadenough Tue 30-Jun-15 16:48:34

Quick history - 22 year marriage, 2 children (both left home recently), relationship always a bit rocky, DH impotent so VERY little sex/affection. DH has always been known to tell lies. I am basically waiting for children to be settled and to be sorted financially then I will leave him.

Last September/October I was getting to the end of my ability to stay, I had begged DH to go to GP for help with ED (and have asked him to do so for 15 years but he has always refused). I had voiced that I could not take things being the way they were.

DH had lost some weight and had been sent for tests by his GP. I had seen letters from the hospital so I knew this to be true. In October he announced that he had lung cancer.

My immediate reaction was that this was another of his lies (may be as a way of stopping me nagging him about our sex life/stop me leaving). Lots of things didn't ring true. I have worked with children with a cancer diagnosis so I have some experience. BUT...... I said nothing. Life continued as normal, no time off work, no medication at home, no illness, only letters from a general medicine consultant that mention nothing of cancer (in fact one referred him back to GP as there was nothing found to be wrong with him), no nothing. Until he made a comment about my lack of sympathy. So I explained my thoughts. He took this really well. I asked him to go to the GP with me - so that GP could explain things to me. DH refused. He said there was nothing on the GP computer as he had asked the consultant to not pass on any information.

I eventually got DH to agree that I could attend his next appointment with his consultant. After consultant being unwell/on holiday/not seeing him for 4 weeks - the appointment date is this Thursday.......

For the last 10 days or so DH has been a changed man! He even managed to go to GP and get some medication for his ED (I have had more sex in the last week than I have had in about 8/9 years). there is nothing that he cannot do for me.........

I know that (at least 97% sure) there is no appointment, but I don't know how to play out the day. If DH says it is cancelled I thought I should try to get him to take me to the hospital department he has been treated in? See is anyone recognises him? I can't go to GP as DH won't consent to info sharing!

Any ideas?

Jan45 Tue 30-Jun-15 16:55:00

Sorry but how can you stay with someone who lies, I mean, at that age - how can you trust any of it, I wouldn't care at this point actually, I'd be making plans to move on. It's like a game of cat and mouse.

mrstweefromtweesville Tue 30-Jun-15 16:58:28

He's a changed man? He has a new woman.

butterflygirl15 Tue 30-Jun-15 17:00:17

what does it matter - you are planning to leave anyway? With or without this awful lie, isn't his previous behaviour enough for you to get rid?

loveareadingthanks Tue 30-Jun-15 17:07:40

You posted about all this recently, didn't you? There can't be two impotent men out there lying about having lung cancer. He's lying. who knows why.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 30-Jun-15 17:08:15

"I am basically waiting for children to be settled and to be sorted financially then I will leave him".

And how long will that take them, you cannot burden your now adults children with a choice that you have yourself made. That is totally unfair to do that to them, you need to leave without placing any burden on them.

They are not responsible for your relationship and should also never be used as glue to bind you and your liar of a H together. They perhaps wonder also why you have ever stayed with this man for so long.

firesidechat Tue 30-Jun-15 17:12:27

You've posted about this before I think. I only remember because I posted on your previous thread.

Honestly, I would leave him as you know that he has lied in the past and is lying now. I'm not even sure how you can bare to have sex with him at all with this huge lie hanging over your relationship.

As to what you do now, I haven't a clue really. In most marriages it wouldn't have got to this stage. I know it's hard to confront a liar, but what else can you do? Thursday will be an absolute fiasco, that's for sure.

nearlyhadenough Tue 30-Jun-15 17:12:36

Jan45 - I have stayed because of my children - rightly or wrongly it was the choice I made.

Mrstwee - possibility that I had not thought of - though I thought it was because he was sweetening me up for whatever will unfold.

Butterfly - it matters because I need to know. This is me making a stand after being a stupid f*&^%ng mug for 25 years and putting up with his crap. I am not letting him think he can trample over me anymore. It's about standing up for myself. But, having been worn down over the years I find it hard to believe what I am doing is the right thing to do, I have no confidence, no self-esteem.

I suppose it matters because if I am right, then I can start to believe in me.

PushingThru Tue 30-Jun-15 17:14:43

This is all terribly weird. You need to confront him & ascertain whether he's lying about the lung cancer. I mean he's likely to know you're suspicious as it's a very serious illness with poor outcomes.

Fearless91 Tue 30-Jun-15 17:14:55

I don't understand.

Firstly, If you're actually going to leave him I think you would just do it. Your children have grown up and moved out, why wait until they're more "financially secure" to leave your husband?? Their finances aren't your responsibility. It sounds like you're using that to justify putting off leaving your husband.

Secondly, why would you stay with somebody for so long knowing full well they lie? White lies are bad enough but full blown lies where they make up cancer? Too far...

Thirdly, if he's lying so much and you're that unhappy why are you desperate for him to help improve your sex life?

Honestly I'm not convinced you will leave him. It sounds like you find reasons to put off walking out. It's fine if you don't wish to its your life after all.

I get the impression if your improved sex life carries on the way it has done for the last week, and he keeps being the nice guy, then you'll be willing to stay whilst you ignore all the lies.
But he's probably being the nice guy because he knows you're about to find out he hasn't got cancer.

nearlyhadenough Tue 30-Jun-15 17:16:05

Yes, when I confronted DH about his 'lie' I asked if it was an unreasonable request to go to an appointment with him. He certainly thought it was.

We are now at that point, hence, my being unsure of how to actually get through that day.

Jan45 Tue 30-Jun-15 17:20:24

I think your OH knows perfectly well you know he is lying, your marriage seems based on him lying and you believing (pretending) but of course both knowing iykwim........ it will prove nothing, only way you will get your confidence and self esteem back is cutting the lying sneak out of your life. Your choice to stay for your kids OP, why you not making arrangements now they are gone?

firesidechat Tue 30-Jun-15 17:20:48

But nothing will happen on the day will it? He will find some excuse not to go and you're back to square one.

There are at least two issues here and they aren't necessarily connected - lack of sex and the lying. Sex with a liar? No thanks.

nearlyhadenough Tue 30-Jun-15 17:20:50

There may be a misunderstanding - I need to be financially secure NOT my DC.

As yet, I have no proof that he IS lying - that is what I am TRYING to prove.

I agree Fearless - that is what he is doing. And you could be right in that I may not be able to leave. I am seeing a counsellor to help with my exit plan and to address my attachment issues.

firesidechat Tue 30-Jun-15 17:23:18

Have you ever said "I don't believe you" or is this all ignored like some kind of dirty secret?

Jan45 Tue 30-Jun-15 17:25:03

It's blatantly obvious from what you have written already that he is a big fat liar OP.

I don't see how finding this out with evidence will change anything.

nearlyhadenough Tue 30-Jun-15 17:32:26

Fire - yes about 5/6 weeks ago, I asked him to come to GP with me - he refused saying he had asked consultant not to pass on any information. I would not let it drop - which is why there is an 'appointment' with consultant on Thursday.

Jan - it may not change anything except it may be the push I need to leave..... I accept that most (all) people would have already left, but I am me and I have made my choices. I know that it is a toxic relationship. I am working on my plan to leave. This may be the time. He may have gone to far. If I am right

wellcoveredsparerib Tue 30-Jun-15 17:33:48

To be blunt I think you sound as bad as each other and your relationship sounds really warped and co dependant. I doubt if you will leave him but am fairly sure you will spend a lot of time and energy on blaming your unhappiness on his inadequacy

Shapebandit Tue 30-Jun-15 17:34:59

Have you seen the appointment letter? Do you know what hospital it is?
Just call to 'confirm' the appointment and you'll find out there is no such appointments without going through all the waiting for him to cancel.

tribpot Tue 30-Jun-15 17:35:25

You're only staying in order to get your financial security assured (which is not unreasonable) so does it really matter if the lung cancer is a lie? What steps do you need to take to get the finances resolved? I can well imagine him claiming that he can't do [x] or [y] about that until the cancer prognosis is clearer, so if exposing his ridiculous lie helps to achieve that end goal it's worth doing.

I guess it's not unprecedented that a patient in cancer treatment declines to share info with their GP although not very practical. If he says it's cancelled again I think you simply have to say you don't believe him. Even if he agreed to go up to the hospital, you can't just wander up to the oncology unit and ask if anyone recognises him, he could easily claim the team he normally sees isn't on that day.

I think you need to stop seeking proof and (if it really matters to uncover this for the obvious lie that it is) put the burden of proof on him. Most, if not all, people undergoing cancer treatment would find it extremely easy to prove this is the case.

He may hope he can sucker you into staying on the grounds you'll be better off as a widow than a divorcee. Do not believe him.

Jan45 Tue 30-Jun-15 17:38:30

Just because you have stayed and put up with crap doesn't mean you have to continue OP, break the habit, put yourself first here, imagine a life without having to worry if your life partner is lying about lung cancer, wont that be a refreshing change, I'd imagine it would be quite enlightening and a massive weight of your shoulders. You can survive without a man you know.

Tequilashotfor1 Tue 30-Jun-15 17:38:51

Get your finances together today, Pack a bag and wait for Thursday if you need that absolute reason. When he tells you it's been cancelled - walk out the door.

I don't think he is intrested in sex with you at all as he has left it so long before getting help. He things if he shags you enough you will stick around.

pocketsaviour Tue 30-Jun-15 17:39:02

But you will never get "proof" because he will keep on stringing it out.

There is no appointment - you know that, he knows that, we know that. On the day he will manufacture a problem with his car, a sudden agonising pain in his back, a fake phone call rescheduling the appointment, whatever.

As long as you continue to accept his weak-ass excuses and not demand full disclosure (i.e.: going to the GP together) you will never get the "proof" you say you want.

He's refused to let you see the GP, that's proof enough for me. He's a disgusting liar and he won't change.

pocketsaviour Tue 30-Jun-15 17:40:24

Actually trib has a good point: put the burden of proof on him. The very least he would have is an appointment letter from oncology.

firesidechat Tue 30-Jun-15 17:41:51

I guess it's not unprecedented that a patient in cancer treatment declines to share info with their GP although not very practical.

Patients don't have that option tribpot. It would be a huge health and safety issue not to tell the gp about cancer diagnosis and treatment. I know from personal experience that every time there is a treatment or a result the consultant sends a letter to the gp for there records. The op's husband is lying.

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