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Realised I have no respect for DH

(35 Posts)
TooMuchJD Tue 30-Jun-15 15:26:10

Our marriage is just a quarterly cycles of feeling generally pissed at each other, having rows, making up, everything ok for a while, then the cycle beginning again once the "best behaviour" time has worn off.

Have realised that I do generally view DH in the negative, try very hard not to, but his actions generally just come round to me being pissed off with him again. He starts cribbing & moaning about how terrible x,y,z is and I just roll my eyes and think "ffs...what is it now that he's cribbing about" - he is one of lifes moaners, glass half empty, negative kind of person (he would say he's a realist, I would say pessimist and then some), I then feel I have to deal with the shit, he resents this and calls me controlling, I back off and am then told I don't care about him or his feelings???

Had counselling, tried PMA, tried just ignoring it but nothing changes even when my attitude changes something will happen to bring us back down to the point where he threatens to leave is I don't change and start compromising?

thoroughly fed up of the drama, wholly incapable of deciding what is best action and if it is me that's is in the wrong what do I do about it?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Tue 30-Jun-15 15:34:32

Why are you still married? Kids? Complicated finances?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 30-Jun-15 15:45:44

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

And you are still together because....?

goddessofsmallthings Tue 30-Jun-15 15:50:33

What are you supposed to compromise over? Being an optimist when he's a miserable old git pessimist?

When does it get to be his turn to compromise? Does he control the purse strings?

Do you have dc? If so, they'll be adversely affected by the disharmony in the family home.

Janette123 Tue 30-Jun-15 17:20:29

ToomuchJD,
What are you getting out of this, exactly?

Just ask him to leave and be done with it.

TooMuchJD Wed 01-Jul-15 11:50:26

We have 2dc's, I have older dc from prev. relationship. Don't have mortgage, finances have always been separate other than paying contribution to the bills.
He refers to himself as Bruce Willis in Sixth Sense, he's in the room but no one listens to him. This is right in one respect, we don't, we've become accustomed to the perpetual whinging & whining that both me & the dc's have switched off to him. I feel that he tends to want to pick & choose the bits of family he wants to be involved in, he likes the idea and kudos of being a husband/parent but resents the responsibility and mundaneness that goes with it.

I don't know what I am getting from this relationship really. Part of me thinks that maybe I am not making enough effort to make it better but then history shows that it doesn't matter how much I try to be mindful of his "feelings" and keep them uppermost he still isn't "happy" there is always something that isn't right, be it at home, work, generally in the wider world.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Wed 01-Jul-15 20:52:00

What's the point in making an effort if you are the only one making an effort?

Are there any reasons to stay?

blueribbons Thu 02-Jul-15 00:26:39

No good advice, but this is what my DH is like, very negative and his conversations always revolve either around awful news stories or colleagues or customers at work who have annoyed him that day. Kids and I have done the same as you and tend to just block out his negative conversation. Drives me up the wall, and it's such a waste of your life being bloody miserable all the time, but he seems to prefer it that way!

TooMuchJD Sat 04-Jul-15 17:18:11

Dread weekends blueribbons, saps my emotional energy. We are all anxious whilst hes around waiting for the next thing to set him off. How do you cope with yr dh? Mine moans about being ignored but then moans when hes not got a minute to himself. Can't win. So fed up.
He says its all my fault of course, and on some points he is right.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 04-Jul-15 17:28:15

If it's not working why not walk away?

You're just on the hamsters wheel - your conclusion will be the same every time until you get off it........

NotTellingYouMyName Sat 04-Jul-15 17:37:19

We are all anxious whilst hes around Sorry to be blunt, but maybe it's time for him to stop being around. That sounds like an awful way to live.

NotTellingYouMyName Sat 04-Jul-15 17:39:30

And I don't think it is you that's in the wrong, but even if it was you wouldn't be obliged to stay with him.

Oomph Sat 04-Jul-15 17:48:15

It doesn't sound fun and I feel for you. Like other posters have said, there is no obligation to stay with someone if it's not working. By the sounds of it your children are aware of the tension and not particularly enjoying it either. You may do everyone a favour if you separate.

By the sounds of it, he saps your energy in order to feed is negativity. This is utterly exhausting, and you have no obligation to be his accessory. What would happen if you separated? Who would be at the receiving end of his moods and negativity? Who would then be to blame? And quite frankly, do you care, if you are not around to hear it?

WaltJunior Sat 04-Jul-15 17:54:16

Well, you're not alone I'm so fed up with my negatived he. If it's sunny it's too bright if it's cloudy it's too dark that is his whole outlook. His dad is exactly the same I should've spotted it. Dread weekends too, love Mondays!!! It's not as easy as just leaving though is it, especially with children.

financialwizard Sat 04-Jul-15 18:30:18

Ok, my husband is exactly the same. I could write that post word for word and my children and I constantly walk on eggshells. Last week I'd had enough and told him I wanted to separate. The relief was enormous. So much so that even though he is still living in the house I am elated that I don't have to listen to his miserable ramblings anymore. Sounds like you have a very similar situation. GET OUT for your own SANITY for gods sake. Life is too short to put up with this.

*disclaimer-probably impassioned about this because I just got out*

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 04-Jul-15 18:40:11

He's a black hole of negativity. It seems that nothing you do or say will make any difference. Be careful that he doesn't drag you all down with him.

I'd make plans to leave. He sounds like hell to live with. Your poor children

yougotafriend Sat 04-Jul-15 18:43:54

My stbxh was exactly like this, but his negativity was tinged with aggression. He would moan over really unnecessary things like something on TV but then go into a full on rant I hated it, it felt like my home wasn't the relaxed safe place I wanted. I dreaded holidays as we had to exactly what he wanted or he'd start moaning & spoil it for everyone else.

Anyway that amongst other unacceptable behaviour saw me out of the door and I haven't looked back since.

TooMuchJD Sat 04-Jul-15 22:37:01

WaltJunior think we may be married to the same person. And you're right, its not that easy to just end it when there are children involved. If he was out & out abusive or I was totally blameless then it would be a no brainer. Its the effect all the arguing is having on the kids that is bothering me the most :-(

NorksAreMessy Sat 04-Jul-15 22:50:20

Karen Salmondsohn says that "being negative is like spraying yourself with anti-charisma".

Being around negative people is absolutely exhausting, and add in the arguing and it is time for a "can you imagine yourself with him in five years? " exercise.

You can walk out into the sunshine any time you choose

TooMuchJD Sat 04-Jul-15 23:04:43

On top if all the day to day shit I know that if we do call it quits he will be a complete bastard about it, especially where HIS children are concerned, there will be no doing whats best for them only what he feels he has a right to. When we've talked about separating before his monologue has always been about how hard it'll be for him to start over at his age, how he'll have no money etc.

hesterton Sat 04-Jul-15 23:08:41

Does he recognise his problem?

Does he want to change but doesn't know how?

Would he consider CBT?

measles64 Sat 04-Jul-15 23:14:49

I am married to a Victor Meldrew, it is draining and only stops when we have an out and out row. Then he backs off. Word of warning they get worse as they age. My friends husband hit 50 and boom became a grumpy old git.

blueribbons Sun 05-Jul-15 21:29:46

TooMuchJD, we cope by pretty much ignoring him, to be honest - not the best recipe for a relationship or a happy family, but it's the only thing that works for us. He doesn't moan about being ignored, he just gets all passive aggressive about it, refusing to admit he's peeved but snapping at every little trivial thing.

Why do you feel it's your fault? I used to feel quite guilty about the fact I was glazing over and not listening to dh, but it's been about three years of non-stop doom and gloom now, and it's just impossible to keep engaging with that attitude without doing yourself emotional or mental harm.

TooMuchJD Mon 06-Jul-15 13:05:46

I feel partly responsible for the issues we have as I know that I can be quite bossy assertive at times. I do try to be mindful of this and before reacting to his plainly unreasonable behaviour think to myself "Am I over-reacting?"
This weekend has been hell. He was cobbed off on Friday (poss. due to the weather) had huge over reaction to DS1 being out when we got in and not waiting to be told he could go out or leaving a note to say where he had gone (he's 15 and had popped up the street to see if his mate was coming out later) - I would have just reminded him to let us know so we're not worried, DH turned it into a huge rant, up in his face and culminating in telling him if he didn't like the rules he knew where the door was - which then turned into a HUGE row between us. But of course none of it was his fault, if I was parenting better/more disciplined etc. it would never have happened.
I could go one & on about what a dick he is at times but frankly I'm bored of moaning about him sad

measles64 Mon 06-Jul-15 15:13:17

It is all my fault if son in his opinion steps out of line. I was in tears at the weekend after he ranted at him unfairly imo. So we ended up having an argument. Son is 14 and cannot walk out. I am sad that when he goes to uni. he will not want to come home to this sort of thing during the holidays and we will lose him.

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