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Help me understand if i am the demon cow!!

(63 Posts)
socksandsandels Tue 30-Jun-15 12:25:12

Ok, here goes, I am 39 yrs old, married 12 yrs, with 2 DC. For the last 2+ years our marriage has been struggling mainly due to my husband what I see it as a drug addiction (soft drugs but drugs all the same), it is an everyday habit. He also drink 2 - 3 cans every night.

We spoke previously about this he was going to change but same old story it hasn't happened and probably never will. I think I have probably switched off now but feel desperately sad what it has come to.

We still have a sex life but don't share a bedroom anymore.

I started a new jobs 6 months ago and it has opened my eyes as to what life really could be like instead of what we are like now.

Heres the horrible bit on my part, I have gotten friendly with a male colleague never any more that talking, general chit chat, nothing about relationships etc or sexual. But i feel incredibly guilty that im able to have a laugh with another male but not H anymore and that also has opened my eyes to how wrong things are in my marriage.

But i am so terrified of being without him at the same time, in a strange way he is like my crutch but im stepping away and realise i am capable of going alone, this makes me feel extremely sad for my family but i know he lies to me about how much he spends on drugs and uses.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

RagingJellyBean Tue 30-Jun-15 12:32:13

Stop where you are.

You're on the road to emotional cheating, and the fact you felt you had to even mention that you've been talking to a male colleague shows you know your attitude towards this man is more than just friendly.

Either sort out your marriage, or end it before this male colleague starts clouding your view. Whatever you do, don't keep whatever it is you've got going with your male colleague because your situation will go from bad to worse seriously quick!

You're not a demon cow, just a woman fed up, but don't lose sight of your moral compass.

schlong Tue 30-Jun-15 12:37:05

The joints and 2-3 (wow!) cans a night are a fig leaf. You've met someone else you fancy and need to blame oh. How can chillaxing of an evening be a source of marital strife? More likely the fact you've been together 12 years and you're bored.

Supervet Tue 30-Jun-15 12:37:46

Your not a demon cow but life is too short to remain this unhappy. I've been you.

socksandsandels Tue 30-Jun-15 12:39:30

Thank you, i just mentioned the guy and new job as the escape from my own circle right now perhaps made me realise things are wrong.

Not just him, female colleagues also, such normal things they do with their partners/husbands.

I am so worried we are beyond fixing due to the on going habits he knows makes me anxious and worried.

I didn't really have friends before my new job as such, so maybe just the newness of it all makes me question things.

socksandsandels Tue 30-Jun-15 12:43:52

schlong ~ with the joints i am speaking 5 or 6, i don't fancy my colleague, i am very sad as to the bleak outlook of my marriage that's what is wrong, i feel guilty for feeling this way as i believed we would be forever.

I would love to feel the happiness in our marriage again but im not sure how to get it back?

Joysmum Tue 30-Jun-15 12:44:02

You've just had your eyes opened to the fact your marriage isn't 'normal' let alone happy.

You're right, there's so much more to life than an unhappy marriage and 2 years is a long time not to be be happy, 3, 4 & 5 years are even longer if there's no prospect of this changing.

So go if there's no hope left, give yourself a chance at happiness.

socksandsandels Tue 30-Jun-15 12:47:00

Joysmum~ thank you, it is the guilt of hurting someone i can not handle and i really don't want to hurt him or the kids by breaking the family up but it seems a one sided battle at the moment.

I never like the idea of trying to change someone but he needs to change for his own mental health also as i believe the drugs do have a detrimental effect on him.

Thenapoleonofcrime Tue 30-Jun-15 12:47:37

I don't see you on the road to an emotional affair at all, you are allowed to laugh and joke with male and female colleagues and enjoy yourself at work, indeed it's better if you do. However, what this has done is opened up a world which is different than the joints/cans sitting in every night life you have with your husband- that people do different enjoyable things, not watch one person get stoned night after night (different if you enjoy this together, which you don't and different if he isn't really affected by this, my guess is he is).

There is a whole world out there and it sounds like you are being critical of your husband as a result. Only you know if that's unfair and you are just caught up with the newness of it all, or whether, actually, it's exposed you to the painful reality that life with him really isn't all that.

Thenapoleonofcrime Tue 30-Jun-15 12:50:19

And I knew it wouldn't be one or two joints every now and again, and I knew his motivation and mental health would be poor- it's all interconnected (not for everyone who smokes, but for some people it just becomes a way to passively avoid life and increases their problems). Of course you don't want to throw away your life on someone who is in a dip but won't change or drag himself out of it.

tiktok Tue 30-Jun-15 12:51:12

Weed every day and alcohol every night is not chillaxing. It's meaning you never see/speak to your dh when he is actually sober. It's not a basis for a good relationship with you, and neither are the associated lies. It means he would never be in a fit state to care for your kids, drive them anywhere, relate to them.

Of course it's not normal or tolerable.

Of course you are going to be aware of other, nicer people, including other men.

Hope you get it sorted. You don't have to tolerate it.

ShortandSweeter Tue 30-Jun-15 12:57:34

No cows here. Just leave him if you're not happy-it's okay to not want to be with him, but don't try and blame the H for it.

schlong Tue 30-Jun-15 13:00:40

Ok 5-6 joints is beyond chillaxing and into numbing of pain territory. Don't add to his pain by having an affair tho.

pnutter Tue 30-Jun-15 13:02:16

Living with an addict (of any kind) is really hard work imo. Can you talk to him ?

socksandsandels Tue 30-Jun-15 13:05:34

No i wouldn't have an affair, my conscious would never handle it to be honest, i feel guilty speaking with other male!

I have spoken with him and somehow i ended up feeling like i was too blame and i felt awful for suggesting changes.

I have also spoken with my mum who i am close to just recently, she cant believe i have been feeling like this and had no idea about the way we live. She now sees him in a different light, again this has made me feel bad.

schlong Tue 30-Jun-15 13:11:01

He's depressed! Help him work through that instead of abandoning him. And the multiple joints are a symptom of mental anguish not the cause of it.

Skiptonlass Tue 30-Jun-15 13:14:07

You're not a cow. But you are at a junction. You've seen what life could be like and it's made you reassess what you have now.

So take it no further with the colleague. You're allowed to have male friends of course, but don't let this stray into emotional affair territory.

What you need to do is decide whether your husband can kick his habits and get you back to a level of happiness, or if your marriage is a lost cause.

You need to have a frank chat with your husband and lay it on the line. 5-6 joints plus a few cans a night is not ok- he's not fit to look after your kids after that, for example. And the kids are exposed to it as well.

If you can salvage it, great, but don't spend your life shackled to someone who puts joints and drink ahead of your children and happiness.

DorisLessingsCat Tue 30-Jun-15 13:18:58

He's depressed! Help him work through that instead of abandoning him. And the multiple joints are a symptom of mental anguish not the cause of it.

I could not disagree more. He had to decide to help himself. He has a drug and an alcohol dependency so no wonder he is incapable of sustaining a happy relationship.

OP - do what you need to do to be happy and to keep your children safe. I personally could not bring children up with a drug dependent parent in the house.

magoria Tue 30-Jun-15 13:27:21

Tell your H you want a divorce and start the ball rolling.

Make it clear to him the drink /drug taking is a deal breaker.

Be open to counselling.

The only way he will change is if he wants to.

If he does you can stop the divorce. If he doesn't you knew the drink and drugs mean more right now and you can leave.

schlong Tue 30-Jun-15 13:31:41

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hoppinggreen Tue 30-Jun-15 13:39:28

Op has said that she is not considering an affair and does not fancy male colleague.
It is at least unhealthy and possibly unsafe for children to grow up with an addict, which Is What her husband is.
Op you have realised your relationship isn't right so if you don't think you can fix it then you need to end it, easier said than done I appreciate

pocketsaviour Tue 30-Jun-15 13:45:39

FFS schlong, talk about enabling addicts. Oh yes let's blame the loved one for inciting a worse addiction. You're talking like a typical addict. "If you make me give up weed I'll be soooo unhappy and it's all your fault" hmm

OP, if you want to give him a chance to change that's fine, but you must understand that you are not the problem here: the substance abuse is. Your primary concern right now must be the safety of your kids, who from what you're saying have never seen their dad sober.

How sad is that?

I would suggest contacting Narc-Anon or Al-Anon as they help addicts' loved ones.

A book often recommended on here is Co-Dependent No More, I haven't read it myself though.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 30-Jun-15 13:46:10

You know, you should be able to have a chat and a laugh with male colleagues without feeling guilty. There is a danger if you aren't used to relating to men on an equal, friendly basis that you might start to feel inappropriately close, and in that case avoid him like the plague! But generally there is no reason why men and women shouldn't interact in a platonic manner in the workplace. It is not cheating to have an everyday sort of discussion over a sandwich with a man any more than it is with a woman (assuming you're both straight). The sad bit is that you should be having your best chats and laughs with your own husband, as well as those intimate things (I definitely don't just mean sex - emotional stuff, family stuff) that you only share with him. Once you find you're better able to relate to the person you barely know at work than to the one you live with, it's a sign that something's wrong. Unless you're greatly misrepresenting the situation it seems that it isn't you who isn't putting enough effort into the marriage, it's your H "cheating" with substances rather than women.

DorisLessingsCat Tue 30-Jun-15 14:04:10

schlong you are so deluded I can't even frame a reply.

OP - your partner's addictions are in no way your fault. Never think that they are.

Supervet Tue 30-Jun-15 14:13:38

schlong both drinking and joints can cause mental health issues.
I've been the op, I've tried to help. if they won't help themselves to its pointless. 12 years of my life I spent walking on egg shells to the point I myself suffer anxiety and depression.

Life is too short to spend years of your life utterly miserable.

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