Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.


(20 Posts)
gabyjane Tue 30-Jun-15 12:06:37

So you get together with someone..they are married (but separated)
Would you want/expect them to divorce their ex and if so what sort of time scale?


worserevived Tue 30-Jun-15 12:36:03

I'd want prove the (ex)wife was aware they were separated.....

worserevived Tue 30-Jun-15 12:42:32

or proof even

Lovingfreedom Tue 30-Jun-15 12:45:02

I've been separated but not divorced for nearly 4 years. I make it pretty obvious to new partners that the relationship with my 'husband' is over though. If there's doubt then ditch him cos really do you want date someone who is still hedging it with their 'wife'?

gabyjane Tue 30-Jun-15 13:01:10

Thanks for the replies.
The wife is aware yes no doubts there. We've been together 6 years in October and I find it odd he won't sort it out?

worserevived Tue 30-Jun-15 13:59:27

I guess you can't expect him to do anything, but it is strange that neither of them want to. What are his reasons? Ultimately it's up to you to decide whether you want to stay with him on this basis. If yes, make sure you have legal agreements drawn up that give you the same protection as marriage in the event of a split, critical illness or death, and check who is the beneficiary on life insurance policies etc

goddessofsmallthings Tue 30-Jun-15 14:19:46

After 5 years separation either spouse can divorce the other without consent.

The petition to divorce to can be filed online for very little cost (less than £100) and a solicitor may only be needed for the 'financials' and matters relating to the dc (if any).

In the absence of a document of legal separation, until such time as the decree Absolute is granted your bf? remains married to his wife in the eyes of the law with all of the implications this implies in relation to his estate/funeral should he pop his clogs prematurely.

pocketsaviour Tue 30-Jun-15 14:28:19

You've been with him 6 years?! I thought you were going to say a year or something.

For me, the major thing would be that he isn't free to marry you. This would indicate that he's not interested in marrying you. If you want to settle down and have a family with him, that's not a good place to start.

On the other hand if you are happy with a living together relationship and you already have DCs of your own, perhaps that isn't important to you?

goddessofsmallthings Tue 30-Jun-15 14:39:36

It's not uncommon for married couples to go their own ways without attending to any of the formalities and some may find it convenient not to divorce as it means they can't make the same mistake with someone else.

However, imo any married man or woman who goes on to have a long-term live in relationship with another has a duty of care to make provision for their new partner, and any dcs from the relationship, in the event of their death.

Lovingfreedom Tue 30-Jun-15 16:01:15

I was quoted between £800 and £1300 for divorce. Once youngest child is 16 then it's much less (about £50?). That's what I'm waiting for. I'm in scotland differs in England & Wales

Goodbetterbest Tue 30-Jun-15 16:13:31

I think some things, like pension sharing, can't be formalised without a divorce. (I should know this as I am going through it).

Frankly I cant get divorced quickly enough!

Cabrinha Tue 30-Jun-15 16:34:26

6 years? shock
It would totally depend on individual reasons though. I'd be more tolerant of a divorce in progress than one not yet started.
It took me 18 months to get divorced because of my XH stalling paperwork - I'm glad my boyfriend didn't care. But - I'd moved out, bought a house, had court paperwork going back and forth - it was clearly admin.
If a boyfriend gave me a good reason, I wouldn't care necessarily.
I'd care more if the boyfriend became my life partner. I know it's catastrophising, but I might want to be the next of kin if asked about organ donation, for example. Probably not your biggest upset if your partner died! But I wouldn't want an "ex" wife over ruling my decision for my loved one.

My friend isn't divorced because her XH moved back to Egypt, she has no idea where he is, and CBA with the hassle of finding out how to do it. I think she was married over there but it is binding. Something like that.

What is his reason?

Janette123 Tue 30-Jun-15 17:16:37

I am not sure when you say you "got together" that you meant you were living together?
In any event 6 years is plenty of time for him to get this sorted out if he wanted to.
IMO you should ask him where he sees your relationship this time next year and does he plan to get divorced. His answer will tell you everything you need to know .....

gabyjane Tue 30-Jun-15 20:58:24

Thanks for the replies.
When I said 'get together' I guess I wanted others views of it was them..however we have been living together 5.5 years.
His reasons? None as such..keeps saying he will do it..cost, stubbornness (why can't the ex pay etc)
No I don't want to marry him. We each have our own children. I find it frustrating he still has this tie as such

Lovingfreedom Wed 01-Jul-15 12:59:31

He's right it will be money and hassle. As long as finances are sorted, perhaps he doesn't see the point. What difference will it make if he gets divorced? It doesn't sound like this is about him not wanting to move on from his ex...but he's obv not in a hurry to re-marry.

Bogeyface Wed 01-Jul-15 13:46:34

I would be a bit pissed off if it was a case of neither of them doing as they both want to other one to pay for it.

Seems very childish and I would be getting annoyed about it, just grow up and sort it out FFS! (them, not you!)

gabyjane Thu 02-Jul-15 09:28:23

Thanks for the replies..
Lovingfreedom maybe your right. I just see it as a natural progression when you spereate from someone and im not sure 5+ years isn't leaving that a long time?! I don't want to marry him so it isn't for that reason its just I feel its an odd tie still to have. maybe its me!

thelonggame Thu 02-Jul-15 12:12:35

you have made sure he's got a will sorted out haven't you.
His wife is his next of kin, and although many life insurances won't pay out to her as they don't live together, any payout will go to his children - not you.
Whats the situation with the house you live in?
If he has an operation that needs next of kin to sign - they'll be his wife that makes the decision. If he dies his wife she could cut you out of the funeral arrangements if she wanted to.
Personally I wouldn't live with a man that is still married to someone else, you have very little protection by law - his wife still has it.

Lovingfreedom Thu 02-Jul-15 14:11:53

I'm in Scotland & got a separation agreement that severs inheritance rights etc. Maybe u could see a solicitor for ideas about how to protect yourself?

gabyjane Thu 02-Jul-15 14:41:24

He says hes put me in his will but im not sure what it entails.
I don't want any claim on his house etc so have never really thought about it much.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: