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Boyfriends has pushed me away - how long do I leave it?

(12 Posts)
NutellaOnCrumpets Tue 30-Jun-15 05:57:06

First of all apologies if this isn't the most eloquent post, I haven't slept. I will try to keep this short as possible. My boyfriend of two years has out of the blue pushed me away. He's got a history of depression and low self esteem and has had counselling for this before but not for a while. We don't live together but he was staying at mine several nights a week. We had been talking at the weekend about possibly living together and I said I don't think we are quite ready yet. I don't know if it's that that triggered it but he's suddenly pushed me away, taken his stuff and gone back to his saying he doesn't deserve me, he can't be the man I need, I deserve better, that my dc come first and he doesn't want this around them. It's so sudden. Only a couple of weeks ago we had a lovely two week holiday abroad just the two of us which was amazing. We were so happy. I spoke to him on the phone last night and when I asked if there was any chance for us he said he didn't know. He said he has booked a doctors appt for Thursday afternoon. Normally when we are apart we are in touch all the time but yesterday I had nothing.
To say I am devastated is an understatement, we had been planning our future together, always very tactile and loving. I haven't slept for two days for crying and trying to work this out. He has assured me there is no one else and that there's nothing else he hasn't told me, and I believe him.
How long am I supposed to wait while he works out for certain one way or the other what he wants to do? I love him and want to support him, I thought it's what partners do. This is killing me.

hesterton Tue 30-Jun-15 06:03:55

If he's genuinely ill - and it sounds like he is - can you just calmly let him know you love him hugely and you are here for him, you're really glad he's seeking treatment and you will give him the space he needs for the moment.

I think you hen have to step back for a bit and see what happens. At some point if he doesn't want to come back to you, you'll have to come to terms with that. He may get better and at least explain what has been in his mind.

I hope he's ok and that things are swiftly resolved one way or another.

Ouchbloodyouch Tue 30-Jun-15 06:06:51

You don't wait. You take what he says at face value and move on. Or at least start the process.
He doesn't get to decide your future.
I know I might sound abrupt but I don't mean to. I completely understand the pain you are going through. I went through it last Sept and was utterly heartbroken. But the wise and lovely MN'ers got me through.
I did cut contact and block his number.
That really helped and if you Google Baggage Reclaim you will find a whole topic on Breaking up and moving on by going no contact.
I'd write more but am going to work now.
Its a horrible feeling but it does get better flowers

Janette123 Tue 30-Jun-15 06:58:13

NutellaOnCrumpets, I am sorry this has happened to you.

When guys say things like "I don't deserve you", "I'm no good for you", "you need someone better than me", believe them.

He's gone - so do not, repeat do not put your life on hold for him. You need to start to build a life without him.

Being depressed does not excuse him for treating you so cruelly.

It does get better, although you won't believe it at the moment.

NutellaOnCrumpets Tue 30-Jun-15 09:40:37

Thanks for the replies. I don't know what to do, I followed hestertons advice and sent him a text saying I was here for him and would give him space and loved him, which he has replied to.
I don't know if I am being a mug for doing that, but I feel I can't just give up.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 30-Jun-15 11:41:48

Definitely start moving on. Either he's a nice bloke who is ill, in which case the best option for him is to let professionals help him and devote his energies to getting better rather than struggling to maintain a relationship, or he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and is using his depression as an exit strategy. If it's the former, it might be possible to start again with him some time in the future (if you haven't already found better things to do) but hanging around hoping will make you wretched.
Good luck, you can get beyond this.

Jan45 Tue 30-Jun-15 13:07:55

Ill, depressed, whatever he is, he has no right to treat you so appallingly, I guess he is stull working, able to operate in the normal world - I'd take him at his word too and leave him to it.

givemehopehelpmecope Tue 30-Jun-15 16:08:37

Hi OP, I left my P 3 weeks ago. He claimed he was depressed however he had started being aggressive & tbh a bit scary. As others said to me on here: depression is no excuse for bad behaviour. It's been killing me that he's not around, but it really was too much stress.Good luck.

LovesPeace Tue 30-Jun-15 16:36:10

I'm a cynic, but I'd be very suspicious of the link between you telling him you're not quite ready to let him move in, and his big dramatic flounce.

He was obviously fine up to that point - well enough to enjoy a holiday - but suddenly not getting his way has plummeted him into depression so severe he can't answer a text? Hmmmmm. hmm

sanfairyanne Tue 30-Jun-15 16:55:44

sounds more like a massive sulk to get you back in line if it coincides with you saying he cant move in yet. i'd stop that in its tracks right now!

mrstweefromtweesville Tue 30-Jun-15 17:00:54

I'm with everyone who says 'He's gone. Get on with your life.'

RedKite1985 Wed 01-Jul-15 16:23:35

Definitely sulking.

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