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What should I do, please advise

(8 Posts)
cmdrsparks Mon 29-Jun-15 21:36:20

Hi Friends
New to this forum don't know how to start
Here is my little story and I appreciate your time and advise

I am 40 years old was born and raised in India
Met my husband 12 years ago through a matrimonial website and got married

As we only dated online I realised after marriage he wasn't interested in making love
So weird but true , first I felt he might be gay or having another woman in his life but No
I kept eye on him 3-4 months nothing was suspicious at all
And all these 12 years apart from house hold normal arguments things were okay between us

He was out of work for nearly 5 years and I looked after him

I accepted harsh fact and learn to live with him without physical love
I always thought he loves me a lot and never even thought to leave him
Or never even told anyone about this as I felt it would be disrespectful for him.

We are not too bad with finances so I recently left work as well
Now since few months he suddenly changed, went out for meal with work colleagues 3 times in a month which never happens in 12 years
Keeps hiding his phone
Come home straight to gym and back around 9 pm
No consideration about me that I am waiting for him

I asked many times if anything is going on his life but he denied
But truth come out I found some text from a lady so he finally accepted he was seeing someone

he tells me he finds me boring

I discussed with my in laws and there was a big arguments, he got told off
He promised us that he won't see her ever again
Since he doesn't hide his phone but he doesn't look happy

Doesn't talk to me much, keep asking me to go to India

I am broken , he is confused
One day he tells me he wants to seperate and one day he says
I can live here but he won't give me anything

I am completely broken, don't know what to do
Can not think my life without him or alone

He doesn't want even chat on this subject like he is running away
We are still under one roof but I feel so alone

What should I do
Give him some time to think
Or go to India with my family few months hoping he will miss me?
( or risk is he would even go away completely forever )

I am not ready for breakup and willing to let go and forgive him

I even asked him if I would have found someone how he would have feel?
But no answer..

Please advise this broken girl

Many Thanks

TattieHowkerz Mon 29-Jun-15 21:40:47

You deserve more than this half life.

First decide what you want, without your husband. You can't make him love you and he is being unfair. Do you want to be here or India?

cmdrsparks Mon 29-Jun-15 21:55:17

I want to live here as his wife but if he doesn't love me then no point, I still think as he hasn't got over this new lady he met recently he says all that. If I go away he might realise my value. I do everything for him cooking , laundry , shopping everything.
But I am broken if he really wants to live me I am finding difficult to cope with

I really don't know apart from getting angry sometimes when we had arguments when I. Went wrong

DozyDora451 Mon 29-Jun-15 22:34:03

I'm so sorry that you are in this unhappy situation. It sounds like you have put up with a lot. Your relationship with your husband sounds unbalanced and it doesn't sound like he makes much effort to meet your needs - either physically or emotionally.

He is not interested in a physical relationship with you; he tells you he finds you boring, he was unfaithful, he tells you he wants you to leave the country and he refuses to have a meaningful discussion about the situation.

He is treating you with disrespect. Maybe a holiday to India would be a good idea for you? It will give you the time and space to figure out what you want from your marriage and from life. If you are as unfulfilled as you appear, maybe it is time to end the relationship and move on?

I think people are happier alone than in dysfunctional relationships. He doesn't sound like he wants to work at your marriage.

Stop thinking about what you can do to make him think or feel certain things and start thinking about what is going to make you feel better. You deserve peace as much as the next person.

Check out this website about relationships - I have found it invaluable in the past:

I wish you lots of luck xx

LadyB49 Mon 29-Jun-15 22:39:45

But you are not really living as his wife. And he does not have any consideration or respect for you. You did nothing wrong, you are just not made for each other.
Would your family help you if you left him.
What about getting advice from Women's Aid to find out your position regarding finances.
Why stay when you are so unhappy and he doesn't care.

DeanParrish Mon 29-Jun-15 23:44:17

It might be terribly convenient for him to have you in India for a few months.
I wouldn't leave unless I didn't want the marriage to continue.
However, your marriage doesn't sound great and he seems to be making you very unhappy.
So sorry.

Zillie77 Tue 30-Jun-15 04:37:18

Pardon me for asking, but have you ever had a physical relationship with someone? Because I think that if you will never have that with your husband it is a shame, and you might want to consider leaving him so you could have one in the future with someone else. It is a very nice experience to be in love and to be physically close with someone. I hate to see you miss out on that.

cmdrsparks Tue 30-Jun-15 14:20:06

No I haven't even thought about leaving him, as any human wants I wanted physical relationship desperately but I have condition called vaginasumus,
We tried few times back in 2004 and when ever we tried I forced him. Slowly I stop chasing him and we were living like two friends.
All my feelings now died about making love because it's so long.
I was so busy in my career working for airlines in manager role so helped me to stop thinking about that.

In our culture divorce would be seen as a big disaster.

When I used to get very frustrated with him I told him few times in past I will get divorce
But never meant that, we had argument and half an hour later we were together again as nothing happened

So now he reminds me that I asked for divorcee so he is giving me
I apologised for that and even said I am ready to forget your mistake and move on
But he doesn't commit just keep saying we will take one day at a timed leant talk tome just eats dinner and goes to bed

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