I'm almost embarrassed to post this...

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

But I'm still with my DP. The one who has been separated for ten years but is still married and is verbally abusive whenever he drinks himself into a stupor, which is rarer than it used to be but still happening.

When it first started happening, I would cry myself to sleep. I don't do this anymore. I think I have actually run out of tears.

Last night he got drunk again and picked a fight with me where he insulted me a lot and called me names.

He has apologised today but I just can't be arsed anymore.

There is a lot of history, more than happy for you to read my past posts to get more of a general context.

I'm terrified of leaving. I know ill miss him terribly. I know that I'll also feel really alone in the world and very vulnerable. I give of a tough appearance but I'm very very scared.

I'm 30.

[Twinklestein]

Do you want kids, because if you do you need to get on and bin this bugger.

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

I never did really but have been wondering if it is because I don't trust anyone enough to make myself that vulnerable for? If that makes sense.

We have been together for six years and he has two great kids who I really love. His ex is nice too so I know how lucky I am

[AnyFucker]

lucky ?

[CocktailQueen]

You're 30! You have your whole life ahead of you!

Leave him, and make your new life wonderful.

[TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle]

Ask yourself, if the next 30 years of your life are exactly the same, will you be happy? He won't change.

Why not give yourself a chance to find someone you can be happy with??

[Twinklestein]

Weird kind of luck to land an arsehole.

Even if you don't want kids surely you want a decent relationship? One that isn't shit?

[paxtecum]

Oh come on.
Get some courage and determination and stop yourself being treated like shit.
Ask yourself if you would be happy with a daughter being treated like that.

Get out now, before children arrive and you are tied to him forever.

[CalleighDoodle]

Get your ducks in a row ans walk away. You deserve to be happy. This abusive drinker wont make you happy. Find the strength.

[Branleuse]

well he sounds like a real catch

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

I'm very scared. I have never lived on my own. My parents are disabled and live far away and I will have no safety net. If I lose my job, I'm on the streets.

I'm really worried about this. But I also love my partner so much and really wanted the last time to be the last time.

He has also been out all evening with his friend. Very annoying as he knew I was upset about the things he said to me last night. Clearly he wants to put things right!

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

I'm thinking: find a cheap house share and save as much money as I can. That will at least help with the anxiety about being on the street

[ThomasRichard]

You're 30. Is this you for the next 50 years? You are at a lovely age to walk away.

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

I've always paid my own way but have always lived with a partner. Never in a house or flatshare

[Vivacia]

I'm very scared.

What exactly are you scared of?

[BastardGoDarkly]

Sharing houses is one of the best experiences of my life. Honestly.

Be brave x

[HelloWheels]

It's better to be alone at 30 than alone at any age as a single parent with an abusive arse of an ex that you are tied to for the next 18 years.

When I was 30, I thought 30 was old. It's no age. I'm now 44 and recently dumped a twattish dp. You can do it.

[ShabbyNat]

You need to look deep inside yourself & find what you really want.
It will be scary, probably very scary, to actually do what you really, deep down want to do.
If that means leaving him or staying with him, only you know deep down.
Please, look deep inside yourself & make your decision, only you can do it.

[Twinklestein]

A flatshare would be the most economical move, and if you're scared of being alone, also the most practical.

If you lose your job you'd be on benefits not on the street.

[WixingMords]

You deserve better. You really do.

Change is scary, but it's worth it.

[something2say]

It will be easier without him. You could meet a much nicer man. Right now you have all of that reality and the aloneness, but having him only makes it worse. You could leave to find the same reality and aloneness in terms of needing to keep your job, but yet not have a horrible man being horrible to you and getting you down. You'll be fine I promise xxx

[butterfly133]

What are you scared of? I first lived alone at 24. A lot of people told me I wouldn't cope. Rubbish. By the time a week had passed, I thought, how will I ever give this up? It's brilliant.

I can't say I've flat shared with strangers but know loads who have and made friends. Maybe someone at work can help?

[FriendofBill]

Spareroom.com

Get out!

[Janette123]

Grape-eater,
What exactly are you getting out of this non-relationship?

"Last night he got drunk again and picked a fight with me where he insulted me a lot and called me names. "

Why do you think you deserve to be treated like this? You are living with an abusive drinker and it's not going to get better because you are tolerating his bad behaviour.

You can start by asking at work if anyone knows of a flat you can rent. Check the local paper for rooms/flats to let. Most landlords welcome single people without kids. Do it today.

Get yourself somewhere else to live.

Then leave this nasty POS.

You can cope. The sky won't fall in. If you lose your job then you will get benefits until you get another one.
Every day you spend with this man is pushing your self esteem further into the pan. You need to put a stop to it.

[Joysmum]

Do you honestly believe you are less capable than all the other single people in the world that live on their own?

That's really no reason to stay.

[Lotsofponies]

They say that 40 is the new 30, so as life begins at 40 you have got another 20 years to practice!! Don't waste it on this arse hole. The fact that you have put up with him all these years proves how strong you are, not weak. I recommend you get some counseling and claim back your life. You can do it.