But I'm still with my DP. The one who has been separated for ten years but is still married and is verbally abusive whenever he drinks himself into a stupor, which is rarer than it used to be but still happening.
When it first started happening, I would cry myself to sleep. I don't do this anymore. I think I have actually run out of tears.
Last night he got drunk again and picked a fight with me where he insulted me a lot and called me names.
He has apologised today but I just can't be arsed anymore.
There is a lot of history, more than happy for you to read my past posts to get more of a general context.
I'm terrified of leaving. I know ill miss him terribly. I know that I'll also feel really alone in the world and very vulnerable. I give of a tough appearance but I'm very very scared.
You need to look deep inside yourself & find what you really want. It will be scary, probably very scary, to actually do what you really, deep down want to do. If that means leaving him or staying with him, only you know deep down. Please, look deep inside yourself & make your decision, only you can do it.
It will be easier without him. You could meet a much nicer man. Right now you have all of that reality and the aloneness, but having him only makes it worse. You could leave to find the same reality and aloneness in terms of needing to keep your job, but yet not have a horrible man being horrible to you and getting you down. You'll be fine I promise xxx
Grape-eater, What exactly are you getting out of this non-relationship?
"Last night he got drunk again and picked a fight with me where he insulted me a lot and called me names. "
Why do you think you deserve to be treated like this? You are living with an abusive drinker and it's not going to get better because you are tolerating his bad behaviour.
You can start by asking at work if anyone knows of a flat you can rent. Check the local paper for rooms/flats to let. Most landlords welcome single people without kids. Do it today.
Get yourself somewhere else to live.
Then leave this nasty POS.
You can cope. The sky won't fall in. If you lose your job then you will get benefits until you get another one. Every day you spend with this man is pushing your self esteem further into the pan. You need to put a stop to it.