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confused over work

(237 Posts)
FishingRod Mon 29-Jun-15 20:17:43

Hi, Im getting really confused feelings about a woman at work and do not know what to do. I am a married man, with children, I do not see much of my wife due to work commitments and her working shifts. Lately a new woman joined our company and I have taken a real liking to her, she is pretty, we connect so easy, she makes me laugh and is completely on my level, her sense of humour, her personality, I just find her so easy to get on with and have never come across a woman like this ever. Sometimes we can chat in the office for ages and we can get really really close when we are looking at something say on her screen, she flirts alot and i flirt back and can talk sometimes flirting dropping sexual references. I just feel so much chemistry, like I have never felt before. and I believe she does too. Sometimes we touch accidentally and that electric feeling runs through me, and i believe she feels it. But she mentions her boyfriend quite regularly which I just ignore, but that really confuses me because of the relationship we seem to have developed. I also think if anything did happen she would blame me because of the frequency she mentions her boyfriend. I think she knows she cannot cross the line and she knows I am married and that makes it difficult for me because I dont want to rock the relationship with my wife, so I have to resist crossing the line. Maybe she mentions her boyfriend because she knows I like her. I would love to tell the woman at work how i feel, but would that ruin the working relationship, we have to work close together? we do have deep conversations and sometimes I get really sexual thoughts towards her. I would love to find out what she thinks without asking her, so we can be open more if she feels the same. One of my friends said i will have a fling and then i will know where my feelings are but that is high risk. So confused as i feel i pay so much more attention to the woman at work. Should I offer to take her out for a drink and see how we feel? so its outside of work.
Regards and please reply with thoughts.

fairgame Mon 29-Jun-15 20:36:31

I've asked mnhq to move your thread to the relationships board where you will get some advice.
Fwiw I would leave it. She might like to flirt with you but the fact that she keeps mentioning her boyfriend I think she is telling you that she is not available for anything more.

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 29-Jun-15 21:58:31

Hi there, yes we think relationships is the place this needs to be. We will move it for you, OP.

DragonsCanHop Mon 29-Jun-15 22:12:47

Have you discussed your feelings for this other women with your wife and worked out what is happening to make you look at this other women in this way?

FishingRod Mon 29-Jun-15 22:27:04

No I have not discussed with my wife, she is the type to go mad and possibly breakdown, and i dont think its a big issue, it could effect my work and marriage. Am happy to keep a lid on everything at the moment because nothing has happened and maybe nothing will. I think the feelings for the other woman is because I have never met anyone like her and we are just so comfortable together, she physically knows it too. She just makes me happy, its like we understand each other inside out.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Jun-15 22:31:15

how fucking tedious hmm

LoisPuddingLane Mon 29-Jun-15 22:37:42

And you don't think it's a big issue or that anything has happened? How wrong you are. How very, very wrong.

Go and spend some time with your wife and put this lady to one side. Give your wife the attention you give to flirt-lady. She deserves that.

viva100 Mon 29-Jun-15 22:37:52

Every time I've noticed a man getting flirty at work, I mentioned my boyfriend/now husband a lot. It's my way of subtly telling them I have no interest in them. Because when a man flirts with me at work it puts me in a very difficult position. I don't feel I can be harsh and say leave me alone because I have to keep working with him. So I mention my husband lots and plans we have together. And continue to be polite by smiling and having polite conversations/listen when they are talking because I have no choice.

She's telling you she's not interested. She's only smiling at you because she is being polite. Leave it. Don't embarass yourself and make life harder for both of you at work. This 'flirting' is most likely only in your head. It's all about you and your sexual thoughts etc. Sort out your marriage.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 29-Jun-15 22:40:24

I just find her so easy to get on with and have never come across a woman like this ever.

Either you've led a very sheltered life or you've forgotten how you once felt about your dw.

This woman enjoys bantering with members of the opposite sex and the fact that she "mentions her boyfriend quite regularly" is indication that her feelings are committed to him otherwise, with her outgoing personality, she would most probably have invited you for a drink by now.

My sympathies are with your employers as no doubt your productivity has decreased due to the amount of time you spend chatting to, and obsessing about, a colleague to say nothing of the time she wastes flirting with a married man.

With regard to your dw, it's be hoped she's having as much fun during her shifts as you are. How would you feel if you discovered she has a friend who's telling her to "have a fling" so that she'll "know where her feelings are"

Get a grip - you're an accident waiting to happen and if you don't want your life to go totally pear-shaped, you'll put the same amount of effort into wooing and impressing your dw as you're currently lavishing on this colleague.

FishingRod Mon 29-Jun-15 22:42:38

Im unsure how i could spend more time with my wife, like i mentioned she works nights mainly, and she is happy at her work. That maybe one of the problems.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 29-Jun-15 22:42:49

And even if she is interested, you have a prior commitment. You remind me of those cartoon characters whose hearts beat out of their chest when they see a pretty cartoon woman.

The oddest thing is that you've given your thread the title "confused over work". This is nothing to do with work. You are having an emotional affair. Affairs aren't always about flesh and putting bits in other bits. You are betraying your wife already. Sort your marriage out. Stop with the cartoon hearts.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 29-Jun-15 22:44:33

Im unsure how i could spend more time with my wife

Where there's a will, there's a way. Tell your wife you want to take her on a date. You can both find time for that, surely.

FishingRod Mon 29-Jun-15 22:45:39

The flirting is definetly in my head, she initiates it and will make comments like 'I almost felt horny then' and if i dont respond she will say it again

FishingRod Mon 29-Jun-15 22:47:21

sorry meant to say the flirting is definetly NOT in my head, she initiates it and will make comments like 'I almost felt horny then' and if i dont respond she will say it again

LoisPuddingLane Mon 29-Jun-15 22:47:37

Stop responding. She can't keep saying it. (And by the way, that is the worst flirting ever).

Ouchbloodyouch Mon 29-Jun-15 22:50:55


LoisPuddingLane Mon 29-Jun-15 22:51:11

I'm going to bed now, but I can tell you for sure how this thread is going to go. 99% of people are going to tell you to go and concentrate on your marriage. Maybe 100%. I do not think anyone is going to say, oh poor you with your wife working nights. Why don't you have an affair? With the woman who does the crap flirting?

Nobody is going to give you permission to cheat.

FishingRod Mon 29-Jun-15 22:52:03

I could probably take her on a date but we only would have time 1 day in the week. I work 5 to 6 days and she works 6 days per week. This means im spending more time in this womans company.

Ouchbloodyouch Mon 29-Jun-15 22:54:37

I spend more time with my contractors than my own children. Perhaps I should bin my kids and adopt my workforce?

LoisPuddingLane Mon 29-Jun-15 22:56:13

Change jobs. Stop engaging with flirt woman. Commit to your wife. This is not a fait accompli, although you seem to be making out it is. If you only have one day a week that you can see your wife, make it special. Or, you know, throw your marriage away for some teenage shit. Night night.

FishingRod Mon 29-Jun-15 22:56:51

my close friend said he had something similar then he had an affair and he had all his answers he said after the affair

MagicalHamSandwich Mon 29-Jun-15 22:58:50

Okay, look OP, I get this. I've had a massive crush on one of my co-workers for a while now. I don't delude myself into thinking it's mutual - he likes me and might fancy me somewhat, but that's it.

We don't openly flirt - at least not more than is usual between co-workers at that place - but our conversation have a strange tendency to end up including sex (not between us but merely in the abstract sense). We've also occasionally talked really personal stuff.

And that's where I draw the line. Both because he's taken and because anything more might risk the career I've invested so much in. And because that's all there can ever be.

I'm careful not to touch him. I don't go for after work drinks with him if no one else is coming.

I enjoy his company and I absolutely enjoy fantasising about him. It makes boring meetings bearable.

But I'm not giving myself permission to have an affair - either emotional or physical. And, frankly OP, to me it sounds as though that may be what you're doing.

Back away! Your wife doesn't deserve that and neither does your co-worker. If you're unhappy in your marriage either work on it or leave. It's simple, really!

goddessofsmallthings Mon 29-Jun-15 22:58:58

she initiates it and will make comments like 'I almost felt horny then'

How crass classy is that??!! I'll try to remember that line next time I'm chatting to a male colleague. hmm

SilkyDove Mon 29-Jun-15 22:59:00

Are you for real?

Instead of investing time flirting and thinking about ways of asking this woman out how about investing that time in your wife and children.

SauvignonPlonker Mon 29-Jun-15 22:59:17

Very appropriate that FishingRod is throwing out a line to another woman......

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