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Another 'should I end it?' thread...?(103 Posts)
Been seeing someone since April. He's lovely but I don't see him very often and last week he texted me, saying he'd checked his schedule and wouldn't be able to see me for 'weeks'. He's self employed and has a lot of massive projects on and also sees his kids a lot ( he's divorced ), but if you really wanted to see someone wouldn't you make time for them? Anyway last night I write down a list of his good and bad points. Just wanted a bit of objectivity as I do really like him and I haven't met someone I've liked so much in years.
Lives far away in middle of nowhere
Has 3 young kids
Sees them a lot
Won't introduce me to them
Won't talk on phone
Doesn't include me in his life
Doesn't invite me to friends parties
Sex is all about him
Has a Bad back
Going to have back Operation in a few months
Mean with money
Was unfaithful to wife
Bad relationships with exes
Didn't make me music cd
Not grateful for things I've done for him ( I've got back problems too and have encouraged him to have massage, found a deep tissue masseur, shown him stretches etc)
Doesn't remember how to make my tea in the morning ( may seem a small thing but I have very weak tea and even last week he didn't remember and asked me if I had sugar!)
Don't trust him
We stayed at a hotel, woke up at 6.30 am due to the light. He wanted to leave so he could go home to sleep. I was knackered and hung over and wanted to stay. He threatened to leave me behind if I didn't get up, taxi would have cost me £50
Makes plans and doesn't follow through, forgets about them
Hasn't texted me for 5 days
Feel like he's losing interest
Gets bored easily
Doesn't seem interested in my life
Doesn't talk about future
We don't do normal things like go to movies, dancing, dinner, watch TV etc
Am physically attracted to him
Makes me laugh
Enjoy sex with him
Said I mean the world to him and that he values, misses and needs me.
Enjoyed seeing him
Looked forward to seeing him
Well your lists are irrelevant really. He has effectively ended the relationship anyway. Move on and don't look back.
Has he ever taken you to his home? If not then it looks as if he is still with someone, and you may be one of many women he has been having sex with. From your list, it looks as if all you get out of this is selfish sex, and only on his terms.
smokes is a good thing? Hmmm- assume you do too?
I'm sorry. He may be a charmer, but he's a bad 'un too. They often are.
Previous post was a bit harsh but I agree- you've been sidelined.
You've been seeing him since April? Three months? You shouldn't need a list after three months.
I agree that if he really wanted to see you, he would find the time. I suggest you move on, he could be keeping you in the wings as someone convenient to have sex with occasionally or maybe he's just not that in to you... but you deserve someone who makes time for you....
Usually, if you have to ask then you already know the answer.
Sex is all about him...but Enjoy sex with him
Have you got a self esteem issue?
Personally I think the most telling thing in your list is Am lonely
Your 'con' list outweighs your 'pro' list in my view. I'd recommend binning him.
Yes, you should end it. Seriously, you can do much much better!
all of "these threads" should have an automated reply
no more to be said
You should make a list for yourself with the top line being, why do I accept so little, so yes, it's not remotely worth hanging on to.
You don't trust him? That's a pretty big one!
After 3 months I don't think it's a con that he won't introduce you to his children.
Basically it sounds like a non serious relationship to him. If you're OK with that, fine. If you want something more then this may not work.
What comes across loud and clear from your "good" points is the fact that you are lonely. Men like this one can spot desperation a mile off and will exploit that for all its worth. And that is precisely what he has done; it should not be such hard work anyway and only after three months too.
His bad points as well far outweigh any good ones he has which makes me also think your relationship bar is set far too low. He is not actually "lovely" at all but a user with a lot of red flags and this is not a healthy nor loving relationship at all.
What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Time to reassess your whole approach to relationships particularly if you are thinking that you have not met someone you have liked so much in years. What you have tried to date has not worked, I would also suggest counselling to improve your low self esteem and self worth.
Bloody ell! Very blunt replies. Yes I have been to his house, pretty sure he's not seeing anyone else and I know he works all the time, has his own business, works from home. Smoking is a plus as I'm a smoker so it doesn't create an issue. Yes it does look bad written down, but when he's with me he's really affectionate, calls me darling, is on time, is very chatty and open and was someone I thought I could fall in love with. I guess he's just another unavailable man, a long line of many... How do I stop being attracted to them??
Your con list includes dealbreakers like 'don't trust him' and 'doesn't include me in life'. Dump.
It sounds awful to me, just 3 months in.
I think the fact he isnt introducing you to children and sees them a lot is positive. But you have put on your good list -
Has money - except he is "mean with money" so you can cross that off
Am lonely - thats not a good reason to be with HIM
Enjoyed seeing him - isn't that a minimum
Looked forward to seeing him - again the very minimum for anyone you would spend time with
Felt desired - not a good reason to be with him specifically
Enjoy sex with him - but sex is all about him
And the bad list!!!
You don't trust him - very serious, i would end it for this alone tbh at this stage
Won't talk on phone - ??
Won't go out - cinema, meals etc or even watch TV or meet his friends.
No talk of future and now won't see you for weeks.
Overall he sounds quite selfish and uninterested.
Sorry but please don't carry on with this.
I agree with AF, these lists are always a LTB situation, because in the 'against' list there are always some deal-breakers. Isn't interested in you? Doesn't involve you in his life? Selfish in bed? Doesn't take you out for meals or the cinema? What would possess you to keep going with someone who can't make time for you and isn't interested in you?
The odd 'darling' and bit of sex can't be enough.
It's good that you posted the list though, it does sound like your bullshit radar is working ok, as you know this isn't ok. This guy is happy to have occasional sex with you but not in any way act like a boyfriend or plan a future together- that's what's on offer. He also doesn't have plans to see you again.
Onwards and upwards, this guy isn't available, but someone nicer and more available will be out there.
Your lists contradicts itself.
How can you enjoy sex with him when it's all about him?
How can you mean the world to him when he doesn't involve you in his life and doesn't contact you for days.
If he values you it wouldn't be all about him. He wouldn't threaten to leave you just because you didn't want to leave the hotel so early.
I know feeling lonely is horrible but being with this man is only going to make it worse.
He doesn't care about you and he doesn't think the world of you. If he did all that you wouldn't be writing out a list of good/bad points about him. You would feel loved.
In all honesty it sounds like he's already ended it or this is his way of letting it fizzle out.
You deserve better.
So what should I do? Send him an email telling him how I feel, to get closure or just delete his contact details? I hate leaving things so unresolved. I feel genuinely confused as he was initially so attentive, texting me at 8.30 in the morning and throughout the day, letting me know when he didn't have a whatsapp connection, telling me how much he was looking forward to seeing me, lots of xxx in his texts. And now nothing! I don't understand what's gone wrong. Has he just got bored of me or is he genuinely too busy?
And people always say, oh there's someone better out there but I haven't met someone I've been really attracted to for over 2 years, and I've been on a lot of internet dates! He was intelligent, interesting, fun, warm,made me laugh,physically attractive, happy and single. I'm lonely as I left London where I lived for years to move back to a much smaller, economically deprived town to c care for my dad who has dementia. I don't know many people here and the culture is very different from London, there's not much to do and its been hard to meet people I have much in common with. I am on my own a lot and being with him made me happy.
It's easy sending text messages saying all kinds of shit. Actions speak louder than words (or emoticons).
He's really not very into you. It actually sounds as though he has dumped you already, but is either afraid that you will make a nuisance of yourself if he's blatant about dumping you, or he likes the idea of having you sort of at the back of the cupboard for those nights when he fancies a shag but can't be arsed to go on the pull.
I think your best bet would be to find some sort of hobby club or group to join so that you get some adult company - I appreicate that it's miserable to be lonely, but it's not a good idea to pursue sexual/romantic relationships with tossers - making friends is better for the moment.
"Don't trust him" kind of leapt out at me!
Also the hotel thing. That must have left you feeling horrible – think about how a nice caring person would have dealt with that. It does sound as if it's all about him and what he wants, and if you don't do what he wants, or aren't convenient to him at any particular time, he's not interested. Charming and funny don't make up for that.
I don't know if there's anyone better out there for you (seems kinda likely though!) but at least if it's over with him, you're free to find out. Don't cling to someone who treats you badly for fear of being alone.
"Sorry this isn't working out for me, it was nice knowing you but I've decided it's not for me. Bye."
You've only been seeing him for max 3 months. Honestly, it shouldn't be this hard at 3 months.
There's only one relevant thing here - you don't trust him. Bin.
Agree with SGB there - can you volunteer, join an activity or hobby group, get involved in some kind of work? I know that may not be straightforward with your dad to care for, but you need to address the loneliness if possible.
Sounds like he's still married by the list you have written.
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