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can I lean on you while I bin this one please

(19 Posts)
strawberryscone Mon 29-Jun-15 15:12:25

have nc for this. Been seeing someone 4 months and last week was told (by friend) he's on a paid dating website shock We'd met in rl and had exclusive chat so no excuses. Needless to say he was mega apologetic, wants to be with me, never met anyone from it, just looking hmm etc. Not seen him since but we have spoken.
My exh cheated on me and I don't want to be with this kind of a bloke again, but for whatever reason (really got on well with him, intense physical attraction) the actual reality of finally dumping him is harder than I would think. It's not that I mind being on my own, (and have been for a long time) just that there seems to be a gap between what I know I need to do and what I want to do. Mind you I don't like dumping people anyway in fact I hate it! So can I just have a hand hold/words of encouragement please, as little rl support. Thanks

CookieLady Mon 29-Jun-15 15:14:44

My lovely, you know you're doing the right thing and you know you'll be fine. [unmumsnetty hug]

TheStoic Mon 29-Jun-15 15:26:07

there seems to be a gap between what I know I need to do and what I want to do

That's a good way of putting it. :-)

Just try not 'doing' anything. Don't make any decisions, don't have any conversations. Just get on with your day. If/when he contacts you, delete it, and keep getting on with your day. He knows he stuffed up, you don't owe him anything at all.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 29-Jun-15 15:30:56

Have you told him it's over yet, or do you need a nudge to do that? The very fact that he was 'just looking' when he's supposed to be an 'exclusive' BF (he didn't have to agree to be exclusive, after all...) just 4 months in, is a deal breaker. Tell him so, then as PP said - block, delete, ignore. He's not the one for you.

strawberryscone Mon 29-Jun-15 17:48:01

walkacrossthesand no I need the nudge. I tried to say straight away but he was so persuasive I just left it as a don't know blush
thestoic thanks yes perhaps I should just do nothing at all. If he rings then I might need to just say once it's over. I think he will just go away anyway and not try to change my mind.
cookielady thankyou
I really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply, it really helps

PushingThru Mon 29-Jun-15 17:52:27

I'm like you. I hate ending relationships too, even when it's absolutely right to do so & it's just been a few months. Just keep reminding yourself of why you have boundaries, the importance of enforcing them & how you'll feel better soon. X

strawberryscone Mon 29-Jun-15 18:26:38

Thanks pushingthru it has taken a long time to understand about boundaries and the importance of putting myself first etc and it doesn't come easy still. It's the friendship part as well - I do actually like him and think he was just a bit stupid, although I do tend to see the good in people. I've had to learn that actions speak louder than words and if he was looking on a dating site then he's keeping his options open. Which would be different if we had discussed/agreed on that. I had some doubts anyway and know it's for the best but it would be far easier in the short term just to carry on seeing him

pocketsaviour Mon 29-Jun-15 18:48:55

Lean away.

If it was a free site I might say maybe he forgot to delete his profile. But nobody forgets to cancel a paid membership that they're not using.

Are you reluctant to finally pull the plug because you think he'll give it the persuasion treatment again and leave you not knowing your own mind?

strawberryscone Mon 29-Jun-15 18:59:17

thanks pocketsaviour - not only that but when I looked on the site to check he had actually been on it that day! I do think he will try to give me the persuasion treatment again yes. I do find it really hard to stand firm in the face of this, especially as I do like him, fancy him a lot and am on my own. I think one complication is I wonder what I'm looking for because it's been a long time just me and the dcs and I don't think in the next few years I'd want to disrupt our family unit by having too serious of a relationship. But, I wouldn't mind a nice man to go out with sometimes and perhaps have a nice relationship but not live together. But this one does not make me feel valued so that's worse than being on my own although the sex is nice

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 29-Jun-15 19:41:23

"this one does not make me feel valued so that's worse than being on my own"
Hold that thought!

Could you maybe just text him to know that he's checked, and block is number immediately afterwards so that he has no opportunity to try persuading you?

Atenco Mon 29-Jun-15 19:51:20

I so admire you OP. To my mind only one in four women have the strength of character to get out of a relationship when they start to see the red flags. I didn't have that strength of character and neither does my dd, unfortunately. You are saving yourself all kinds of grief, but it is hard at the moment.

strawberryscone Mon 29-Jun-15 20:32:16

Thanks whereyouleftit and atenco ; the support on this thread has meant a lot to me and I will look at it if I'm feeling weak wink
I've deleted his number now. If he contacts me again I'll just say it's over now, perhaps by text, I would rather not text if he rings but it's easier as then I can't be persuaded? Anyway, I'll start from now to make the mental adjustment to being officially single and moving on. It's sad but it will hurt now or hurt later and I may as well get it over with as you say atenco

Cynara Mon 29-Jun-15 20:43:23

I've stumbled across your thread and just wanted to echo what atenco said. It takes a lot of strength and conviction to do this, and you're managing it. I admire you and I think you're saving yourself a lot of heartache further down the line. Keep coming back if you need support, and give yourself credit for being a strong and brave woman.

strawberryscone Mon 29-Jun-15 20:53:55

Thank you so much cynara your post bought tears to my eyes, in a good way. It has helped me a lot to post on here, the support is amazing. It's just what I needed as gives me that boost to keep going. It's nice to have the thread to come back to for support too.

magoria Mon 29-Jun-15 20:54:27

Have you had unprotected sex since being exclusive?

You may need an STI check. Sorry sad

Cynara Tue 07-Jul-15 19:09:13

strawberryscone I'm just checking in to say I hope things are going well for you this week and that you're feeling ok.

Hissy Tue 07-Jul-15 22:51:37

You're super brave and strong love, how are you doing?

strawberryscone Wed 08-Jul-15 22:42:17

hi I'm made up that you took the time to ask how I'm doing, thanks.
It is hard but getting a tiny bit easier each day I think although with ups and downs. He hasn't contacted me anyway. I don't want to date anyone else so will take a break but also trying not to get too put off either as one day someone will hopefully think I'm enough for them. I don't feel especially strong and do have second thoughts but nothing thats happened has seemed like he's anywhere near interested enough and thats all I need to know as I do want more than that in a relationship. no point wasting any more time on it I guess. Hard though.

Hissy Thu 09-Jul-15 14:23:27

glad to hear that you are keeping going!

taking a break is a good idea, for sure. You need to process the hurt, and face the truth of who he really was vs who you wanted him to be.

being on a paid dating site is unacceptable if you are exclusive, and it's not a mistake he's forgotten, those sites are expensive.

Be kind to yourself, keep posting whenever you wobble (which you will, it's normal) and remind yourself you deserve better.

because you do.

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