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really need advice

(29 Posts)
maud876 Mon 29-Jun-15 13:13:58

I am 66 and have been married to a verbally abusive man for 44 years. I have 7 children, 2 adopted. I know I should have got out earlier but I had very low self esteem (my parents were physically and verbally abusive, we travelled all around the world with his job so I never had a support network, things were ok sometimes, he made be believe his behaviour was caused by my deliberately provoking him so spent years trying to find the 'right' way to approach him, I could never stand up to him, I thought no one would believe me and knew if I did anything it would lead to a bitter battle that a charming and articulate man like him was sure to win.
He retired 2 years ago and things are so much worse. He has taken total control of the house. The only time he speaks to me is to call me vile abusive names. He says I am trying to control him. His job was his life and all his self esteem.
we have a 9 year old grandson with special needs living with us. He speaks to me in exactly the same way as my husband does, hits and kicks me. He is growing up to be his clone.
And to make things even more difficult I am ill, not at all mobile and unable to go out alone or drive. Basically I have spent most of the last 2 years in my bedroom to keep out of his way. We have seperate rooms. He says I am not a proper woman and have nothing to offer him.
If I leave this house I believe I will never get back in. My grandson would go nowhere with me willing and I am never left alone with him.
I don't have any money.
My other children know about the situation, they lived with it, but am not sure if they believe how bad it is.
I would like to get custody of my grandson and I know they would help and one son would probably move in with me but I don't believe they would be prepared to give evidence against
If I leave this

maud876 Mon 29-Jun-15 13:21:23

Sorry continuing,
Don't believe they would give evidence against their father and I would not pressure them. So I seem to be in the same situation I have always been in. Ideally I would like to stay in this house with my gs as it is his home, very near his school where he gets support and changes are very bad for him.
we recently moved here from another area and it was very difficult for him.
The other option would be to sell the house and share the money but that would be dependent upon my getting custody of my gs and I don't believe that without support anybody would believe me or think me fit to care for him.
I really feelmit's a hopeless situation.

schlong Mon 29-Jun-15 13:27:58

Poor Didn't wanto read and run. More clued up mners will be along to give you some sound legal advice.

maud876 Mon 29-Jun-15 13:31:01

Thank you and sorry for the rubbish typing. Apart from feeling bad after 2 years I have not yet found out how to scroll down on this tablet to correct things.

SomethingOnce Mon 29-Jun-15 13:42:07

Hello, love.

I think you should call Women's Aid to talk this through with a view to getting him out.
0808 2000 247

44 years is a long time to be unhappy - please don't live the rest of your life the same way.

pocketsaviour Mon 29-Jun-15 13:45:44

I agree with PP, please call Womens Aid to talk this through.

Can I ask why you and your husband have your grandson living with you? I mean why he is not with his parents?

SomethingOnce Mon 29-Jun-15 13:45:48

Also, once you have some professional advice, do speak to your DC and at least give them the chance to be in your corner.

schlong Mon 29-Jun-15 13:46:32

Call me stupid (or a schlong) but have you tried telling him you want out? Maybe he'd free you and himself from this living hell. My dm and aunt are in similar situs.

Hoppinggreen Mon 29-Jun-15 13:50:36

Please don't think that nobody will believe what you say - this s is just part of your abusers conditioning. Also, if you want to divorce you don't really need to be believed or have evidence or back up from anyone you can do it without. It would be nice to have the support of your children but if not it's still possible. Could you speak to the son you think might want to live with you?
You are 66 but will hopefully have many years ahead of you, you deserve to spend them being happy and not in fear.
Please speak to Women's aid and possibly a solicitor, the house and everything else is a marital asset and as such it is yours as well as your husbands. Start making plans to leave, find out as much financial info as you can and make copies .

ImperialBlether Mon 29-Jun-15 13:56:11

It's actually easy to get a divorce you know. You don't even have to give reasons.

Whose child is your grandchild and why isn't he living with them?

Are you really the best person to care for your grandchild? It sounds as though he's been in a very toxic family for all of his life and is very disrespectful towards you. Particularly given you are ill, why do you consider yourself to be the best person to care for him? I'm thinking of your life here as much as his.

maud876 Mon 29-Jun-15 14:06:20

Thank you everyone. I have spoken to my dc but so far the response has been, we will support you but won't get involved.
My main concern is, and has to be my gs, and I cannot do anything which may lead to my dh getting custody of him.
His mother is an alcoholic plainly and simply. I don't feel she will ever be able to care for him. His father has never been in the picture.
We adopted her and her twin brother as babies in africa. He is the one who I think would move in as he has already said, several times, that if we had a big enough place he would like to. I really don't think, in fact I know, he wouldn't want to be involved in a professional capacity.
just feel like I'm going round and round in circles here ane there us no answer
I am just feeling like a wreck, physically and emotionally.
I will ring women's aid when I can but will have to wait until my dh goes out, whenever that may be.

Hoppinggreen Mon 29-Jun-15 14:15:16

Why do you think your husband would get custody of your GS? If you are his primary carer with the boys uncle involved as well I think you stand a pretty good chance of getting custody yourself and who would yiu need your son to be involved in a " professional" capacity?
Sorry for all the questions but there are some really knowledgeable people on here who may be able to help if you give them all the info you feel you can without identifying yourself

Twinklestein Mon 29-Jun-15 14:18:55

I totally agree with the suggestions to call Women's Aid.

As regards your grandson, with the best will in the world, would you really be able to cope looking after a SN child alone at 66, when you're ill, unable to go out alone or drive?

You'll be 70 when he starts to hit his teens and he's already turning into a clone of your husband. How will you cope with a SN teen kicking and slapping you? Confrontational behaviour... aggression... meltdowns etc.

Hoping that your adopted son would want to live with you seems a bit of a long shot, won't he want his own wife and family at some point?

maud876 Mon 29-Jun-15 14:31:21

Trying to answer all the questions here.
I know it would not be ideal for me to care for my gs but there is no one else in the family able and willing to do so. I believe with help I could do so. The alternatives, that he goes into care or stays with my dh, I don't find acceptable. If the only options are that I stay here with dh and gs I will do so.
I don't believe his present behaviour would continue if he wasn't in this situation. He is not a bad child just a confused little boy who needs love, support and encouragement. I agree that it would not be possible without the help of my ds but he has always shown great interest and support for gs, is of the same ethnicity be an excellent parent substitute and role model.
My dd who lives nearby is happy to have him at her house to stay over and to pick him up from school.

SomethingOnce Mon 29-Jun-15 14:35:56

I understand how you feel, OP, but witnessing all this will harm your GS. I think you need to face up to that.

Please talk to WA; they will be able to help you understand clearly what is going on, and the effects on both of you.

maud876 Mon 29-Jun-15 14:48:59

My ds wants to have an input into the care of gs. He has always said that he wants him to live with him when he is older. I asked about future partners and he said gs is non negotionable.
When we moved here he offered to take out a mortgage so we could get a bigger house where he could also live. I said he shouldn't as it would tie him down too much.
dd who lives near has also said that if we are ever unable to care for gs he could live with them. It would be too difficult at the moment as they have young children and both full time jobs.
I am not my gs's primary carer. I used to be but since my dh retired I have been excluded frkm everything. Childcare, shopping, cooking. He had a job where he was in control so has taken over here instead. Because I was sometimes unwell it was made easy for him to do so.
But I am not incapable. I could do a lot more than I actually do and if I can't walk far there are always mobility scooters. Much as I hate the idea dyeing my hair purple might soften the blow.
So no it's not ideal but I would rather live in just about any situation without
So I'm not looking at forever. Maybe the next 4 or 5 years.

maud876 Mon 29-Jun-15 14:56:01

Try again.
My ds is a social worker. He has just started to work for local ss after returning to uni. He still doesn't have a permanent job, although I know they want to give him one, and if he feels he dies not want his family involved with his work that is his decision.
I trust him implicitly. If he says he will do something he will do it. He cares very deeply for our gs.

butterflygirl15 Mon 29-Jun-15 15:04:26

I agree with everyone else. WA and also call a local solicitor - free half hour advice. And as there is abuse involved then you will get legal aid too. You can be free of this man.

onlyif Mon 29-Jun-15 15:08:12

It sounds like you have had the carer roll for a very long time, maybe its time for you now. It wouldn't mean that you wouldn't be able to see your gs if he wasn't living with you. You could do the fun stuff.

maud876 Mon 29-Jun-15 15:34:25

Yes these are options, in order with preference
Gs to stay with me and hopefully my ds and get help from dd
Gs to stay here with me and dh
Gs to stay with dh
Gs to go into care
Wasn't sure about the last 2 but decided going into care would be worse as it would totally destroy him and cut him off from his family.
To me it's increasingly looking like option 2.

Twinklestein Mon 29-Jun-15 15:53:16

Have you looked into foster care where you could be involved with him?

It may not be permanent, just until you have managed to get away from your husband, and your ds a permanent job.

maud876 Mon 29-Jun-15 17:13:51

Foster care would destroy him. I could not do that or do anything that may cause him to happen.
if my children don't feel they can support me I will stay here and try to engage with my gs as much as possible.
If I only speak to my husband when absolutely necessary and take great care not to say anything that he could possibly interpet as provocative or trying to cause trouble, keep out of his way, plus never ask or expect him to do anything for me, the atmosphere will be less stressful and thus better for my gs.

SomethingOnce Mon 29-Jun-15 17:33:09

You've just said that you walk on eggshells around your husband. Forgive me for repeating myself, but that is an unhealthy atmosphere for a child.

pocketsaviour Mon 29-Jun-15 20:01:08

Is there already a residence order for your grandson? Have social services been involved in removing him from his mum, do you both have legal guardianship?

maud876 Mon 29-Jun-15 20:04:54

Yes but he is very, very insecure. I have no idea of all that happened in the first year of his life but certainly he was left alone all night, certainly he was left with people he didn't know for several days.
Have been in contact with ds who says he will be able to have gs to live with him in around 2 years. Obviously that will cause a big, nasty battle but believe it would be a perfect solution. I know my dh will not let go without a fight but if ds is prepared for it I will support him totally.
The next 2 years I don't know. Dd says he can spend a lot of time at her house. They was there all w/e and is there now. Ds says he will spend as much time with him as he possibly can.
so maybe that is a solution and the best one for now.
Interestingly although dh says I cause all the stress he is noticably less sressed when gs isn't around, so maybe if I can arrange for gs to be with other family members as much as possible, and there are also 2 other daughters not too far away where he could also stay sometimes it might work for now.
I think it really just needs time for us to think about things.
Thank you everyone. This has been so helpful.

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