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Aibu about this...

(62 Posts)
Ifyoubuildit Mon 29-Jun-15 11:13:44

I have just discovered that my DH meets up with a female work colleague every other day(ish) to walk into the office together.

They don't work directly together but he claims that he needs her insight (she is more senior). This has been going on for a while and I haven't been aware of it even though we commute to the station where he meets her together every day.

He claims it's just a work thing but I think he's hidden it from me and I feel like a mug, even if it is entirely innocent.

Am I being silly?

ShortandSweeter Mon 29-Jun-15 11:18:42

How did you discover it?

Ifyoubuildit Mon 29-Jun-15 11:20:54

I saw him texting her and then asked and he told me

DrMorbius Mon 29-Jun-15 11:25:04

Are you concerned because his colleague is a woman or because he walks to work with someone?

TheCowThatLaughs Mon 29-Jun-15 11:51:55

I'd think it was odd that he hadn't mentioned it, definitely. Unless you've got a history of accusing him of having affairs all the time?

AlpacaMyBags Mon 29-Jun-15 11:55:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missqwerty Mon 29-Jun-15 11:58:52

I can see why your concerned but it's probably just harmless. If you have a history of been mistrusting that could be why he never mentioned it.

Cabrinha Mon 29-Jun-15 12:05:46

Every woman who has ever posted on here about having a history of mistrusting seems to have had a damn good reason to be mistrusting.

I work away a lot and always try to coordinate hotels with the same make colleague who I don't fancy in the slightest but get on well with. I wouldn't tell my partner.

You need to think about WHY you're uneasy about this. If you can work that out, it will probably be more than them meeting, or you not knowing.

It'll be coupled with other changes in his behaviour, or other dissatisfaction in your relationship, I expect.

MerryMarigold Mon 29-Jun-15 12:08:36

If I were you, I would tell hi you trust him, but you'd like to know if he's starting to develop any feelings for her as this can happen (not saying it will) and that you would like to feel free to ask him that question every so often. It's just about remaining open with each other. Tbh, I don't think my dh would do this, as the risk of an emotional affair starting is considerable if they are spending a lot of time chatting (how long is the walk to work?), but you can't really tell him not to.

FredaMayor Mon 29-Jun-15 12:08:47

OP, if your DH hid it from you then that naturally makes you wonder why. Until he is entirely candid with you, you don't know whether or not it is innocent and you don't know how to react. Trust works both ways in a relationship, surely?

Ifyoubuildit Mon 29-Jun-15 12:26:14

Thanks. He's been friendly with her for a while and I've never thought anything of it. It's just there was something about him hiding it as he apparently meets her at the station where we both get off the train. It's the not telling me that's bothering me, he tells me about everything he's done at work. It's a 20 min walk btw.

Maybe I am being mistrusting and I should just ignore it but at best I feel managed and at worst I feel he's hiding something.

Norest Mon 29-Jun-15 12:31:23

Are you sure he was hiding it though? Maybe it just didn't register to say anything? He isn't like scurrying off after he gets off the train and waits for you to leave so he can meet up is he?

And when you saw the text he told you straight away. So is he really hiding it do you think?

I don't think it would occur to me to say I meet some work guy at the station to chat about work and pick his brains / network / get a bit of mentoring or whatever else to my partner.

Does he hide things as a matter of course? Do you have any other reason to feel he is the type to hide things from you?

ImperialBlether Mon 29-Jun-15 12:55:48

What happens normally? Do you get both get off at that station and then go your separate ways? Does her train arrive at that station, too? Does he appear to be walking off to his office when you leave him?

ImperialBlether Mon 29-Jun-15 12:56:33

Does he ever share any of this insight he's gleaned with you?

Ifyoubuildit Mon 29-Jun-15 12:58:40

Yes, we usually go our separate ways as I commute on via different transport.

I think I should just forget it, I'm clearly being paranoid, I don't know why.

He's been friendly with her for years and I've never had a problem with it.

RedKite1985 Mon 29-Jun-15 13:00:23

Hmm

Not sure about this one.

If they are taking the same route anyway then it would be very strange and rude for him to walk ten steps behind and make out he doesn't know her. Maybe he knew you would be uneasy about it which is why he didn't tell you or maybe its such a non issue for him that he didn't think he had to.

Any previous form or reason not to trust him? Does he leave his phone out?

SylvaniansAtEase Mon 29-Jun-15 13:03:27

I'd cut right through the crap and tell him you need a believable answer as to why he deliberately didn't tell you about their meetings.

Because that's what's happened. You know it, he knows it, he knows you know it, etc.

You don't tell your partner everything about your day, and omit to mention something like this, especially as it's an ongoing arrangement. Him not telling you was deliberate, and for him to try any sort of pantomime to convince you it wasn't is just insulting. Shoot it down straight away and move right past - the thing to get at is WHY.

Because he thinks you wouldn't like it? - not good, it's ok to simply lie to your partner if you're doing something you think they wouldn't like?
Because he fancies her?
Because although he doesn't fancy her, he thinks you might think he does?
Because of some other reason?

It's not an option for him to mumble it off, or get angry, and refuse to discuss. Not an option at all. Look him in the eye and tell him straight up - unless you're up for a marriage of anger, of no trust, where it all gradually falls apart - you level with me, as someone you love and respect.

PeppermintPasty Mon 29-Jun-15 13:05:54

What's your general relationship with him like? Have you any historical reasons to mistrust him?

SylvaniansAtEase Mon 29-Jun-15 13:06:02

You have it with the 'feeling managed', by the way.

I wouldn't have a problem at all with my DH having a planned walk to work with anyone.

I would have a BIG problem with him 'omitting' to mention it - especially as I wouldn't have a problem in the first place. It's patronising, managing, manipulating. 'Ooh, better not tell the wifey, hurr hurr, she might not like it...' - Um, don't you dare make me that kind of person. I'm not up for that kind of marriage with that kind of arsehole.

MerryMarigold Mon 29-Jun-15 13:06:06

The thing which makes me a bit uncomfortable is the text, I assume arranging a meeting place, as that isn't a forced 'walking 10 steps behind'. But if they have been friends for years and it hasn't gone anywhere, then I guess it's not likely to. I just think, as a married man, you don't put yourself in a vulnerable position like that, where it is easy for feelings to develop from quite a bit of time spent together and mutual respect.

FelicityGubbins Mon 29-Jun-15 13:09:20

I agree with sylvanians, lying by ommision isn't acceptable in a marriage and it needs to be addressed.

Therein2tics Mon 29-Jun-15 13:09:41

I also think it is a bit strange he hasn't mentioned it. If he talks about work things and you set off together to work it would make sense that it would come up in conversation. How long have they been organising to meet to walk to work?

Walking to work with a male or female colleague - fine
Asking for their work opinion - fine

ImperialBlether Mon 29-Jun-15 13:10:49

What would concern me is that not once has he said, "Goodbye, I'll wait here for X so I can chat to her about Y."

Ifyoubuildit Mon 29-Jun-15 13:15:18

That's my issue, I don't mind him meeting her I just don't get why he hasn't mentioned it.

pocketsaviour Mon 29-Jun-15 13:22:46

If they are taking the same route anyway then it would be very strange and rude for him to walk ten steps behind and make out he doesn't know her.

LOL. I have a colleague who usually catches the same bus as me and he does exactly that, and it's SO RUDE AND ANNOYING. I don't mind him walking off at his own pace (I walk slowly and sometimes use a cane) but he always pretends to be looking at his phone when I arrive at the bus stop and doesn't respond to my "Hello!" and smile. Rude twonk.

Back to you OP - if you don't have any other concerns, and he hasn't suddenly developed "mentionitis" about her, or changed his attitude in any way to you, I wouldn't worry.

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