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stuck in the middle with DP and his family...

(8 Posts)
rojtoi Mon 29-Jun-15 11:03:41

DP is divorced, doesn't really speak to his ex wife, as the divorce was pretty acrimonious. She put all the blame for their failed marriage on him and played the poor me card to everyone. He feels it was more joint, and is still quite bitter that she won't accept she was anything less than 100pc in the right, and about their marriage ending mainly because he (and his family) are quite religious and believe marriage is for life and children should grow up with married parents.

His parents and siblings are still in regular contact with his ex wife (he has no contact with any of her family), which he's unhappy about, especially because she still plays the same poor me card and shit stirs constantly. The longer we've been together I've started to get drawn into this, with the family all basically saying to me that DP should turn the other cheek (or whatever, I'm not religious but it's something like that) and basically hold out the olive branch to her. I've tried to keep out of it, and so far just said I think DP is happy with how things are. But I am going to get to a point where I say well why is it just up to him...which I suspect won't go down well.

Bloody facebook is the other issue because they're all still friends with her. This all grates on DP, because she always was really rude about them all behind their back, yet now he feels they all make more effort with her than they do with him. Yet they all keep encouraging him to make peace, which I don't think will benefit anyone other than her having got her own way again. I'm just not sure if I'm dealing with them correctly as I'm reluctant to be put in a position where every time he's not in the room they're having a word with me about it.

mojo17 Mon 29-Jun-15 11:06:39

I think you should keep out of it just support your dp to tell his family how hurt they are making him
He needs to tell that he realises They want to be all Christian about it but really they need to support him more

rojtoi Mon 29-Jun-15 11:20:10

He's had that conversation previously with his family, he said to them that he was upset they were still talking to her constantly and on Facebook, and they just said they didn't want to take sides sad

pocketsaviour Mon 29-Jun-15 11:23:51

^ the family all basically saying to me that DP should turn the other cheek ... and basically hold out the olive branch to her.^

Do they have children? If so I can understand why the family would want it to be amicable, and I can understand his parents and siblings wanting to remain in touch with her and the children.

If they don't have DCs then it sounds really weird and makes me wonder if your partner was made the family scapegoat as a child?

rojtoi Mon 29-Jun-15 11:39:31

There is one DC, but DP sees him regularly, so is quite capable of updating his parents and siblings as to how he is, without them needing to go to the ex all the time.

His siblings are treated as children (despite being well into their 30s) whereas a lot more is expected of DP (and apparently always has been) so yes maybe he is the family scapegoat.

zipzap Mon 29-Jun-15 11:59:02

I'd turn the 'being christian' bit around on them and say that you don't think their behaviour is being very christian towards dh - claiming to be christian but not up to being christian in behaviour towards their own son. staggering.

rojtoi Mon 29-Jun-15 14:16:19

I think in their minds everyone being friends is the ideal outcome.

But that completely ignores how DP feels.

Miggsie Mon 29-Jun-15 14:25:01

Sounds like the ex and DP's family are determined to pick on him and make out it's all his fault - they may all be bullies who have found a good communal target.

As his family totally disregard his feelings your DH might consider dropping the level of contact with his family as they clearly do not have his best interests at heart.

And stop looking at Facebook, he doesn't need constant reminders that crap and selfish people are being selfish and crap.

If the family keep going on at you, simply tell them you are not in the habit of asking your DH to do things that make him unhappy and they shouldn't either.

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