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I can't work out how I feel about this friendship

(28 Posts)
bodenbiscuit Mon 29-Jun-15 10:55:08

I've had a male friend for about 10 years. During that time we've both been in and out of various relationships. He's a really close friend in that I speak to him on the phone probably more than anyone else and he gives me a lot of advice and he knows really private things about me that nobody else does. I don't see him in person a lot though because he lives in a different area.

I've always thought we're just friends although some years ago he tried to kiss me and then pulled away. For some reason he brought it up years later saying that he pulled away because he didn't want to ruin the friendship we have. He has sent me text messages that seem to suggest he has some other feelings for me but I tend to ignore them because I don't really know how to deal with it.

Then last weekend I went to stay at his house. I always feel comfortable with him but I could sense there was some kind of unspoken tension and before I went to bed he kissed me on the mouth. Since then I have been thinking about him more and wondering if I have feelings for him I haven't acknowledged.

I think that apart from my children he probably cares more about me than anyone else. I'm not really sure whether I need to figure out my feelings. Or whether I should mention it.

I suppose this sort of thing is common between men and women?

bodenbiscuit Mon 29-Jun-15 10:59:58

Sorry what I meant to say is. Is it best to ignore feelings so as not to ruin the friendship? I am sure I'm not alone with this situation.

Thenapoleonofcrime Mon 29-Jun-15 12:02:11

It sounds like this might be the start of something. Surely you don't kiss your other friends on the mouth. I think in this situation you haven't got that much to lose, because both of you do seem to want something more perhaps, him certainly. That can't really be undone and hopefully it will lead to something good anyway.

As for figuring out your feelings, you get on extremely well so that is taken care of to some extent, but I guess the question is about chemistry. How did you feel when he kissed you? That is going to be the key to whether you can take it further.

Cabrinha Mon 29-Jun-15 12:08:50

Ignoring his feelings could ruin your friendship.
You need to work out whether you're prepared to give it a go, and tell him either way.
It's not fair on either of you. He shouldn't be kissing you on the mouth if you don't want him to. If he keeps doing it periodically it'll over shadow your friendship anyway.

pinkfrocks Mon 29-Jun-15 12:14:25

You seem to be a bit naive in some ways. Staying overnight with a guy who clearly has the hots for you- but is hanging back as he doesn't want to ruin the friendship if you reject him- is a bit silly. The writing is on the wall- just read it!

True platonic friendship is a very rare animal. Usually one person wants more even if they don't say so- or keeps it under wraps for as long as they can.

This needs to be brought out in the open. First, decide if you want to be in a relationship with him, and then say you need to talk- and say what you want and find out what he wants.

If you don't want him other than as a friend, he will be disappointed, but it needs discussing. Now it's the elephant in th e room.

JulyKit Mon 29-Jun-15 12:16:14

What Cabrinha said. Exactly.

Please don't ignore his feelings and how he's communicating them. That wouldn't be fair on him or you.

If you want to have any sort of good, ongoing relationship with him - or even if you decide that you don't, but you want to treat him with respect and kindness - then you really should acknowledge and address his feelings, and yours, properly.

PushingThru Mon 29-Jun-15 12:18:05

It sounds to me like the spark of desire for him just isn't there for you.

Duckdeamon Mon 29-Jun-15 12:18:12

do you / could you fancy him? Is he good "boyfriend material"?

If the answer is no and / or no it might be best to make clear that you just want to be friends, and set some boundaries, eg less contact and no overnight stays! If though you do fancy him and he's a decent guy and decent to women, might be worth seeing what happens!

QuintShhhhhh Mon 29-Jun-15 12:20:59

Surely you would know the moment he kissed you if there was an attraction there?

If you were interested, his kiss would hit you like mild punch in you know where.

bodenbiscuit Mon 29-Jun-15 16:17:08

I did feel a spark when he kissed me but he's never said to me explicitly that he wants more than friendship. I am afraid to talk about it for some reason.

bodenbiscuit Mon 29-Jun-15 16:36:49

How should I address it? I am not 100% sure he would want more anyway.

bodenbiscuit Mon 29-Jun-15 18:16:04

It looks as though you all think it's obvious he has feelings but I feel if I bring it up he won't want to discuss it.

I think that you are correct that truly platonic relationships are rare. I never used to think so but perhaps I was kidding myself.

JulyKit Mon 29-Jun-15 18:34:25

How should I address it? I am not 100% sure he would want more anyway.

Well it sounds as if you have some good feelings for him, so why not just go with the flow a bit and follow your feelings? smile

Wishful80sMontage Mon 29-Jun-15 18:43:52

I think it all depends on what you want as to what your next move should be.
He wants more that's clear but do you?

Duckdeamon Mon 29-Jun-15 19:44:31

You could just ask him why he kissed you.

Are you concerned that he won't want a relationship (rather than just sex!) or that he will and you might not?

bodenbiscuit Mon 29-Jun-15 20:50:37

I don't know. He knows more intimate things about me than anyone else. I'm not sure how to handle it.

JulyKit Mon 29-Jun-15 20:54:44

He knows more intimate things about me than anyone else.

You keep saying that. It must be something that stirs up a great deal of feeling for you. How does it make you feel?

It seems that you need to give some thought and space to your feelings about that.

eddielizzard Mon 29-Jun-15 20:57:20

'He has sent me text messages that seem to suggest he has some other feelings for me'. sounds to me like you're not absolutely sure. why don't you try picking up on one of those messages? be a bit flirty? if you like him that is...

bodenbiscuit Tue 30-Jun-15 11:57:24

Well I suppose what I mean is that he knows about all my relationships. I prefer his company to most people I know, certainly. And he's one of the very few people in my life who understands me.

bodenbiscuit Tue 30-Jun-15 11:57:53

Thanks for your replies - they have helped me to gain some perspective.

derxa Tue 30-Jun-15 18:38:24

omg what are you waiting for?

bodenbiscuit Tue 30-Jun-15 19:10:05

Well one other problem is that he's been seeing someone the last few weeks. It's not a relationship yet but I would not want to cause any problem or confuse him by making us air the issue.

It's just that after the last time I was with him I can't any longer feel that the friendship is completely platonic. Clearly it isn't.

Duckdeamon Wed 01-Jul-15 19:22:22

His personal situation is his problem to handle (did he kiss you while seeing the other person?!): you would not be in any way unreasonable to talk to him about his actions, mixed messages and what's going on in your friendship/potential relationship.

bodenbiscuit Wed 01-Jul-15 22:34:55

Yes he did kiss me while seeing this other person.

bodenbiscuit Sat 18-Jul-15 06:44:34

Well, eventually we ended up talking about it. He admitted he likes me more than just a friend. He said that we would have to promise not to let it affect our friendship but I feel worried because I think if it went wrong the friendship would never be the same. Or maybe we wouldn't be friends at all.

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