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the aftermath(5 Posts)
I left my abusive NARC ex nearly one year ago. And I did extremely well ever since. But he was still in my life controlling, ruling over my life, my emotion. I am now free finally. He moved onto an other prey. And I am free. I have had a few days of confusion, focusing on my son's and how it will all affect him, but feeling finally free. I was, I am so happy, relieved. But then something changed. So all of the sudden all memories come back. It's like I am a volcano on the verge of eruption, everything is coming up to the surface, bubbling, steaming. Memories of my life with him, before him. It is like if all of the sudden my brain switched on after a long time off. It's overwhelming, I am scared and in shock. All the pain that I didn't want to feel, every disappointment every hurt.
I can't sleep. I started to cry without reason. I cry for me, for whom I was, for what happened to that girl. I mourn my love, the man I met and never existed. I feel sorry for the girl I was, for the was she was treated. I can believe it all has really happened. I can't believe I am still standing. I can't believe I even managed to be happy at times. To believe that it would have gotten better somehow. It feels like the life of somebody else. I blocked everything out for so long that I struggle to believe that those memories really belong to me. But by letting them free to the surface, I got back all my past. A friend posted a pic taken 13 years ago, I looked at that girl, her smile. I looked at the pics taken over the years, scared of the wrinkle between my eyes that now it's the only sign of what I have been through. The scar of all the disappointment and sadness I felt day after day. I don't know anymore who I am. If I am the girl I was, the one I have become with him or somebody else altogether. I am more than the sum of all of them, but less than every single person I have been. I am not strong anymore, cause I let the pain flow through me. I surrendered to it. I know now it's the time to feel. It's the time to process. It's overwhelming and painful, I don't know how long it's gonna take and I'm scared. I'm not used to it anymore. I look forward the future. But I just would like to be done with the present now. 5 and a half years of repressed pain are now a opened wound and I feel them all. I feel, I feel, I feel. I remember every single bit of it. And I can't believe it it all has happened to me. I have been tortured, mentally and emotionally. I have been threatened, humiliated, trapped. Hurt, repeatedly hurt. And now, all of the sudden it is all back.
I don't know why I am writing it here. I know I need to tell, somebody, anybody. Somehow I even feel guilty for the new woman in his life, cause I know the truth, I know who he really is and I swear, I don't wish to anybody to fall in the same trap I was in. But I am just a coward, her future pain is my future freedom. I wish there was an other way. I wish he could change for her, with her. I wish to think that I was the wrong one and I brought it all to myself.
But deep down I know now that I only was a victim. I didn't accept it for a very long time. Now I do.
I think I just need to share this with others who can understand, who can tell me how to deal with these feelings, cause I am not prepared at all.
But I think I am just healing, and it is so incredibly difficult.
I couldn't just read & leave...... so just believe, "I hear you".
You are stronger than this, you will heal.
I think now you are free it is safe for you to feel the anger and you going through this now is all part of the process of you dealing with it.
You most certainly are not a coward. Even if you told his new woman she wouldn't be like to listen or believe you.
Your message could well hv been my life . I felt exactly the same as you , it took two solid years of counselling and nine yrs of being alone to be happy . We too are free but it takes longer to free yrself emotionally, these men will never ever know what harm they did to us. Most importantly learn from this teach yr children how to respect people and when to leave those who don't respect them x
I really feel for you. I had a similar experience and it was a while before it really hit me. When it did it was traumatic and I had symptoms of ptsd. As someone else suggested I think I finally felt safe enough to start processing it. I rang women's aid and got a referral to a local centre which was a turning point for me.
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