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Nothing wrong in doing this apparently

(62 Posts)
abitbemused Sun 28-Jun-15 18:52:47

Dh has a very close male friend who he has referred to as his 'soul mate and best friend' hmm This guy often calls him early in the morning e.g 8.15 on a Sunday and I get annoyed that the whole house is woken up while dh chats loudly. He may also call several times in a day and the chats are usually long, even if they have seen each other that same day.

Dh and I are not getting on, partly due to his time spent on hobbies which the guy is also involved with and also seemingly prioritising his friend over his family.Dh is always very defensive if I say anything negative about his friend and says that I am 'jealous' because I have no close friends. Dh often goes out into the garage or another room when he calls so I can't hear what they are saying.

They have already spoken this afternoon and he just called again. Dh has now gone out and said he was going for a drive.I asked where to,expecting him to be meeting up with his mate, but he said he was going out to talk to him. I said that it was a bit odd to go for a drive to speak rather than staying at home and doing it. Dh said that I was being ridiculous and there was nothing wrong in doing that - I disagree. What would you think?

IAmAShitHotLawyer Sun 28-Jun-15 18:54:51

I'd think that my DH was gay.

Hassled Sun 28-Jun-15 18:55:20

Well there's nothing "wrong" as such - but it is pretty fucking weird. I have a very good friend who is the closest I can think of as a "soul mate and best friend" - but we're happy with some texts in the week and a weekly cup of tea. What do they talk about?

abitbemused Sun 28-Jun-15 19:02:25

A couple of people that I've spoken about this 'friendship' with have asked if they're gay funnily enough. The friend is married too though.

I'm glad I'm not the only one to find this weird. They usually talk about their hobby group or anything really. Dh cut his phone tariff and switched to paperless statements when I queried a large bill once.

FenellaFellorick Sun 28-Jun-15 19:02:44

I'd think they were having an affair.
Soul mate? Constantly on the phone? Lots of time together? Taking calls in another room? If this person was a woman or your husband was gay or bi, at the very least it would clearly be an emotional affair.
It's a bit odd for someone to refer to a pal as their soulmate.

SurlyCue Sun 28-Jun-15 19:03:06

Oh i have a friend who has some sort of strange need to call several times a day, early in the morning when im geting ready for work! Late at night and all hours in between. Even if i saw her 10 minutes ago. She does it with other friends too. Quite honestly it is a pain in the arse, ive started ignoring the phone when it rings. Clearly some people just need to be constantly talking to people. Could your DH/his friend just be that type?

Wideopenspace Sun 28-Jun-15 19:05:26

If it was a woman, what would you think OP?

abitbemused Sun 28-Jun-15 19:12:07

He has since denied that he had referred to him a soul mate but it was definitely said. I have suggested that their relationship is a bit like an emotional affair but was told not to be so pathetic. The other guy even sulked and didn't speak to him for 2 weeks once when dh got quite friendly with someone else one time. I think this friend is a bit controlling but dh will have nothing said against him.

abitbemused Sun 28-Jun-15 19:15:30

If it was a woman I would definitely say there was an affair going on, especially as the secrecy seems to be increasing now. The friend was very over invested in the life of a former friend who sadly passed away. I told dh that he would probably be the replacement and this is what seems to have happened.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 28-Jun-15 19:19:56

Well, if I needed to talk to a friend in that way, it would be because my relationship was in crisis, or I was, and I needed a confidante.

NRomanoff Sun 28-Jun-15 19:21:33

I have 2 male friends like this. Except neither can hold a relationship with a woman together. These men also own a business together.

They can't have a long term relationship because the other always sulks. Not gay, but may well as be married. They holiday together, do supermarket shopping together, even book in at the barbers together. They are great guys, but it's a weird relationship.

I wouldn't be happy with this op and would be wondering about an affair

spottybottycream Sun 28-Jun-15 20:16:06

Yes, I would wonder if he was gay too. Sorry OP

viva100 Sun 28-Jun-15 20:24:04

Maybe he's not gay (that was my first thought too) but maybe he's just very unhappy in your marriage and his family life in general. I'd be pissed off that he's spending so much precious free time and money on this friend. I would suggest having a serious conversation on how he feels about your relationship and to try counselling. It's very very weird for 2 friends to be in such constant contact.

abitbemused Sun 28-Jun-15 20:26:21

The marriage was fine until he came along -now it feels like 3 people in the marriage now.

Polpo Sun 28-Jun-15 20:27:22

Just because it's not sexual doesn't mean it's not an emotional affair.

He's spending all his time, attention and emotional energy on someone else. He has more intimacy with this friend than he does with you. And he's secretive.

They might as well be having sex for all the damage his behaviour is doing to the marriage.

And yes, I also think he's gay.

TurnipCake Sun 28-Jun-15 20:30:17

Gay certainly springs to mind.

I would be very suspicious at what you've told us, OP.

Thenapoleonofcrime Sun 28-Jun-15 20:30:55

He might not have sexual feelings for this guy (he might of course) but he is in love with him in the most general sense- he's the most important person in his life, he defines himself through his interaction with him and he's prepared to put him first all the time. His friend behaves as if this is a romantic relationship too, and is jealous of rivals as well as demanding his attention many times a day. It is a complete emotional affair in every sense of the word and a separate relationship to the one he has with you.

I have to say I wouldn't last one day putting up with this behaviour, because when my husband is with us as a family, that's his priority. Friends are for spare evenings, the odd phonecall or text, a bit of relaxation, not an integral part of every single day. I wouldn't want him to be on the phone many times a day to anyone, his mother, a male or female friend, or anyone, it's bizarre and not the norm at all. As for hiding his phonecalls, his intentions when visiting a friend, again, it's because he's having an affair even if it isn't sexual (and who is to say it is not?)

Can you talk with a friend/family about the situation? Do others think it's odd? I really couldn't live with this at all, and I'm big on having friends and hobbies and enjoying life outside your relationship, but this is not your typical friend/hobby situation.

forumdonkey Sun 28-Jun-15 20:36:53

Do you know its his best friend who he is speaking to and meeting. Just a thought as he has gone to paperless bills, you don't hear all conversations and he needs to go and see him rather than phone??

abitbemused Sun 28-Jun-15 20:55:27

I'm sure it's definitely him that he's speaking to.Yes, those that I have mentioned it to think it's a bit odd. He has to drop everything when the mate calls, never says that he's too busy and he'll call back later. I tell him that his priorities are in the wrong order but he can't see it. I suggested that he moves out and goes and lives with him but he won't do that. They have now bought a tent together so they can go on weekends away with their group and not have to share a large communal tent.

FenellaFellorick Sun 28-Jun-15 21:02:57

crikey. What's wrong with a large communal tent? Not private enough?

Have you spoken to this other guy's wife? Do you know if she thinks it's weird too?

abitbemused Sun 28-Jun-15 21:09:36

I don't know the wife. She might not know about all the phone calls as he apparently calls at times such as when he's walking the dog, hence the early morning ones.

FenellaFellorick Sun 28-Jun-15 21:12:59

He calls when he's out walking the dog?

If this was a woman there is no way on earth you wouldn't know it's an affair.

It has everything about an affair. Emotional closeness, lying, hiding, anger, defensiveness, everything.

Maybe you should introduce yourself to his wife. I think that would be interesting.

LumpySpacedPrincess Sun 28-Jun-15 21:24:28

What's the friend like towards you?

abitbemused Sun 28-Jun-15 21:31:12

Rarely see him.He usually visits when I'm not around.Pleasant enough.

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay Sun 28-Jun-15 21:36:04

Have you seen Brokeback Mountain OP? I call gay on this too. Sorry you have this in your life. Time to go quiet and dig deeper and find out more.

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