Am I wrong

[Rainiesmile175]

I really don't know what is happening. I have always worked full time (which included shifts) and have also tried to manage the money I earned, and as a single parent I think I did pretty well. I have now got married and had another DD. I have bad health issues and have been told that I am going to be sacked from the job I've had for 15 years because I can't do it anymore. My DH has been, for the last few months paying the mortgage and bills (he earns a very good wage) so that I can save up some money for when I am let go, to give me something to live on. I have saved a fair amount but have to pay for the car and as he doesn't drive I feel that a lot of the money will go on maintenance, tax,insurance etc. I have also paid for a college course at a cost of 3,000 and so am now worrying that I won't have enough to live on. If I mention these things he gets angry and asks what I have been doing with my money while he "gets shafted" by paying for "everything" I told him that I usually pay for things like swimming lessons and other things for the children that he is unaware of too but this doesn't bother him. He sees it that I'm making excuses about saving.......I feel that I'm going to be left without any income and will have to ask him for things like petrol or a haircut. I feel increasingly anxious at a time when I already have enough stress. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Vivacia]

My DH has been, for the last few months paying the mortgage and bills (he earns a very good wage) so that I can save up some money for when I am let go, to give me something to live on.

Er, you what?

[mix56]

you married him, but your finances are separate ? why ?

[LIZS]

So he doesn't view his income as joint. What's mine is his , what's his is his. Once you have no independent income the situation will only get worse unless you nip it in the bud now. Break down your family's monthly expenses and work out how you will fund it on one wage or make cut backs.

[Only1scoop]

'Saving for something to live on'

Awful.

Are you married? You need to sit down with him and tell him what's going on here.

[pocketsaviour]

So what's going to happen when those "savings" run out? What is the long term plan here?

Regarding your current job, have you sought legal help regarding the Disability Discrimination Act?

[derxa]

This is wrong on so many levels.

[pocketsaviour]

In fact there seems to be a lot of red flags in what you describe as your employment situation. You might want to post in the legal section with more details because I'm seeing several things wrong here. For a start, if you've been told "You will be sacked" then that's constructive dismissal. Also, your company is legally obliged to make reasonable adjustments to your role, or look to move you into a different role of which you would be capable. There's quite a long and involved road to go down before you can sack someone for ill-health. I would always expect, for example, a request to write to your doctor for details on your condition, treatment plan, and expected recovery (if any). Has any of that happened?

[Finola1step]

Red flags.

[Rainiesmile175]

We have a "joint account" and the online shopping comes out and the direct debit bills but this is checked regularly and kept an eye on. I don't have anything for myself apart from what I've saved. I have to let him know if the kids need clothes or shoes and we will have a "discussion" about why!!?? There is no point in asking about myself. I have sought advice about disability discrimination via my union at work but because I can still work at something else that is not physical I can still be employed. (I am looking and at college) tbh I don't know what is going to happen when the savings....such as they are run out? I can't believe I'm even here!

[LIZS]

Employer is required to make reasonable adjustments , have you been assessed by occupational health? Your dh is financially controlling , if not abusive.

[pinkyredrose]

2nd thread today about being married to a financially abusive areshole. Why the hell are you putting up with this! What does he do with his money?

[FadedRed]

You are married to this plonker?
What happened to "For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health"? Of was his part of the marriage vows "Only while she can pay for herself and the kids and I don't have to give a damn."

[antimatter]

Have you had your DH ever done the write up of all expenses your family has?

If he complains that too much money goes on grocery - ask him to help and draw meal plans and cook.

Apart from budgeting which is good thing anyway there's problem about his and yours money. Why does he think he is shafted? DOews he think yo udon't deserve your education, new career?

[Rainiesmile175]

Thankyou so much everyone. I have been on the long work road with regards to other positions and without saying too much it is a physically demanding job in a male environment and because I have not been able to be redeployed ( the posts are too far away or not things I am qualified for) they have told me they've done all they can. I will still look at the legal page and ask for advice anyway.

[Vivacia]

I'm not telling you to LTB, but gently pointing out that you'd have more money, more financial independence and fewer threats to navigate if you were separated from this bully.

[Rainiesmile175]

Have done the expenses thing and sat down to talk about it and realised that he doesn't have a grip on how much things cost as comments like " why do we eat so much bread" show me that he has no idea as he eats most of it....its laughable really. I guess what I am showing myself is that he is a dickhead and that I have somehow gone off track with my relationship with him. I guess I hadn't noticed what had been going on as I'd always been strong and working. He told me once he wouldn't respect me if I didn't work. I should have pulled out then. Who says that to their spouse? I'm not a bloody freeloader! I have ended up feeling guilty for not saving more money as he was "paying it all" he earns £100,000 and has shares and bonds. He says for the kids inheritance..... Very noble? I think I have been a mat for too long and now I should shake the dirt off out the door!!! What do I do now??? I haven't spoken to anyone about this because he's lovely to everyone else and he seems like a provider to the outside. If you asked him he'd say that I've been living off of him so that I can save money for myself when I don't work so I don't stress but what's really happening is far different and he won't accept the stuff I've paid for out of that money already..... He just sees what I COULD have saved!!! So angry.

[Vivacia]

What do I do now???

What would you like to do? Would you like to talk it over with a counsellor? Read some books? Keep writing about it here?

Do you want to stay in the relationship or are you open to considering other options?

[antimatter]

I would be very angry too.

[stitch10yearson]

You could be me. Except that your dh actually sounds nicer than mine.

You have two choices. Stay or Go. He is unlikely to change. You will have to deal with the crap whatever decision you make. Good luck.

[Rainiesmile175]

You know Vivacia, I have no idea what I want to do. I have spoken to a counsellor about other things (work) but each time I went on to talk about my DH's perceived idea of what I should be doing with my money they gave me some tips on how to speak to him so that it doesn't become a tit for tat match but it didn't really help because it meant I wasn't really communicating how I was feeling just listening to him....and of course I know what he wants to say! No one seemed to hear me, what I was saying. The counsellor tried to give me techniques to diffuse the argument rather than sort out what was going on in the first place. Some of them (counsellors) don't seem to help much. We have family events coming up and so I don't know what to do because everyone would be surprised if I said I was thinking of divorce. Btw he's already told me he thinks I'm unstable (I got upset once in a row) so there are no limits to the stories he would tell. Ha ha ha ha..... Not funny.

[stitch10yearson]

you can't live your life for other people. Whatever decision you make, should be for you and not anyone else.

As I said before, your dh sounds much nicer than mine.

[Vivacia]

You know Vivacia, I have no idea what I want to do.
I read that and thought it sounded like a very exciting place to be, full of potential (and a little bit scary). How does it feel?

I don't know what to do because everyone would be surprised if I said I was thinking of divorce. Well, perhaps some would. But how long would they be surprised do you think before they started thinking about their dodgy washing machine, child's exams, own relationship? 30 minutes? 3 minutes? 30 seconds?

You have two choices.
We very, very rarely have only two choices, but that's how it feels when we're in a reactive, stressful place. Take a deep breath. Slow down. I think that there are actually more than two choices.

[Vivacia]

As I said before, your dh sounds much nicer than mine.

Christ.

[Rainiesmile175]

I could shoot him? Lol

[Rainiesmile175]

Sorry that isn't what I would do! I don't have a gun... Just got carried away with the options. You're right people wouldn't probably be surprised for too long. When you talk about things it does put it into perspective. I have been mulling and mulling it over for so long trying to make sense of it all that I havent had a chance to think about what it is I need or want.
Stitch10yearson - oh my God please ask on here for strength and guidance!
I will be speaking to the citizens advice bureau tomorrow to see what options I have.