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DH not adjusting well after DC3

(24 Posts)
CheerfulYank Sun 28-Jun-15 08:16:03

That's it really sad

We have DS1 (almost 8), DD (2), and now little DS2 (6 weeks).

Things have been really chaotic since DS2 was born and DH is just not doing well. He's not helping me much, he's in a terrible mood whenever he's home (snapping at me, yelling at the kids) and it's driving me mad.

I know it's not a competition but I do feel that I'm the one with more going on. I'm home with them all day, I'm breastfeeding every few hours, I'm trying to keep on top of the house stuff, and he wants to be stressed? Please.

Also he's very scatterbrained, always has been. And very slow, as in it takes him ages to do something simple like get out of the house to take the older two to the playground. There's so much around the house that needs doing and he will choose the least important, least helpful thing and then either do it halfway or finish it at a turtle's pace. I've tried to tell him that we need to be more organized and just faster with things now that we have three; we're outnumbered and unless we want our lives to descend into total chaos, we have to get it together. But then he doesn't.

He really yelled at DD today, a really loud "DON'T!" angrily in her face. She was exhausted and hit him on the arm as he was carrying her to the bath. It really irritated me. Obviously hitting is not okay and I do not allow it but the way he sounded out of control. She's still little; she only turned two last month. He did the same to DS1 last night, really hollered at him. DS1 is at a trying age and I get being angry with him (he talks back a lot, is argumentative etc) but I don't like the yelling and being snappy all the time. After he yelled at DS they ate dinner and then DH announced he was going to take a rest, leaving me to take care of them myself and do bath times and bed after being with them all day already. Obviously I can take care of my children myself, but I was exhausted too and some help would have been nice. Though lately he's so snappy that I don't even really want his help; it feels much less tense without him to be honest.

This morning I went out without any of the DC for the first time since DS2 was born. DH only got ten days of paternity leave and DS1 was done with school (til September) at the end of May so I've been dealing with the three of them on my own for most of the time since DS2 was born and I was excited to get out.

I only went downtown to run some errands and stop by for coffee and a chat with a friend. I was only gone for a little over two hours but DH was angry when I got home because it apparently somehow ruined his plans for the day (which he had not told me about) and apparently he hadn't been able to do anything because DD and DS2 were crying, etc. Um yes, I am aware of how hard it can be, it is after all my life day in and day out!

It's just little things. The other day he was stomping around because he had no clean shirts. Yes, usually I do the laundry but I'm fucking busy if you haven't noticed! angry I assume he knew the night before that he'd need a shirt in the morning!

Right now it's 2 a.m. my time and he's at a party while I desperately try to get DS2 to sleep. I find I don't even care that he's gone. I had more fun with DS1 watching the Princess Bride before I put him to bed than I would with DH and his grumpy attitude.

Sometimes I think we just need a better routine and more sleep and it will all pass, but sometimes I worry that DS2's birth has revealed a side of DH that I don't really like and can't see myself living with forever.

EugenesAxe Sun 28-Jun-15 08:26:29

You might consider PND on his side; I feel for you massively and my DH can often be like this. The main culprits where he's concerned are worry about return to work (it's often Sunday afternoon he gets really controlling and snappy), work itself & being hungry.

We are lucky my DH's job is well paid so we don't have money high on our everyday list of concerns, but this is definitely something I could see being a pressure point otherwise - did yours want the third and could this be playing on his mind?

I think you need to talk more candidly to him perhaps; ask him if he's worrying about things. Getting him to be more efficient I can't suggest anything for, unless you actually show him how to prioritise and follow tasks through. I'm a bit like him in that way but can sort myself out with a bit of effort!

Congratulations on your baby though, and I hope things get better soon.

CheerfulYank Sun 28-Jun-15 08:30:20

Thank you smile

Yes he did want DC3. He's the reason we have him at all really, he's Catholic and wanted to try "natural family planning". hmm Well, you can see how well that worked!

That's another thing that's annoying me. I love DS3 to pieces; he is a gorgeous little thing and I don't regret him at all. But it irritates the shit out of me that DH was so keen on NFP and then has been like this about the consequences of that decision.

CheerfulYank Sun 28-Jun-15 08:31:03

DS2 I mean smile

CheerfulYank Sun 28-Jun-15 09:12:32

He's just gotten home from the party, said good night and gone to bed. (I'm sleeping downstairs with the baby where it's cool.)

For fuck's sake. We haven't talked at all in a few days and I'm going out of my mind with no adult interaction. sad

tadjennyp Sun 28-Jun-15 09:37:36

I am so sorry cheerful it is rough in the first few months. I hope you can get a good few hours sleep then work out a time when you can have a serious chat about what is bothering him. (Ds2 is scrumptious though!)

sausagesandyogadontmix Sun 28-Jun-15 10:50:28

Hi Yank. You sound a very strong woman but something is going to have to give as you can't carry on like this. Is your DH open to talking or does he get defensive?

pocketsaviour Sun 28-Jun-15 13:10:36

I didn't realise that there was such a thing as male PND, but it sounds like your H could be a candidate.

I wonder if he is also angry at himself about the conception but turning that anger outward? (Which is really shit of him, needless to say.)

Would he see his doctor?

aladyofindeterminateage Sun 28-Jun-15 13:16:10

He went to a party???

Sorry - but I don't think this is depression.
This is selfishness, laziness and thoughtlessness.

OP - you probably will find it easier without him TBH. He sounds as if he has decided that being a partner and parent isn't for him. sad

SchnitzelVonKrumm Sun 28-Jun-15 13:19:47

Are your older DC his?

crazytyke Sun 28-Jun-15 13:27:04

I'm right there with you OP. I've only got 2 kids, youngest 9 weeks but DH sounds very similar.

derxa Sun 28-Jun-15 14:11:52

You both sound exhausted. I think that's the key.

CheerfulYank Sun 28-Jun-15 14:42:24

Schnitzel yes, all the DC are his.

We've been married for almost nine years. DS1 was also a "surprise". (You think we'd have worked this whole thing out, wouldn't you? wink) We were in our twenties then and hadn't planned on kids for awhile and TBH neither of us handled it very well. We always took care of DS but I was very depressed from my third trimester on. I took AD's for awhile after DS was born and slowly weaned off them and have been fine ever since (no PND with either subsequent pregnancy). It took us a long time to sort of get into our groove as parents, I think, hence the larger age gap between DS1 and DD. Again, you wouldn't have known it to see it from the outside.

I wanted another baby a few years after DS but he didn't and wasn't sure he wanted more at all. It was really upsetting for me because I'd never planned on an only child, but I tried to come to terms with it. Eventually he agreed and I got pregnant with DD immediately. I was really ill throughout my pregnancy with her but so happy I didn't get PND that it didn't matter. Things were fine after her birth...great, in fact.

We decided to have more but the timing of DS2 is not what we expected. Still, DH was (or at least acted) really happy about it and was good throughout the pregnancy (I was ill again.) It does sound like PND on his part, doesn't it? Is that a thing?

For the most part he has always been a good father. He loves the kids. I know women whose DHs can't be alone with the kids for more than a few hours because they don't know what they're doing, don't do bath and bed etc. My DH has never been like that. I've always done a bit more because I've been the SAHP, but we've basically always been equal partners as far as the kids go. (The house, not so much hmm)

ALady I don't know that I would be better off without him. At least I don't think I'm at that point yet. I still love him, for a start, even though I think he's being a shit right now. And I can't imagine being without what help he does provide, really.

Honestly I don't care that much about the party. He rarely goes out though he has more in the past few years at my urging. It was someone he works with who threw it and it's a big once a year thing. Tons of people come and there are live bands, etc. He didn't leave til 9:30. I was mostly irritated that he didn't ask if I needed him to stay home and then came home and went straight to bed. Granted it was close to 3 a.m. but still, I wanted to talk to him for a few minutes. sad

Sausages I plan on talking to him but yes, he does get pretty defensive. He has two older sisters and an older brother. They are all about eleven months apart from each other (poor MIL!) and then DH was born five years after his brother. So he is very much the baby of the family and was treated like a speshul snowflake for much of his life, I think. hmm I've certainly never acted that way with him and have told him to quit being such a princess on numerous occasions.

So yes I am going to talk to him, but I'm not sure how it will go. I know he's stressed (and there's a new CEO at his work so I think that's adding to it) but so am I and we have got to figure this out.

CheerfulYank Sun 28-Jun-15 14:43:10

Oh thank you tad smile DS2 is a squidgy little thing, isn't he?

Kiwiinkits Mon 29-Jun-15 04:08:12

You all sound like you're swimming in it. That's normal for parents of a six week old. Have some sympathy for DH - he's feeling tired too - you all are.

Having two kids and one baby is very, very hard. People always go out of their way to offer help with a first baby, when you hardly need it. Seldom any help gets offered to parents of third babies.

So, ask for help!!!! From the local catholic church, if you have to. Don't be shy! Just say what you need. I need someone to take away two bags of laundry and bring it back cleaned, ironed and folded. I need someone to come and spend two hours cleaning. I need to have three hours with no children in the house so I can sleep. If you don't ask for help then you won't get it.

madwomanbackintheattic Mon 29-Jun-15 04:16:56

You are both knackered and need a better routine and more sleep. smile

This too shall pass.

It will get easier. Really. But in the meantime, be kind to yourselves. Sleep deprivation is a bitch.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 29-Jun-15 14:09:55

I suppose first things first. You both need sleep. And then you need to figure out if this is him being stressed (and you likely are as well!) or if this is him being an arse. Once you've figured that out, you'll be able to map out how to deal with it I guess.

Congrats on the new little one! I had dd in MN in July (years ago), and my god the humidity and heat just about did me in! Hope you're keeping cool! I know just the misery of the heat and humidity can add to frayed tempers too!

CheerfulYank Mon 29-Jun-15 17:03:22

Thank you all smile We had a huuuge fight last night which led to some air clearing, which is good.

MadWoman I really want a routine but I'mI'm not sure where to start!

Jan45 Mon 29-Jun-15 17:07:56

How exactly is he tired, he went to a party??? He sounds a right selfish git OP, sorry you have having to put up with that crap.

I can tell you this, his shouting and aggression will not be helping any of your children, it will make them nervous, angry little individuals, who don't know how to express themselves properly, they will take their lead from him, he needs to grow up, act like a parent and help you like any other decent partner would, I don't know how you put up with him tbh.

BathtimeFunkster Mon 29-Jun-15 20:50:18

I think if you go out partying until 3am, you have just given up the right to complain about being tired.

He should be pulling his weight, no matter how tired he is.

Having a 6 week old baby is no excuse for being a selfish wanker.

Rebecca2014 Mon 29-Jun-15 21:01:59

Children can put a huge stress on an relationship and it sounds like he didn't realize how hard it be to have three children.

Things of course should get better once the baby gets older but I really would be three and done if I was you.

DoItTooJulia Mon 29-Jun-15 21:04:13

I would suggest that you start the routine off by looking at the weekend time. Factor in time on your own and time for him on his own.

Also, I think it helps with a new baby to set out who is going to sit with the baby while essential stuff gets done, like laundry. And agree it beforehand.

Finally, decide what's most important. For example, leaving the kitchen clean with a load of washing in the machine at night, is important to me, so we both know it has to be done. And there's no stress or resentment, it just just gets done, even if one of us is so knackered we slope off to bed. In fact because I bf and couldn't really have a lie in, in the early days, I was often sent to bed early with the baby while DH did house stuff, in the quiet, without the kids under his feet.

Best of luck!

BathtimeFunkster Mon 29-Jun-15 21:36:00

One person being a passenger can be a huge stress on a relationship.

Having children isn't too bad if both adults do their best.

madwomanbackintheattic Sun 05-Jul-15 00:20:25

Hope you are having a lovely 4th July, Cheerful x
The routine will come with time - I always think 3 mos is the magic point, but our dc3 had all sorts of Ishoos that meant it took a bit longer. I hope you are having a relaxing day with your family today anyway, and that things are getting a bit easier

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