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How to move forward after separating rapist husband(13 Posts)
So I posted a few months ago about my husband and how he'd been attacking me before we found out I was pregnant with my now 10 month old son. The replies I got really helped and I'd really appreciate your help again. It's been just over two months since we split up.
So after the split he moved back in with his mum. I kept our rented house for another month and then handed the notice in and moved into my parents with my son. H sees DS every Sunday - I do the drop offs and pick ups so that I can just take my baby and leave, I didn't want him picking up/dropping up and then over staying his non existent welcome in my home, and he is still over stepping some boundaries so I like being able to walk away from him and not have to ask him to leave.
At first he thought we were on a break (deluded), and he wanted to stop contact with out son all together when I said it was permanent. Looking back at that I wish I just said fine changed my number and let it be that, but despite everything I thought he could still be a dad to DS, I didn't want to have to explain to DS what's happened when he is older and didn't want him blaming me for not having a relationship with his father as he grows up. And I was just so angry at him that he would even consider just dropping DS from his life like that - I couldn't ever just walk away from my son, I was really furious that his dad would suggest it himself! So I gave him a piece of my mind on that one, and the next time I spoke to him he acted like it never happened and when asked dismissed it.
H keeps texting me things like "I'd like to ask you on a date, pretty sure I know the answer though" "I wish youd love me for me and accept that i will sometimes make mistakes and bad choices". I feel like deep down he doesn't think he's done anything really all that bad. It's as if he's expected me to one day go 'oh I feel much better now' and we all carry on living happily ever after - his lack of remorse for what he did in general is starting to worry me.
I tried calling women's aid and when I eventually got through was told they don't have a centre in my area - they gave me the number for a local charity which I admit I did not ring, as I've heard bad stories about them so didn't want them getting involved in mine and DS life. I tried ringing rape crisis and could never get through. I eventually went to my GP, and asked to be referred for councelling. When asked why I just told her I was taped, I didn't mention that it was H who did it or that it was more then once and she didn't ask any further. She asked if I felt I needed medication to help me cope and I refused - starting to wonder if I should have accepted though. She gave me a number to self refer for councelling. I called them and then waited another 5 weeks for an assessment. The counselled checked with her clinical lead if SS should get involved, but after what I told them (which was everything I've told on here) they decided they wouldn't make SS aware as there was no immediate safeguarding issues. After all that, I've been put on a six month waiting list for councelling, which made me feel like giving up all together.
They did give me the number for my local rape crisis, but they only take calls twice a week for short periods on an evening - when in trying to put my son to bed and everyone is in the house and I have no privacy and find it hard to get away. I'm trying though, hoping I might manage to get through next week.
Anyway i thought I'd be starting to feel better by now, but I generally feel worse. I'm quite tearful when I find myself on my own, i cry driving home from work again, the intrusive thoughts have been getting worse and more frequent - sometimes they start on waking.
And things are eating away at me more and more. I'm struggling to decide what is best for DS. To carry on letting him have a relationship with H or put a stop to his access before he is old enough to remember him. Part of me thinks I'm being selfish and then all the other parts of me feel like DS won't benefit from having H as a dad, he would be better off with just me... And then, if I do stop contact, what happens if he actually does something about it. His mum can be quite pushy, she already almost lost a grandson when his brother just lost all interest in his son to his first wife, I can see her kicking him up the arse to go to court over contact.
And this is going to sound awful, but I only this week started thinking - what if he meets someone else and does the same to her? I feel guilty for not pressing charges - but if I did would anyone even believe me? The last attack was now 18 months ago. I have no proof that he did this, it'd be his word against mine and he comes across better than I do in general. He's charming and friendly and funny, I struggle to make new friends or to speak in front of groups of people. And then if I tried and it all went wrong the what? Would it not look as if I've just said it to stop him seeing his son? Would they think I was vindictive, and give him even more access?! That story a few weeks ago about the mother who ran away with her son after the court gave the father full custody absolutely terrified me.
I feel more confused and scared now than I did when I was living with him. I feel like my mind runs away from me and I really struggle to think straight. What should I do?
The first thing you should do is get back to your doctor, tell her of your symptoms, and ask her to prescribe appropriate medication such as anti-depressants to help you cope with your feelings. Also ask to her to write to the counselling service stating that you are in urgent need and request that your case be given priority.
It very much sounds to me as if you're suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and you're best advised not to make any decisions relating to the matters you've outlined above until you are in a better place mentally.
Fwiw, the recent story about the dm who ran away with her ds isn't something that came about overnight so, please, put any fears that this could be you to one side and be very gentle with yourself until the meds kick in which could take a month or so.
Thanks for replying. To be honest when I said no to the meds I had no idea how long the waiting list was, i thought in around three months I'd be sorted and i was just coping with that. Thank you for your advice l, I'll ring for an appointment tomorrow morning.
You're going through post traumatic stress, as Goddess suggests. You wouldn't expect someone with a badly broken leg, who'd never had it set, to be running marathons on it. That's the type of impossible expectation that you're setting for yourself.
Be kind to yourself. You've made some massive life-changing decisions. You're a brave lady. Give yourself time to come to terms with it all.
Go back to your GP & insist on the counselling that you need to start the healing process.
I think you need to separate out the two issues of your ex having contact with his son and your ex having (inappropriate) contact with you. Indeed you may find resolving the latter resolves the former, if he's only staying in contact with his son as a way of getting to you. But on the face of it I think he should remain in contact with his son, although the next time he says he doesn't want to see him any more, take him at his word.
You need to put a stop to his contact with you, however. Change your number and keep your current one purely for contact with him, preferably in an old or cheap handset that you only turn on on the days whilst your ds is with him. Reiterate the contact between the two of you is only related to contact between him and ds, you have nothing else to discuss.
I would keep trying to get hold of Rape Crisis to discuss your options with them in terms of pressing charges. I think as goddess says, now is not the right time to be making a decision on that. It may be that in time you and your counsellor agree it's the right thing to do for a number of reasons, not least to give yourself the psychological validation that yes, this really did happen, but that isn't something you need to decide right now.
Can you get someone over to put your son to bed one night, or put him to sleep early one day? Go for a walk before bed and then let him sleep in the buggy? This would give you a chance to ring.
I'm not sure I can agree that H should have contact with DS - maybe in time I might change my mind but right now I'm worried about the influence H would have on him, especially if he met someone else and did the same to her. He was abusive to his ex too (who he has two girls with) although all he's admitted to was hitting her once when he was drunk. He's quite controlling and jealous too, though I couldn't see it very well at the time. I've considered going to talk to his ex gf, but I think it might be a bad idea - I just want the truth. Obviously he's not going to tell the next girl what he did to me, so I'm starting to doubt he gave me the full story about his ex.
Incidentally he has just text to tell me he can't have DS today as he is ill, and I feel massively relieved that I don't have to go see him or leave DS with him.
The buggy thing is a good idea too thank you, I could give DS his bath and put him in his buggy in his Pjs I've never thought of that. Definitely need councelling sooner than six months.
It could be that next Sunday you're not feeling well enough to drop ds off ... that would give you some respite but when it comes to divorce - which presumably you will be seeking at some point?- the court will want to know that any issues relating to contact have been resolved.
I'm planning on filing for divorce once I've gotten back the tenancy deposit from the house. I thought I'll still be given the divorce? I know they will acknowledge the fact we have a child together, but the divorce and his access arrangements are two separate matters, aren't they?
I just wanted to say that i am very sorry this happened to you.
But, I think you are amazing!!
You write so well, you come across so cleatly, you soubd kind logical and thoughtful and i think you have done so so well to get this far. Keep going, you are doing so well.
Sorry i am not knowledgeable enough to give practical advice, but just wanted to encourage you.
right now I'm worried about the influence H would have on him
Agreed - your ex is a criminal and a dreadful person. I hope eventually he gets locked up and they throw away the key. But in the meantime I think the courts would likely order that contact should continue (he has no convictions I think?).
I think withdrawing contact unilaterally would go against you and give him a stick to beat you with. But making sure he can't use it as a way to get into your head is very important.
Thanks eminado. It's been hard to write it down at first but after my last post it's starting to get easier - hopefully it'll be the same when I have to start actually talking to someone about it.
Tribpot you are absolutely right - as much as i want to just stop contact all together it could really backfire on me if I did, that's why I'm so stressed about it. If I stop contact I need something to back me up in case he does take me to court. I don't know where to start or what to do, it's not like I have any evidence that proves H has done anything wrong, and then even if I did becuase he has never physically hurt any of his kids (and not likely to, otherwise I would never send DS), he might get access through the courts anyway. I really wish I could talk to someone about what my options are. I don't think I can rebuild my life with him still involved, I feel like rubbish cos I'm upset all the time I should have been enjoying my son's first year of life not worrying myself sick.
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