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Abuser said he did it cos he was ignorant

(20 Posts)
samantha303 Sat 27-Jun-15 23:07:58

One of my previous posts www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2359087-Its-me-again-some-updates

Still finding it tough everyday. Crying pretty much everyday cos I dont know how to move forward.
I pretty much acknowledge that relationships are hard and love is not enough. Apart from being tourtured by my previous unfaithful behaviour, I feel remorseful that he didnt seem to feel bad for his previous behaviour at all. He did say that he felt awful for emotionally and physically abusing me, but most of the time he tried to minimise his mistakes by saying he only hit me once and that was an 'accident'. And also said that he emotionally abused me cos he was ignorant.

It has been almost 3 months. He wanted to "work things out" but were too "busy" to even make a counselling appointment. I got put off by him postponing taking merely 1 mins to make an appointment, so I said i dont care about the counselling anymore. Then he later blamed me on him not making the appointment.

He is happily going off with his mates to have fun, has done no work on our relationship apart from making a list of what we should do to improve, after I baggered him to.

I really want to move on but don't know how, not because I am trapped with any sort of responsibilities. I do still have false hopes, hopes that this might work, and i still do love him. But I havn't been happy for almost a year. I don't see that i can ever be happy with him. JUst dont know how to move on...

pocketsaviour Sat 27-Jun-15 23:14:37

For the love of god.

How many times are you going to post this, how many times does everyone have to tell you "YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER" before it sinks in?

You don't love this man. Google "traumatic bonding".

Get some counselling. On your own. I'd also recommend the Freedom Programme from Womens Aid. Go out with your friends, get moderately drunk, go to some gigs, to to the beach, party, meet other guys and have a one night stand. Get a job, meet people, do volunteering. You've got all summer til you go back to uni - by the time next term rolls around you need to have this in the past!

samantha303 Sat 27-Jun-15 23:14:53

He initially promised to enroll in some sort of course for abusers but later on he was convinced that he didnt know he was 'abusing' me so didnt want to go. Pretty much just another evidence of him not wanting to fight for this relationship, but constantly saying how much he loves me etc

Canyouforgiveher Sat 27-Jun-15 23:19:39

I pretty much acknowledge that relationships are hard and love is not enough.

Not true. good relationships aren't hard - they are joyful. Love is plenty if people aren't abusive. he hit you and emotionally abused you. get some counselling so you can move on.

OuchLegoHurts Sat 27-Jun-15 23:22:21

Relationships should not be hard. My husband is my best friend.

samantha303 Sat 27-Jun-15 23:23:10

I sincerely looking for advice apart from "look for counselling" and "the relationship is over".
I want to get rid of the false hope but it's hard. I want to get counselling but it is expensive. sad

wannabestressfree Sat 27-Jun-15 23:25:30

It is over. Ffs grow up

DontKillMyVibe Sat 27-Jun-15 23:30:05

This is not what a healthy or happy relationship should be like and you should expect and want more for yourself. For the sake of your own sanity let it go and walk away.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Sat 27-Jun-15 23:34:50

Does your university offer a counselling service?

samantha303 Sat 27-Jun-15 23:39:08

I graduated from uni already, currently doing an internship and will start my master's degree in Sep.

MrsEvadneCake Sat 27-Jun-15 23:48:30

It won't change. He won't. You need to leave him. Sorry. You do.

whitsernam Sun 28-Jun-15 00:08:16

To some degree, you get over it all by just living. By yourself. Taking care of yourself and whatever type of place you live in. Talking with friends, finding a counsellor if you can manage (have you spoken to Women's Aid??) figuring out where to draw the line with the next relationship you try, etc. etc. But mostly by just living alone and taking care of yourself.

Crunchybadger Sun 28-Jun-15 01:10:18

He initially promised to enroll in some sort of course for abusers but later on he was convinced that he didnt know he was 'abusing' me so didnt want to go

I think this tells you all you need to know. First claim when challenged on his behaviour was he'd go on a course to fix it (so he accepted he was wrong),then when he'd had time to this about it, he no longer wanted to acceot responsibility.

Imagine if you truly believed you were abusing someone without realising it. Would you (a) do everything you could to stop the abusive behaviour; or (b), claim that since you weren't aware of it, there was no point fixing it?

With (a) there might be some point in continuing. You have (b).

I'm sorry. He's just not very nice to you. Time for you to be nice to you and get out. You haven't been happy for a year. Give yourself a break!

Canyouforgiveher Sun 28-Jun-15 01:44:16

To some degree, you get over it all by just living. By yourself. Taking care of yourself and whatever type of place you live in. Talking with friends, finding a counsellor if you can manage (have you spoken to Women's Aid??) figuring out where to draw the line with the next relationship you try, etc. etc. But mostly by just living alone and taking care of yourself.

This is so true. OP people keep repeating he is an abuser, leave him because this is actually all you can do.

Then they say counselling because that might help you deal with it.

But unfortunately there is no magic spell, no secret formula to getting over someone. If the best man in the world - or the worst man in the world - dumps you you still just have to get over him. so you get up every day knowing he is gone from your life and you try to fill your life with something else.

Talking to people helps. Talking to people who have gone through similar helps. filling your life with other things - especially things where you don't have much time to think like sports etc - also helps. Restricting the time you have to think about him helps. You just have to do it by living your life a day at a time and eventually the pain goes away, you move on. If you have other issues or he has messed with you so much that you will not be able to move on then you need to see someone to talk about that.

Jux Sun 28-Jun-15 12:12:18

There will be counselling services available at the Uni.

butterflygirl15 Sun 28-Jun-15 12:14:56

what do you expect or want us to say to you? You just will not listen. We are not going to tell you that you and him are Romeo and Juliet.

flippinada Sun 28-Jun-15 12:34:46

This relationship is dead in the water. There is no miracle fix that will make it work and turn this waste of space into a loving, caring boyfriend.

Stop mooning around after him, get on with your life and spend some time on learning to look after and value yourself.

lostinnormandieland Mon 29-Jun-15 15:39:45

It seems you are caught in an abusive cycle. You are worth so much more! Self love is as important as others' love. You should not give permission to someone else to destroy you. Love is not an excuse. Have you been in an abusive relationship before? It seems like leant behaviour. Where does this self-sabotaging logic come from? Start reading some books on abusive relationships and go to counselling!

lostinnormandieland Mon 29-Jun-15 15:40:28

There is no excuse for abuse!

MrsV2012 Mon 29-Jun-15 18:10:17

I do still have false hopes

Yes, you do OP. False hopes with bells on.
He doesn't want to be with you. Again, he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Grow up, and move on.

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