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Ex partner telling me I should not be in contact

(170 Posts)
Wideopenspace Sat 27-Jun-15 19:25:57

Long story short - my relationship with long term partner ended around a year ago, at my instigation. We have one child. I did not behave well towards the very end (last couple of months) - allowing a friendship to become an EA then making this physical, once, after I had ended things with partner but before I moved out.

Ex is very angry with me, understandably.

I'm not going to justify my actions with a bunch of reasons why I was desperately, desperately unhappy.

So. I will need to remain in amicable contact with ex because of DC, he says I should not have any contact with the OM as a way of making amends for my behaviour. He feels I owe him this, and will not budge from this position.

I just don't think that it how it works. Am I wrong?

RandomMess Sat 27-Jun-15 19:28:44

He's your Ex, I can't insist on anything the relationship between you and him is over confused

Was he this controlling when you were together?

Starlightbright1 Sat 27-Jun-15 19:32:58

I think you need to remove yourselves from each others lives a bit more..You don't need to tell him you are or aren't seeing OM...

Wideopenspace Sat 27-Jun-15 19:33:09

He says that it is about me taking responsibility for my actions and showing remorse.

I don't know if he was controlling. I was dreadfully unhappy and couldn't communicate with him.

I think I made myself small to try and not rock the boat and not place any demands on him.

Vivacia Sat 27-Jun-15 19:33:18

You both seem confused about how much power he has.

Vivacia Sat 27-Jun-15 19:34:28

What are your arrangements around housing, childcare and finances?

FryOneFatManic Sat 27-Jun-15 19:34:52

He's your ex, so he can't lay down any conditions.

Wideopenspace Sat 27-Jun-15 19:34:54

In what way Vivacia - to clarify, I haven't allowed his demand to affect what I am or am not doing - but I guess I wanted some perspective on whether he had a point?

Wideopenspace Sat 27-Jun-15 19:35:39

He stayed in our house, I rent one locally. He bought me out. We share the care of DC.

Vivacia Sat 27-Jun-15 19:41:26

In the way that I think that this is the tip of the iceberg.

MrsHenryMountbattenWindsor Sat 27-Jun-15 19:43:25

No OP, he doesn't have a point. Perhaps he doesn't understand the 'ex' part of his new title.

It doesn't matter whose 'fault' it was that your relationship ended. The fact is you are no longer romantically committed to each other. That means not only does he not have the right to demand who you do and don't see, he also doesn't have the right to demand any responsibility, apology, or remorse from you.

But of course you still need things to be amicable.

IIWY I'd wait until he brings it up again then politely, but assertively, make it clear that you have no intention of discussing your personal/love/sex life with him, now or in the future.

The sooner you make sure he understands your relationship is now only about the DC the better.

RandomMess Sat 27-Jun-15 19:43:45

You should be communicating about the dc only. Yes you have a responsibility to be sensitive to your dc emotional needs and not introduce lots of boyfriends to them etc. but what you do in private is your business alone!!!

Your ex needs to butt out of your life completely.

Why do you need to show him remorse? HE IS YOUR EX

Unless you want to get back with him?

pinkyredrose Sat 27-Jun-15 19:44:06

Tell him to go fuck himself and you'll see who you want. Same as he can.

Wideopenspace Sat 27-Jun-15 19:46:00

Tip of the iceberg? Do you mean in terms of demands on the future or in terms of what has gone before.

He "found" my MN account previously and C&P lots of my posts and emailed them to me after we had split.

He found it because he'd put a keystroke device on my computer, I think.

But he would say he only started checking up on me because he thought I was lying about this 'friend'. Which in the very end I was. So maybe he had a point.

Wideopenspace Sat 27-Jun-15 19:48:06

I have told him I only want to communicate about DC, which at the moment he is respecting. He's gone from sending countless ranty communications to just being a bit edgy when I drop DC off. Nothing unpleasant, just a bit edgy.

Vivacia Sat 27-Jun-15 19:48:21

Tip of the iceberg? Do you mean...

I think you're being coy. Did you not think that was stuff you should have mentioned?

Wideopenspace Sat 27-Jun-15 19:48:42

God takeme no, I have no wish to get back together with him.

Wideopenspace Sat 27-Jun-15 19:49:51

Should have mentioned in my OP you mean?

I don't know, maybe - I suppose I was warming myself up to the idea of posting about it at all.

It really is not my intention to be coy.

Viviennemary Sat 27-Jun-15 19:50:43

In other words he is annoyed with you and is making life difficult which is understandable. I sympathise.

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 27-Jun-15 19:51:31

Monitoring your internet actions with a device, isn't that illegal?

Wideopenspace Sat 27-Jun-15 19:52:40

Sympathise with him Viv? If so, then can you try and explain how this 'gesture' would be helpful - I'd really like to understand.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 27-Jun-15 19:54:36

The fact that you are seeking perspective on this does suggest that he has been controlling in the past. As does the fact that he thinks he can demand this of you now even though he is an ex.

Viviennemary Sat 27-Jun-15 19:55:52

It wouldn't be. But I don't think people who have EA's or don't behave well or whatever should be given an easy time. Taste of own medicine.

MrsHenryMountbattenWindsor Sat 27-Jun-15 19:55:58

OP I don't know what viviennemary is trying to get at it why she thinks it necessary to critique your post. hmm

That aside, obviously he is hurt and angry. Is that your responsibility now? No. Just keep going as you are. You don't have to put up with his shit anymore.

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