Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feel so low. When will i feel better?

(8 Posts)
givemehopehelpmecope Sat 27-Jun-15 18:04:44

I've posted a couple of threads about breaking up with a P who had MH problems. When i told him i was backing out of his life until he sorted himself out, i had hoped this would spur him into action. Sadly i haven't heard from him since (18 days - I'm still counting!).
By the end of our 'relationship' there were so many red flags & i was walking around with a knot in my stomach. He was verbally abusive, had withdrawn sexually & i had lost the connection with him.
I know i did the right thing, but i am obsessing over him. I literally cant stop ruminating the 'what ifs...' & the 'why?...'. It's affecting everything and I'm really trying. I have resisted the urge to contact him (which i feel ALL the time), but it's killing me sad.
Please tell me this will pass, that i did the right thing & i deserve better than someone who thought it was ok to storm out of my house whenever i said something he disagreed with, wouldn't text/phone, would fall asleep ALL the time & didn't want me sexually in the end.
sorry for posting again, but I'm really struggling.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 27-Jun-15 18:16:49

'What if' you'd stayed with him? You'd have been in for years of the same during which time you'd become habituated to being badly treated.

Why did he treat you so badly? Because, MH issues notwithstanding, that's how he treats women and hell will freeze over before he changes.

You know you've done the right thing and you most certainly deserve a relationship which enhances your life instead of sucking the lifeblood out of it.

It's a beautiful evening - grab a book/your kindle and pop along to the nearest pub that's got a garden and treat yourself to a G&T or other refreshment of your choice as it'll do you good to be out in the fresh air around others who, despite some having their own heartaches, are getting on with their lives and having a laugh while they're doing so.

Nevergoingtolearn Sat 27-Jun-15 18:25:02

I think it's normal to feel like this, don't give in and contact him though, these feelings will pass and you will realise that you are better off without him. I was in a relationship like this for 12 years, it was hard to let go and the amount of times I wanted to leave but he made me feel guilty ( because of the mental health issues and threats of suicide ), I'm now really pleased I am away from it all now.

CharlotteCollins Sat 27-Jun-15 18:37:19

It will pass. You'll feel different in just a couple of weeks. To help you get there:

Find a Freedom Programme group to join, so you can get support from people who understand.

Write a list of the worst things about being with him. Look at it when you're feeling melancholy to give you strength. Add to it when you're feeling bitter.

Do little things to treat yourself. Particularly things that you couldn't do when you were with him. Your favourite food, early night with a favourite book,a walk in the woods, chocolate, or whatever appeals to you.

You definitely did the right thing. Recognise that you will feel bad for a while and that that's normal but it is not a reason to regret the decision.

givemehopehelpmecope Sat 27-Jun-15 18:58:07

Thank You all so much for replying. It's interesting what you said Charlotte Collins: about going to bed early with a book, because when he was around bedtime was a source of massive anxiety for me, in that he slept all the time so come bedtime he didn't want to go to bed, or would wNt TV on to fall asleep to, which pissed me off hugely. He never wanted sex at night either, and I got rejected so many times. I know that is a method of control, and I was happy just accepting what 'crumbs' he chose to give. I AM working on my self esteem, trying to fix what it is about me that makes me so dependent on a man being around for happiness. I've got a12yr old DD so can't afford gor her to gave the same complexes as me!

Barbaraaa Sun 28-Jun-15 08:20:44

This will pass - believe me; I've been there; done it.

This is what I suggest you do:

Delete him from your life, absolutely and totally - delete his number from your phone; delete email addresses; FB etc. Dispose of/sell anything he has a connection with - throw out/delet any photos or bits of tat he gave you; don't store anything for him.

Clean the house; wash the sheets; rid yourself of him.

Avoid his friends/family/anywhere he might live or go to.

Stop counting the days of no contact. Make today Day 1 of your better life with your DD. Start making plans with her. She is your life not some tosser who doesn't give a shit about you.

You're doing great. As they say on MN, keep on keeping on.

givemehopehelpmecope Sun 28-Jun-15 09:52:12

Thanks Barbaraa! Great advice. I have actually bought new sheets smile. I just want the pining feeling to stop!!!! I'm really trying. The reason I split was because he had taken to shouting at me late at night when i said it did anything he disagreed with. I totally didn't want my kids to witness that kind of behaviour...

CharlotteCollins Sun 28-Jun-15 14:06:04

Well done for not putting up with it.

The pining is hard, and when the anger kicks in that'll be hard, too, because he'll still be in your life even though he's not, iyswim. But it's all processing, and it's what helps make sure you stay free of losers like this.

That's also why the Freedom Programme is so good. It helps you see just how wrong the behaviour was, even the stuff you thought was normal - particularly that.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: