Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why do the men in my life always cheat on me?

(31 Posts)
Lifeistoohard Sat 27-Jun-15 10:02:08

Feeling really down - have had 3 serious relationships in my life (1 marriage with children) all ending with infidelity :-( During my 15 year marriage my exh cheated on me with a friend, a work colleague, who knows else, anyone he could find who was willing. I was completely unaware of this, very naive, never thought that someone would treat me that way. Now my latest relationship is over after 2 years, we were talking about moving in together, growing old together but I found out that he has met someone else (younger) a month ago and has been secretly seeing her and am quite devastated. I told him abut my exh and how dreadful that was when I found out, yet history is repeating itself :-(

Is it me? I'm not unattractive and I keep fit, I'm a bit shy but fundamentally a nice sociable person, I like sex (though need to relax a bit first), why do the men I love always prefer someone else? I have good female friends who like me but men seem prefer a sexier, more confident woman and that is not me. I'm feeling quite terrible about myself, would appreciate some wise words if anyone is there. I have cried so many times now about men cheating on me, I never expected life to be so hard.

Sickoffrozen Sat 27-Jun-15 10:39:43

Just unlucky. Don't blame yourself.
You just got with the wrong men.

Newtobecomingamum Sat 27-Jun-15 10:52:03

Do not be the victim any more, these idiots are not worth your energy or even worth thinking about any more. You need to find strength from somewhere and start to build a more confident you not to get a man but just for you.

Take time out from men and start building that confidence, self respect and self esteem. Get into exercise/join gym, organise a girly weekend break with your girlfriends, start a new hobby, do an online life coaching course to build your confidence etc! Keep your social calendar busy with all these fun activities to try and distract this negative way of thinking.

The minute you start working on you and not concentrate your energy on these dead beat men and worrying about it all, you will feel a lot happier about yourself.

You are the only one that can start to make positive changes. It's very easy to remain down beat and get swallowed up in the why's, what's, ifs and why me etc... This is why you must Chanel the negative energy into making positives in your life.

You can do it flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 27-Jun-15 11:01:50

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Why have you gone for ultimately the same types?. What you have tried to date has not worked so a whole new approach to relationships is needed.

Why do you feel so terrible about yourself; this will also tend to draw low lifes like the men you have describe to you. I think counselling for you would be a good idea as would a read of the website called "Baggage reclaim".

holdyourown Sat 27-Jun-15 11:32:38

Don't blame yourself. You may be attracting the wrong people eg by being too nice/making allowances, or it may be luck of the draw.Either way no-one can excuse cheating or blame the person being cheated on. Lots of 'sexy' people get cheated on anyway eg cheryl cole, and lots of very quiet nice ordinary people do not, it has nothing to do with that. I found a book called 'the human magnet syndrome' helpful recently, because of having attracted selfish men and understanding why/how to change that. Good luck OP flowers

ocelot7 Sat 27-Jun-15 11:52:46

Given the propensity of too many men to cheat this seems to be the price of being in a relationship for many women (or so it seems on MN)
We are also more likely to find out about infidelity since we started to use mobile phones/texting. But now that women are less likely to be financially dependent upon men it is easier to choose not to put up with it.
I may have been cheated on less but I have spent long periods not in a relationship which has often not been fun either!

rosesareviolet Sat 27-Jun-15 13:26:11

Don't see the cheating as a reflection on you. So hard to do, I know. But it's very true that the root of his behaviour is not that you aren't sexy or confident enough but rather a fundamental weakness in his personality including an inability to appreciate the woman he has and a lack of depth to his character. Id rather have a deep and meaningful relationship any day than cheap sex with cheap people. Clearly, your various partners are much, much more shallow.

My exh cheated on me, one of the women was I suppose sexy on first impressions. Younger, tartier, but I knew who she was vaguely and the whole package wasn't sexy. Apparently her house was filthy and I always noticed that she walked like a! Some of the others that he slept with were out and out not attractive. I'm sorry to say. I'm sure they had nice personalities...maybe...but what this all showed me is that it is not the other woman or level of attractiveness or sexiness of the other woman, Ken like that literally just want to jizz in anything, big tits, supermodel, plain Jane, scummy whatevers. It's shallow and base to be so directed by your sick. Don't waste another thought on it. The are men out there who have standards and when you move on from these scummy losers you will attract the right of luck. Many of us have been through the horror, heartbreak and insecurity of this. You'll realise soon enough x

pocketsaviour Sat 27-Jun-15 13:36:16

How many LTRs have you had? Because you've only listed 2 occasions when you've known a partner cheated.

Most men will cheat, given the opportunity.

I've had 5 LTRs and 4 of them I've known cheated or attempted to cheat (in one case my colleague came and told me he'd tried to bang her.)

Bear in mind if you're choosing people who are a bit dumb or completely non-technical, you're more likely to find out they've cheated. It's much harder to hide an affair these days, unless it's with a colleague.

EducationalWelfareMakeMeCry Sat 27-Jun-15 13:44:23

Because many people in relationships cheat for many reasons.

In your case you may want to look at why you choose to socialise with so many people who have no respect for you.

Tillyscoutsmum Sat 27-Jun-15 13:57:50

I'm in a not dissimilar position except in my case, I ended up marrying all of them. So I am now a thrice divorced (almost) 40 year old with 3 ex husbands, all of whom cheated hmm

It is difficult not to blame yourself or worry you're attracting the wrong types. I still think that I was possibly partially to blame for husband no. 3 cheating (not enough sex - young family - caught up in being a "mum" and not paying him enough attention), similarly, husband 2 was probably just the wrong "type".

I also, however, think there is an element that A LOT of men (and women?) do cheat in long term relationships and that they're either not found out or their spouses are, for whatever reason, willing to stay with them. I either married dumbasses or I'm just very intuitive (lots of practice!) and like a dog with a bone when I do begin to suspect. I am also not willing/able to get past it. I did try with ex h. We had counselling. I took responsibility for my part in it but I know that I just couldn't emotionally or physically move on from it. My dm even tried to tell me that it was just part of the "for better or for worse" element of the vows confused

It's hard. I have a very busy, fulfilled life. Lots of friends, a new career and two young dc's. I do date (etc.!) but do have serious trust issues. I'm not sure whether I could ever let myself be in a serious, long term relationship again :-(

Reese123 Sat 27-Jun-15 14:42:53

Why does it have to be your fault - it really is not. It is these jackasses fault - there is nothing wrong with you- I'm sure you are lovely.

I've been in that situation where I blamed myself, felt sorry for myself. But, there are nice guys out there - trust me and once you pick yourself up you will meet someone worthy of you.

WhySoAngry Sat 27-Jun-15 16:51:09

Most men will cheat, given the opportunity

A LOT of men (and women?) do cheat in long term relationships


It's not about you, OP, it's just human nature.

Janette123 Sun 28-Jun-15 22:53:33

Life is too hard, you are being too hard on yourself.
None of this is your fault.

I have had six serious relationship in my life, 3 of the guys cheated on me and one guy dumped me to go back to his ex-wife.

You'll never stop anyone cheating and you can't "affair-proof" any relationship. All you can do is to be aware it can happen and deal with it when it does.

People who cheat lack internal moral integrity, so be glad they cheated and revealed who they really where. Now you can move on to something better.

This blog may help ;-

Kiwiinkits Mon 29-Jun-15 03:59:10

It could be because you act like a victim. Let men think they are better than you. And generally undervalue yourself.

The way you treat yourself and talk about yourself is how people (all people, not just men) will treat you. So start with your own self-esteem and work from there.

Also (and I hate to say this) but sex is a very very very powerful thing. Know your sexuality; know how to feel it; don't be shy in the bedroom; get dirty. Basically, know how to harness your own power. It is intoxicating for men.

DrMorbius Mon 29-Jun-15 07:52:03

Wow pocketsaviour so Most men will cheat, given the opportunity, thats a fairly pessimistic view. I take it you are not in a relationship (with a man).

IMHO - The vast majority of men cheat for one of two reasons.
a) Cheat to get out of a relationship.
b) Not sexually satisfied.

Twinklestein Mon 29-Jun-15 08:02:08

Most men will cheat, given the opportunity

Oh ffs.

Twinklestein Mon 29-Jun-15 08:08:26

OP, it's not that you're attracting the wrong men but that you're choosing the wrong men.

Why did you choose these particular guys, and what was it that you saw after they cheated that you didn't see before?

Essentially you misread them.

The good news is that you can learn from these experiences and evaluate men more thoroughly from the start.

DrSethHazlittMD Mon 29-Jun-15 09:04:26

As a man, thanks for the sweeping generalisation, there, Pocket

In my immediate circle of friends (I am now in my early 40s) three marriages have broken down as a result of discovering a partner had cheated. In all three cases, it was the women who cheated.

Do I now think "most women will cheat, given the opportunity"? No. Because I have a brain.

Lifeistoohard Mon 29-Jun-15 23:19:42

Thanks for all the responses - I really really appreciate them. I had quite a bad weekend, children with ex-h until today, and I was on my own and it all got too much, I just couldn't face the world or even reply on here but I read the messages and they kept me going.

And Kiwiinkits, of course you are right, i don't really value myself at all. Its quite depressing to think what a doormat I have been and how much I have accepted from my relationships (mainly the 3 serious relationships which involved cheating). And of course I have rubbish taste in men, I will have think about why I think I choose these men who say the right thing, but who lie to me. I am naive but somewhere inside I think, I must have known when exh was out all night (because his best friend really needed to talk to him or some other excuse) and came home in the morning and showered and was shifty the next day and had got strange messages on his phone. But he always had a good excuse and I wasn't prepared to confront him, and then it just became normal.

Its really sickening to think thats just what people do, I mean cheat on their partners - it makes me so sad that someone you love can treat you with so little consideration. I hope that there are men somewhere who aren't like that. But then I think even if there are I am insecure about my sexuality, I don't know how to be a sexual person at all, and I wouldn't be attractive to such a man anyway. I tried my best in these past relationships, I gave everything I could, I was never good enough :-(

Right now I feel like the mother from Muriel's wedding, very sorry for myself as you can probably tell, but I don't have the stomach for it anymore. At least I have my children, they are my life, they love me for who I am. I think I will have to give up on having a man in my life ever again, I am not good enough for a relationship.

DrMorbius Tue 30-Jun-15 07:49:34

Hi Life - sorry you had a bad weekend. I tried my best in these past relationships, I gave everything I could, I was never good enough :-( thats because whatever you gave was never going to be enough to guys with a pre-set agenda. Your only fault was accepting relaionships with guys who (deep down) I suspect you knew were unsuitable.

I think I will have to give up on having a man in my life ever again, I am not good enough for a relationship. There in a nutshell is your issue, you seem to have very low self esteem. This means the guys you atract and possibly your behaviour in the relationship is being massively effected by your lack of self esteem.

OK so you have made some bad choices and you have developed a certain pattern of behaviour. But you are not only "good enough" for a relationship you are "good enough" for a happy, warm, rewarding relationship. There are lots of people on here to advise the right course of action better than me, but your project should be to raise your self esteem. Get books, enroll in programs, see a councillor, join a gym (work and your rmind and body). You need to start to build yourself. Forget about men for the time being.

I am insecure about my sexuality, I don't know how to be a sexual person at all, and I wouldn't be attractive to such a man anyway, again work on this aspect of yourself. Learn to understand yourself. I know its a generalisation but in my opinion, we (men) don't expect women to be raving sex goddesses (after all we are more than acutely aware we are not raving sex gods). It OK to say I have never tried that, or I dont think I am any good at this etc. Just learn to have fun and show confidence in sex (as well as life), learning new things with a partner is bonding.

Become confident in yourself and learn to value yourself, explore yourself. Set your boudaries and do not let your standards drop, ever. IMHO the vast majority of men (or women) do not cheat. There's lots of good guys out there, just waiting to meet you. :-)

Twinklestein Tue 30-Jun-15 09:37:15

I think I will have to give up on having a man in my life ever again, I am not good enough for a relationship.

That's the opposite of what you should be taking from this. You have been too good for the men you've been in relationships with, they are the ones who haven't been good enough for you.

You wouldn't lie, you wouldn't cheat, you trusted them, you loved them, you have better ethics, better values than they have.

The lesson to take from this is how to learn to assess someone's character, to recognise red flags before you get into a relationship with them. And find someone who truly shares your values rather than just paying lip service to them.

Sometimes life teaches us very painful lessons, but that's no reason to give up. Just accept the lessons, learn from them and go forward with a deeper understanding of ourselves and other people.

Ignore Moribus' advice to 'work' on your sexuality. Bollocks. You're absolutely fine as you are. You don't have to be a 'sexual' person, many men are not. You don't have to turn on the red light and act like a sex worker to please a man. How many men are actually sexy? Very few. How many men spend time 'working' on their sexuality? DIY - yes, xbox - yes, sport - yes, sexuality - not so much. Some, many in fact, don't even manage not to look hideous, or even stay clean.

In short, you need to accept who you are and how you are and find someone on the same wavelength.

DrMorbius Tue 30-Jun-15 10:00:33

Twinklestein - its funny how you see my post as Bollocks, but I believe I was actually trying to say the same as you. OP stated I am insecure about my sexuality My point was to Learn to understand herself. Meaning that if she is not sexual, but understands that, then that is OK. She will not then chase a false ideal.
I even added (men) don't expect women to be raving sex goddesses

Twinklestein Tue 30-Jun-15 11:19:22

You said: 'men don't expect women to be raving sex goddesses',

and in the same breath you said: 'Work on this aspect of yourself', 'learn to have fun and show confidence...'learning new things with a partner'.

She doesn't need to work on her sexuality, she doesn't have to 'learn' to have fun, she doesn't have to learn 'new things.'

Sex is not a fucking trade.

She is absolutely fine as she is.

DrMorbius Tue 30-Jun-15 11:42:47

Well I don't wish to be pedantic but You said: 'men don't expect women to be raving sex goddesses' and in the same breath you said: 'Work on this aspect of yourself.

Actually that was not in the same breath. You constructed those sentences out of order and hence out of context.

Does swearing at me make you feel better?

pocketsaviour Tue 30-Jun-15 12:14:27

Guys I'm sorry if people feel offended but I'm just going on my own experience.

The reason I said "most" men cheat and not "the vast majority" or "nearly all" or "all" is because I believe more than half of men will or have cheated. Not in every relationship they ever have, probably, but at least once in their lives.

This survey, slanted towards a male readership, shows 58% of men saying that they have cheated and a further 7% said "its complicated", which I'm guessing means they did but felt justified maybe?

2500 respondents so a good sample size.

To answer DrMorbuis's question: no I'm not currently in a relationship. But I no longer expect sexual monogamy from partners anyway. I think it's unrealistic for me.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: