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Husband of a year has severe depression and has left me :(

(23 Posts)
dreamingofmynextsleep Sat 27-Jun-15 09:44:24

Talk Mental health
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.
Husband of a year has just walked out of my life...3
Yesterday 01:16 dreamingofmynextsleep

Literally in turmoil.
My husband and I got married last August after 6 years together.
Not long after this he started to become quite low. Fast forward to May of this year and he hit, what we thought was rock bottom. He cried constantly, wasn't eating or sleeping. Wouldn't leave the house.
I eventually said he was about to risk his marriage over his pride in going to the doctors.
Since then he has been so so up and down, all the while maintains he adores me.
In the last week he has been terrible. I have barely had 2 words from him.

He works nights. I rang him this evening to say I wouldn't be home before he went to work. He finished the conversation with: I really love you. I replied. And he said again, but I really really love you.

Fast forward to 8.30pm when I arrive home to a letter on the table saying how dark he feels and how bad he has been. That I am a truly wonderful, kind, caring woman and how much he adores me, how he wouldn't be who he was without me...

He has asked me to move out. Saying he needs time alone to work on himself but that I am still is wife.
He has said he will take over the rent and all bills and that I need to go and do all that I missed out on whilst I was with him.

He has said that he doesn't know how long it will take but that I have to find someone that loves me.

I'm so heart breakingly confused. If he had left me because he doesn't love me anymore.. I could understand this a little more?

But for him to go on to say: I adore you more than I could ever put into words, I have never had anyone know you like I do, I have never felt more comfortable with you or in love with anyone and I'm about to make the worst decision of my life by asking you to walk away.. But I need you to.

How do I respond to this? How do I walk away from someone whom I adore and who clearly adores me?

How do I make such a final decision.. He admits he is in such a dark place - then do I allow him to make such a final decision; move out, take all your stuff, go live your life: but you are still my wife and one day something will bring us back together.
How do I take this?
Am I wrong to ask for some space for a few weeks, to regroup and go from there?
Or do I move out, take my stuff and allow him this space whilst living my life..?
I'm heartbroken. Utterly heartbroken. Because he is truly one of the most wonderful, charismatic, intelligent, funny and kind hearted men I've Ever met but he cannot see it...

dreamingofmynextsleep Sat 27-Jun-15 09:49:20

Sorry... I originally posted this in mental health and appear to have copied more than the just the post but the mumsnet stuff also..! Sorry. My head is all over the place!

RandomMess Sat 27-Jun-15 09:54:24

Is he taking medication? If not drag him to the Drs and get him to start on that road (it can take months to find ones that help)

Then I would want some joint therapy. He may be afraid of telling you how utterly awful he feels and how you deal with it so having a therapist there should help improve communication.

Whether you move out or not is up to you. You could turn around and say "I don't want to leave you because I love you. I want to be with you through this and see you into a better a place"

He probably has a very long road ahead of him and the person you love may not ever be the same again but for now it sounds like you want to stay together and are willing to see it through.

dreamingofmynextsleep Sat 27-Jun-15 10:03:15

He has been on fluoxetine for a
Month now.. But in the letter he left he stated he was going to go back to the doctors and have this increased (as it was clearly making no difference) and also start counselling this week... He has said he doesn't want me around him when he finally finds out who he is and that he is scared of who he finds in his counselling sessions... He had quite a dramatic and rough up bringing and although I know a bit about it, he has never ever gone into detail.. So I'm left wondering if something truly terrible happened to him as a child that he has wiped from his memory.

In regards to moving out.. He has been saying to me for weeks that I have to leave him, that I don't deserve this life with him and that I am truly miserable with him and I have repeatedly told him I will not leave and that yes I am not happy but that is because it's so utterly heartbreaking to see your husband and partner of 6 years slowly disappearing in front of you. But that I loved him and I wanted to support him...
However, I feel this is such a huge decision for him to make, I can't ignore it. I feel, if I love him, I have to allow him this space and that this is merely the next chapter in me supporting him; just from afar right now.

I'm hoping with everything that I am, that the next 2 weeks of no contact, the 4 counselling sessions he has booked in and the increase in medication will make him think clearer.. A little more logically perhaps. And even after these 2 weeks if he isn't ready for me to love back in, I at least want to see him or speak to him regularly to know he is ok... Because right now I'm fighting everything instinct I own to run to him and hold as his wife, because he is so scared and frightened and alone. It's truly breaks my heart.

Luckily, I have an incredible family who I am ever so close to. I am currently staying with them.. I just hope this isn't long term. My heart just hurts right now sad

Piffyonarockbun Sat 27-Jun-15 11:47:26

to me it sounds like the depression talking. he feels so low and worthless that he feels he isnt enough to make you happy. ive never been as depressed as he sounds but in low moments i have wondered why my dh loves me and if im holding him back because while he is with me he is missing out on being with someone good and worthwhile.

i know that these thought are irrational though and luckily i dont get them much anymore. your dh is clearly unable to see this as irrational and thinks its perfectly logical. i think the time i have felt most logical in my life is when i was very low. so many things made sense, ridiculous, flawed thinking that seemed completely sensible. terrible ideas seemed like completely logical solutions. he will probably believe he is being completely rational and it is only when he is out of his depression that he will realise.

i dont have much experience with things like this but just on reading your post that was the first thing that crossed my mind. i hope it all works out for you thanks

annandale Sat 27-Jun-15 11:53:39

Early weeks on antidepressants are dangerous things seem to get worse before they get better. My advice is from experience as dh has severe MH problems. Tell him that he seems very low and you are concerned about him. Then ring his gp out of hours and tell them that your husband has started fluoxetine 4 weeks ago, seems more depressed, that he has asked you to move out and you are seriously concerned about him. Do this in front of him if you can but in this case I wouldn't ask him, I would just do it.

TheQueenOfSheba Sat 27-Jun-15 11:59:59

I think he's got a bit of a cheek asking you to move out, tbh. Where does he expect you to go?

Newtobecomingamum Sat 27-Jun-15 12:43:24

Hi,

I just wanted to throw a different perspective out there.

I have suffered from severe depression in my life and I know everyone's circumstances are different... But I honestly think him asking for you to move out is not out of order or unreasonable. If he is seeking medical intervention also (this is critical) and feels that by you moving out he can help rebuild and get himself in a better place (he has told you how much he loves you etc and he needs to do this for himself) then you should do it. When you are depressed, you need space and unfortunately loved ones can make it feel worse (although it's because they care) when sometimes you need to try and deal with it yourself and need time.

You have done the right thing by giving him space and time by moving out. Depression can make you feel embarrassed and ashamed and having people witness it (especially your loved ones) can make you feel worse. He just needs this time to try and heal himself and deal with his issues. He's doing this for himself and for you. If I were in your shoes, every 3/4 days just send a txt to say that you love him, will always be there for him and will wait for him as long as it takes. This will show your support and love but without going laying your concern on to thick (which doesn't help and can make him feel guilty).

You sound amazingly supportive and I'm sure with time and your love things will get better for him.

brokenhearted55a Sat 27-Jun-15 12:55:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess Sat 27-Jun-15 12:59:42

I too am the sufferer of depression and I do understand why he wants you to move out. In addition to what Newto has said having to deal with a relationship on top of taking antiDs and having therapy can just be far too much to deal with. He may want the space to rant and rage and scream and cry without having anyone around.

I'm sorry that is harsh to have to write.

It may not be the end of your marriage but temporary separation may be the best thing for him and then when he's more recovered you can decide together about the future of your marriage.

Newtobecomingamum Sat 27-Jun-15 13:12:04

When you have depression, it can get so frustrating when people and loved ones keep trying to tell you what to do and what's best! Sometimes we know what's next for ourselves and if that means needing space and time to ourselves that's what we feel will help us.

People may view it is being selfish and not understand it, but you must do whatever it takes to support someone that is depressed. Someone who has never suffered from depression can never ever possibly imagine how awful it is.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 27-Jun-15 14:05:20

Did he suffer from depression prior to your marriage?

If not, the fact that he became depressed shortly thereafter suggests that he may regret having married.

Any such regret may be linked to a damaging experience which occured during his 'dramatic and rough upbringing' and low self-esteem has combined to convince him that he is not worthy of you

Nevertheless, his insistence that he "really really" loves you but you have to find "someone" that loves you suggests to me that there may be things he should have told you before you married.

This could be some deep dark secret(s) from his past which he believes makes him unworthy to be around the "wonderful, kind, caring woman" that you are, or it could be that he is involved with another woman and he is attempting to let you down gently because he's too cowardly to be honest with you.

I sincerely hope that all is as other responders (above) have said but, although it appears you have agreed to 2 weeks of no contact, I would suggest you send him a letter, as distinct from an email which he may not read, saying what you've said here which is that you are 'fighting every instinct I own to run to him and hold him as his wife, because he is so scared and frightened and alone and it's breaking your heart to be away from him.'

I also sincerely hope that he can resolve his issues in the near future and that you can continue your married life together.

Plarail123 Sat 27-Jun-15 15:03:27

Dear OP, 9 years ago my husband of 18 months did this to me. He was v v depressed, there was a suicide threat, I called the police. He was in The Priory for 3 weeks and got the help he needed. We have seen each other twice since then during the divorce and sale of house. He is now remarried with two lovely DDs and I am remarried with a DS. We are both better people and weren't meant to go the distance. (Together 5 years before marriage etc.) You will both get through this.

dreamingofmynextsleep Sat 27-Jun-15 16:30:23

Thank you all for your messages.. It means a lot to know that I'm not the only one that has been through this so soon after marriage.

My husband did suffer with depression soon after we got together, but that managed to "man up" and get on with it - his words not mine. And was ok. He was heavily involved in the planning of the wedding and was the one that proposed.. So in the grand scheme of things, it could never have been seen as me being the driving force up the aisle.. He wanted that. He is also a very stubborn man and if he didn't want to get married, or do anything in life, it most certainly wasn't going to do it.

We have a very honest marriage, spend time apart but also time together - when our hectic shift patterns as nurses allow us.

I have had various friends feel real anger towards him in recent months regarding his behaviour at times, directly and indirectly towards me.. But I know him. I've known him a long time.
I genuinely believe he isn't seeing anyone else.. He just about musters the energy to say hello to me most days.. Keeping 2 woman on the go would just be impossible with how he is at the moment.

In regards to moving out.. He would never have said that if he knew I had no where. I'm from a massively support and unbelievably close family; the eldest of 4. He detailed how he felt about us in the letter he wrote saying that he has never met 3 sister who are so entwined like me and my 2.. And as it happens, they have a spare room in their house anyway.. So I would always have somewhere to go regardless.
Also, in a good but strange way.. I've grown up around depression and suicide. 6 family members have committed suicide on my dads side and my dad is a manic depressive whilst also being one of the strongest, kindest most wonderful man and father.. So I've seen what it takes to support him - my mum is as equally strong and wonderful as he is... So I have their support and complete understanding in the situation.

The whole thing would be easier to walk away from if he didn't love me.. But how do you walk away from someone who states that "this is probably the worst decision I will ever make". I've got to do it.. If it means he gets better.
Surely I would be the selfish one to insist on staying knowing that it could undoubtedly get worse with me around?
I've got to give him that time to breath and clear his mind. And if he comes back to me at the end, then I believe we will get through anything.. If not, I just hope I have him back as my Dave, but as my friend instead.. You know?
Clearly got my logical head on right now.. If illogical me was thinking is be balling my eyes out lol

But yes.. A letter is something I am working on. One that doesn't pressure him into loving me and coming back but equally showing him I'm still here if he needs me..

Regardless, my heart is breaking for him sad

annandale Sat 27-Jun-15 17:00:18

I still think his doctor needs to know that he is making out-of-character decisions and showing further symptoms of depression and muddled thinking 4 weeks after starting antidepressants.

dreamingofmynextsleep Sat 27-Jun-15 17:04:56

Very true.. That's on the list for Monday!

RandomMess Sat 27-Jun-15 17:05:10

I agree you need to tell his GP.

Also do you realise that you have sub consciously sought out the familiar pattern of your parents - you playing rescuer to a depressed partner?

annandale Sat 27-Jun-15 17:06:03

Why not today?

This may be influenced by my local support services as it's actually easier for GPs to get access to the mental health crisis team at weekends than during the week.

Newtobecomingamum Sat 27-Jun-15 18:09:50

I'm confused by some of the comments stating that he is making out of character decisions? Asking OP to move out for space?

Most antidepressents take 6-8weeks to kick in, they do not work automatically and it's often they have to be changed until the wright pill and dose is agreed.

Will the doctor speak to you about his condition, it's patient confidentially.. Unless ... he's a danger to himself (sorry if I have missed this) or anyone else?? He doesn't sound this way.

Newtobecomingamum Sat 27-Jun-15 18:10:13

* right

Newtobecomingamum Sat 27-Jun-15 18:18:36

I have re-read your post and he actually sounds like he is being proactive with the medication side of things... Stating that he felt his current medication wasn't working (although as stated earlier I mentioned most take 6-8weeks) and that he was going to go back to the doctors. This is a fantastic sign that he is taking action in doing something about it.

I don't think you should be contacting the doctors behind his back... You could mention when you next speak to him how did the appointment go etc and if not generally suggest he go back and see GP if the tablets are still not helping.

To me it just sounds like the poor man needs a break from everything... That's all he's asking. This isn't an unreasonable or strange request warranting "out of character behaviour" just needing space. If there is more to it that I've missed sorry... But that's how it reads to me.

cestlavielife Sat 27-Jun-15 20:17:46

Do go to gp because you need some support too. Read "depression fallout:. Tell gp and or a counsellor your worries and concerns. It is his battle but you are involved too. Don't shy from getting support for yourself.

cestlavielife Sat 27-Jun-15 20:21:29

And you can also set the boundaries.
Ok I will move put for two weeks but I wNt us to meet with a counsellor at the end of those two weeks.

So it isn't a final thing and you get a chance to say and feel too. You are entitled to your views too.

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