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Deciphering boyfriend's attitude towards his sister

(14 Posts)
KoalatyControl Sat 27-Jun-15 09:27:15

I just wondered if anyone thinks this is a sign of emotional dickheadry...?

Due to a previous EA and controlling marriage to a mummy's boy, I am probably hyper aware of red flags....

Background...been together 10 months, treats me really well, it's gone pretty slowly as we have both been badly burned but I have been really happy. He is close to his parents but not really his sister, he says mainly due to differences in lifestyle etc (she is vegan, he smokes meats is just one example of how they are polar opposites)

I have met her a couple of times and we got on well. She added me on FB. When we met, she mentioned she had messages BF to ask us for a drink and had no reply. We both put this down to busyness and general uselessness.

So she messaged me to invite us to a drink with her and her new partner.

BF doesn't want to go. Says he doesn't get on with her and he doesn't want to get close to another one of her BFs only for her to "fuck him off".

I was surprised. Turns out 31yo sis has had 3 previous LTRs. The second one BF really liked. And his DSis dumped him in her mid-20s for quite a spurious reason, which was of course entirely her choice! She was young!

Talking to him, he seemed to really have developed a low opinion of his Dsis for having 4 LTRs.

I couldn't understand it and it makes me wonder if this is symptomatic of a general bad attitude towards women? Which TBF I haven't noticed before but then, he's on his best behavious isn't he.

I just didn't like his attitude

Meow75 Sat 27-Jun-15 09:34:17

I don't want to come out of left field here but until 2011, my DH thought my brother was ok, not against socialising with him, etc. then one day an event forced me to tell DH the truth about why I hate my brother.

He emotionally, physically and sexually abused me throughout my childhood although the sexual stuff was only when I was about 8 or 9. Now, my DH understands why I wanted to be NC, and we are.

Incidentally, my DH was sceptical about my ex-SiL's version of events in her marriage until I revealed all. Now he has no doubts.

Just saying ...

Twinklestein Sat 27-Jun-15 09:56:15

I think you're right to have doubts. No doubt you've heard of the 'waitress test', well he's failing the sister test.

She's had 4 ltrs - so? That's not very many. Does he have some weird prudish/misogynist idea about women and sex? Why's are her bfs his business?

He seems to be making his relationship with his sister & indeed her bfs, about him.

I think you're right that he may well have a bad attitude to women. You and his sister are divided into the woman he approves, and the woman he doesn't (it could be the whole Madonna/whore trope). He's projecting all of his negative ideas about women onto her, while you are off the hook... for the moment...

wonderingsoul Sat 27-Jun-15 10:28:46

or he could just not like her. just because hes family doesnt mean they have to get on.

does he slag her off and call her names? or does he just not want to hang out?

I fail to see how any one could class his asabiabusive just from whats in your op and its dangours to jump to them conclusion s

Haffdonga Sat 27-Jun-15 10:43:57

Is his problem with his sister's 4 relationships either:
-that he thinks they were all good blokes that his sister has fucked around and treated badly?
- that he thinks his sister is somehow behaving like a trollop for failing to marry as a virgin to the first man who holds her hand?

If it's the former, perhaps he does have good reason to keep his distance. He knows her better than most people, obviously. Maybe she is a damaging or manipulative person. Perhaps he doesn't like seeing her hurt people. Perhaps he just doesn't like her very much.

If it's the latter, RUN. Obviously.

BuildYourOwnSnowman Sat 27-Jun-15 10:52:41

Sibling relationships can be incredibly complex and it may well be that e can't fully explain why he doesn't really like her.

This wouldn't be a red flag for me at all.

His general attitude to women would be a better indicator.

Meow75 Sat 27-Jun-15 17:37:09

Sorry, should have elaborated.

I'm not suggesting inappropriate conduct like my brother (def no DB here) all I meant to say was that this lifelong relationship (for one of them) might have broken down on his side for a reason that he has not made you aware of.

YaTalkinToMe Sat 27-Jun-15 17:44:53

Could there be other reasons which he does not want to talk about so makes up these stupid ones?
If not I would not like his attitude either.

MimiSunshine Sat 27-Jun-15 18:02:58

Siblings don't have to be best friends or even like each other.
I wouldn't go overly out of my way to hang out with mine (we're pretty polar opposite) doesn't mean I'm going to treat my boyfriend badly.

If he got on well with her ex sounds like he saw the ex as a friend who was treated badly (in his eyes) rather than the BF of his sister.

Personally I think you're reading too much into it and while you're free to develop a friendship with his sister you shouldnt try to make it a foursome, see her separately and take his lead on when he wants to spend time with her

BonnieNoClyde Sat 27-Jun-15 18:09:18

I would probe a bit there. He is entitled to not want to see her as often as she wants to see him, but judging her because her relationships have ended is something I'd need to know more about (in your shoes). Eg, if the relationships ended because they grew apart, she was cheated on, they weren't gettting on........ and yet he blames HER for not just sticking it out or something confused that would be odd. Does he feel a woman owes it to her partner to put up with a lot. Does he feel that it's a man's prerogative to end a long term relationship.

I've also been in an abusive relationship and I'm very vigilant too. I don't see it as bad per se though. I think I just see what other people would see eventually. I see it quicker.

TheNewSchmoo Sat 27-Jun-15 19:55:44

One of my brothers is a twat and I avoid his company at all costs. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend

Yarp Sat 27-Jun-15 20:46:16

I think it's intrusive to try and forge a friendship with his sister when you know nothing of why he doesn't like her.

She could be manipulating you.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Sat 27-Jun-15 20:52:42

Some siblings just don't get on. They don't have to. My DH would hate socialising with his sister and boyfriend, although she would love it. I stay out of their relationship to be honest.

cleanmyhouse Sat 27-Jun-15 22:56:19

I'm coming down on the side of 'his complex sibling relationship, his business' and it not necissarily being a sign of anything. Unless you see him having a shitty attitude towards women in other ways.

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