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Friendship gone stale- what to do?

(6 Posts)
shoefetishter Sat 27-Jun-15 09:00:45

A very old close friend, but for a long time I have found her behaviour hard to stomach. She's had marriage problems for years, filed for divorce several times, dropped it, been in counselling for years, been emotionally and physically abusive to her DH (hit and kicked him once ) - she has a terrible temper- but it's never HER fault. I've tried to remain neutral when she tells me about their issues but a lot of the time I think she's over-reacting or being selfish , though I do accept he's a moody bugger and doesn't meet her emotional needs at times. Years ago she made a decision that impacted on their lives and he's been expressing regret. she's been very callous about this saying he's just got to get over it. There is more...but don't want to detail for anon reasons. He's not blame-free by any means. But overall, it's always 'his' fault. I've tried to be supportive but it's hard and I feel now she's changed from the person I knew years ago. I've stopped contacting her as much but I really don't know how to handle my own emotions because my feelings for her have completely changed. I suppose the options are to carry on being a friend but less involved in her life or tell her what i think- which would mean the friendship was over.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 27-Jun-15 09:11:41

Stop contacting her at all, maybe? And if she contacts you, stop 'remaining neutral' - no need to be hostile, but feel free-er to express your opinion of her part in her problems. And if she gets the huff & stops contacting you, there's no decision for you to make!

shoefetishter Mon 29-Jun-15 15:08:16

I'm resurrecting this to ask for some guidance.
One other issue I find hard is that the friend here is unreliable. We had a big row some time back over what I saw as her lack of effort - not making time to see me and often not phoning when she'd promised to. I know this is not a major problem compared to others on this forum and the last thing I want it to be up my own.

The latest example is that I phoned her on Friday morning and we chatted for a while but she had an appointment to go to so had to cut the call short. She promised she'd call me over the weekend. She didn't. This happens time after time (over years) and when she does get round to calling she is always 'sorry' but the reasons for not calling tend to be time spent with other people. She could easily send a text or whatever to say sorry, she was busy. If this was a one-off, fair enough but out of all the times she promises to phone on a certain day, she manages it maybe less than 50% of the time. I don't treat people like that and I don't like being treated in this way. Other friend sometimes can't call when they say they will and I accept it because there are usually good reasons, and it's not on-going behaviour. With this friend it is.

what next?

Walkacrossthesand Mon 29-Jun-15 19:52:53

Stop calling her. Seriously, just stop. As and when she calls you, chat politely but don't make any plans. If she starts off on a 'poor me' pity party, draw the call to a close because you've got stuff to be getting on with. Detach. It sounds like you're still fretting over why she isn't a better friend - she just isn't!

Lweji Mon 29-Jun-15 19:55:51

Why are you obsessing so much about this friend?

My friendships are not this complicated.

JulyKit Mon 29-Jun-15 20:00:21

Good question from Lweji.

It doesn't seem that this friend is bearing on your life much - from what you say she's hardly around at all, so why the worry? It seems as if you can easily let things slide and then get back in contact if and when you feel more that you wish to engage in this friendship.

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