Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Pregnant fiance left me(8 Posts)
Bit of a long story but I'm absolutely heartbroken and looking for some subjective advise. Obviously there are always two sides to a story but I'm portraying things in a fair manner as I want fair advise. I must warn you this is not a shakespearean play or plot from a soap opera although it feels that way
My fiancé and I have been engaged since May and we tried for our baby around December last year with her falling pregnant in February. Both of us were very excited. She has dual nationality UK/USA and I have a UK citizenship. We have been together 2.5 years and lived in the UK since then. It has always been a shared aim that at some point we'll emigrate to the US. I'm 28 years old and she's a year younger.
Shortly after our engagement I took a two week business trip to the US partially to work on an inter-company relocation to the US and partly for business meetings. On my return to our family home in the UK I noticed my fiancé had changed slightly. A few days later I had planned routine surgery she brought me back home. That night a minor disagreement was blown out of proportion and she announced she was leaving for 5 days and left taking her passports and jewellery. Obviously this was upsetting for two reasons; first that she was walking out and second that I was supposed to have someone with me for 24 hours. (The procedure I had wasn't very pleasant and I had some "pre-cancerous" polyps removed. I only found out they were pre-cancerous earlier this week and I haven't mentioned anything and she hasn't asked about the results). That was at the beginning of June.
Since then we've gone through the second week in June where she moved back in albeit temporarily. Oddly enough when she was back we discussed what we disagreed about and agreed that on both sides we probably could do more to support each other. Fairly simple stuff that had been overlooked but nothing major, eg focus more quality time together. Things were also fine during that period and we had a nice time together. That weekend I had a planned trip away on the Saturday and on my return I came back and found the house half empty of her possessions. It was pretty obvious as the cupboards were half full and our large suitcases had disappeared. I challenged her at this point and after some time she told me she'd booked a one way ticket to the US, had handed in her 4 week notice at work and was planning on selling her car. At this point she moved out again and I was pretty shocked and upset.
The following week I tried to engage in some dialog with her and she again was seemingly ok and stayed home again for a few nights and instigated sex which I thought was a bit odd. However being a man I didn't manage to resist the temptation. The next day she left again which upset me more.
Which brings me back to this weekend just gone where when I went out in the time that I returned this time the entire house had her possessions removed and literally nothing but a black bin liner of unwanted clothes was left. I've been left to take that to the charity shop.
So at this point I'm kind of numb, shocked, upset and probably in denial I suppose. She has said that she wants to go back "home" to the US for some time to think things through and decide if she's coming back or not.
This is absolutely destroying me internally and I feel like I'm having my heart sliced into multiple pieces. I'm upset that one she seems to have suddenly stopped caring, that she's likely leaving/not coming back, and importantly that I'll be removed from the baby's life. I know for a women being pregnant is something that's there with you everyday but for a man the excitement isn't just looking forward to when the baby is born it's the run up to it, seeing the bump grow, feeling the baby move, creating the family environment etc. I feel like all of this has/is being taken away from me which is hurting me badly.
The strange thing is during May we got engaged and our relationship had been great. Every other day I had a post on facebook or text to say I was loved and so on. And then all of a sudden it's stopped.
Now I know pregnancy alters the hormones a bit but for me at the moment I feel like the women I loved and wanted to marry is totally different and I'm constantly being hurt and played with plus the fact everything has been put in motion for her departure. I have tried everything so far from dialog, speaking with her family (not to keen on supporting), writing a letter. Now I'm to the point that I wonder if I need to start thinking about me before I self destruct. Tomorrow I am going to our 20 week baby scan and I know it's going to be upsetting in the back of my heart not knowing if I'll be able to play an active part in the childs life or even see the baby. In all of this I just want what's best for the baby which is so sad
Sorry to hear your relationship has ended.
Do you reckon she felt unsupported in her pregnancy? You went away for two weeks, you needed her support after an operation. You talked about your problems, which boils down to her issue being lack of support and quality time. Then you go away for the weekend without her, and come home to a half empty house. Did you realize then that she might have needed more from you than just reassuring words?
She's seeing someone else. I imagine there is also the possibility the baby isn't yours.
Sounds to me like she's taken legal advice in that she's going while she's still pregnant and you have no legal rights to prevent it as you would if the child were here.
The completely cutting you off and blowing hot and cold would indicate to me that there was someone else too I am afraid.
It also would appear that she is returning to the US before you are married, so you cant get a spousal visa?
QuintShhhhhh he could still get a K1 fiance visa.
I agree with NickiFury. I'd say there's either someone else, it's not actually yours, or she's getting cold feet about the relationship and someone has mentioned to her how hard leaving the country will be if she gives birth there (or takes the child there) so is having the child in the US where she has more control "that's the child's "home"" etc etc
I'm sorry for your loss.
I agree about her leaving country while pregnant so the father has less control. I would like to hear her reasons for leaving you but your main issue now is her taking your child to another country, legal advice!!
If she is having any doubts at all about the relationship, it makes sense for her to go to America and give birth so she has more flexibility where she lives post birth.
I am not condoning her not talking this through with you. It's possible that she's met someone else but it's also possible it's her future freedom of movement on her mind. For example, parents are advised to think carefully before becoming ex pats in eg Australia as one parent can then prevent the children returning with the other if the emigration doesn't work out.
Join the discussion
Please login first.