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Tonight I've realised I can't go on like this

(28 Posts)
DementedSwan Fri 26-Jun-15 22:25:30

I think I'm in an abusive relationship, possibly it's my fault too...

We took the dc out as a treat, local playground/ beer garden. Kids playing happily, everyone had a drink and a packet of crisps. One dc asked to try mine, decided they liked them so I have them the packet. Dh goes off on one says they were his crisps and dc should give them back, cue dc crying. I explained it was my packet but he was adamant it was his despite his empty packet sat right in front of him.

Dc ask for a push on the swing - he stomps off muttering when will I get a fucking rest.

He constantly badgers me for sex, granted I put it off as I don't like the way he talks to me and dc. If he gets sex he's happy. Perhaps I should give in more often.

I don't know, I'm confused and frightened for the future, I don't want to live like this, those are just tonight's examples, sounds trivial but the looks on his face �� he's now snoring on the sofa as if not coming to bed is punishing me.

This is day in day out.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 26-Jun-15 22:30:19

Oh honey, please don't think you should 'give in to sex', sexual intimacy with your partner should be a mutually consenting satisfying experience, not a way for one party to get off or he'll end up grumpy/mean.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 26-Jun-15 22:31:00

Btw your partner sounds horrible. It's him not you

Imnotaslimjim Fri 26-Jun-15 22:31:53

I hardly ever say thing, but LTB, this is not a healthy relationship and it is totally not your fault. He's an arse

TrousersRoastingOnAnOpenFire Fri 26-Jun-15 22:32:54

You sound so sad. It doesn't have to be like this.

When was your last happy day?

Morselover Fri 26-Jun-15 22:37:04

I feel sad that you blame yourself in any way. This man is a bully. If you don't feel respected and safe then it isn't right. Have you a way to talk through your choices?

MrsEvadneCake Fri 26-Jun-15 22:37:38

It's not your fault and you shouldn't have sex if you don't want it.

He sounds really unpleasant and abusive.

DementedSwan Fri 26-Jun-15 22:40:36

I don't know. it's all about him, i keep the house sparking pick up after everyone, the dc are bathed fed in pjs having quiet time when he comes in from work at 6. He expects them to sit in front of TV till I take them up to bed at 6.40 for stories and lights out at 7. And me to listen to him go on about work and grope me

Lweji Fri 26-Jun-15 22:45:40

It's not your fault at all.

You have realised that it can't go on. What do you want to happen?

regretsihaveafew Fri 26-Jun-15 22:47:28

He's a controlling, bad tempered, spoilt childish misery of a man.
Don't ever have sex if you don't want to.

Personally I couldn't live like that and I wouldn't. Your life is precious, don't waste it.

Bahh Fri 26-Jun-15 22:51:17

Is he dcs dad?

DementedSwan Fri 26-Jun-15 22:52:58

I want to leave, I do t want my sons growing up in this environment. But he holds all the cards. I'm on ESA on mortgage and he has taken out s lot of debt. I've no where to go. When he works away dc and I have a Lovely time

DementedSwan Fri 26-Jun-15 22:54:15

Yes he's dc dad been Married 13 years

DementedSwan Fri 26-Jun-15 23:26:55

Just checked on dc, they are 4 and 3, good sleepers I'm not expecting them up before 8.30 which is a good lie in with young dc. He's asleep on the sofa no doubt shouting at dc in the morning and giving me the cold shoulder

Lweji Fri 26-Jun-15 23:57:35

It may be difficult, but not impossible.

Is the debt only on his name?

Do you have anyone you can talk to and support you?

TinyDancer69 Sat 27-Jun-15 00:27:44

I really feel for you and your poor DC. Tonight is your first step in taking control of you and your DC's lives. Is this how you want to live? Do you want your DC to see their mother treated like this? Leaving won't be easy, I know. But I have just left a nasty, abusive bully and it is hard and money is very tight. But I can breathe again and that makes it all worthwhile. You know you're happy with your precious children when he isn't around. So you know you can do it. Get financial and legal advice and make a plan.

The wonderful ladies on here will advise and hold your hand. flowers

SolidGoldBrass Sat 27-Jun-15 00:31:47

Talk to Women's Aid, they will help you work out the best way forward. If he's bullying the DC and making them cry over packets of crisps just to show that He Is The Boss Of The Family it's only going to get worse. Even if they say they love him (and children do tend to love abusive inadequate parents as well as good ones: they just wish the parents were capable of loving them back) they will be better off without him in the house abusing you and them.

RedandYellow24 Sat 27-Jun-15 00:39:24

It's great that you can start to question how things are and if this is "normal". But it's not normal to live with someone you don't want sleep with and will badger you for sex and feel like you have to for peace. He sounds really miserable, not many parents would snap at their child over half a packet of crisps that's just kids for you. Making them cry is just mean. A child asking for their dad to push them on the swings should be fun not excuse to swearing it's a great hardship.

I can sense the tip toeing around you mention and the relief if he's away this is a clear signal that you are happier without him.

Get some advice re benefits and housing at least your not in immediate danger so you can take your time and planning. You can be happy on your own don't waste years of your life putting up with it x

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay Sat 27-Jun-15 06:42:02

Get some legal advice. You will know where you stand and that will make you feel better and more empowered. Don't take his shite longer th\n you have to Demented

Morselover Sat 27-Jun-15 07:58:40

I woke thinking about this. You sound so sad and desperate. Do you want to get away? Because you can. There are ways, but it will take planning and a little patience and some help. His debts are his problem. But if you don't want to get away is there a chance of repairing anything? Is there a reason for his anger and selfishness, such as worrying about debt? Legal advice is free if you need it. I'd suggest talking with a solicitor , many offer a free half hour. Know your options. Talk to the citizens advice bureau or Samaritans for some local advice. You're going to need somewhere to live. And remember, if you're married and have a home then you and your children will get a significant chunk of that if you leave. Don't tolerate this any more. You're entitled to be happy

Janette123 Sat 27-Jun-15 08:05:38

How old is this guy? He sounds like a spoilt brat, not a man and he's a selfish sex pest as well.

Please take steps to get out of this situation.

And yes, you are being abused.

pocketsaviour Sat 27-Jun-15 16:35:14

We took the dc out as a treat, local playground/ beer garden

Let me guess. If you suggested taking the kids to an actual playground, he would sulk and whine and refuse to go. He was only interested in going because he could drink (and you could drive home, or it was close enough to walk.)

How close am I?

Eatmyshorts1 Sat 27-Jun-15 20:17:26

I've just read this and it exactly mirrors my life - bad tempered partner, stroppy all the time, I work all week but dread the weekends when he pesters for sex after sleeping on the sofa all night and week (comes up early wakes me up) I cannot bear him - I can't offer any advise, but I'm. Putting money in a separate account that he knows nothing about (my escape fund) Good luck x

DementedSwan Sun 28-Jun-15 16:59:55

Thank you for your replies, sorry I've not been back on. Had a busy weekend with dc.

He offered me a lie in this morning if I had sex with him - I declined.

He's been fine today, insisting I test while he does the housework.

DementedSwan Sun 28-Jun-15 17:00:15

Rest!!! Not test blush

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