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help me face my toxic parents at my grans funeral

(16 Posts)
kidsndogs Fri 26-Jun-15 13:07:28

title says it all my dad is a paedophile my mum is a narc i want to say goodbye to my nana but i'm in turmoil i have not seen them for six years and i can feel a meltdown coming on

magoria Fri 26-Jun-15 13:14:24

You do not have to go to the funeral to say your goodbyes.

You can go and do so alone before. Do your own thing to mark the occasion or visit after.

My mother and I have already had this discussion due to my sister..

Alternatively take a big friend who will take no shit and have them bodyguard you.

schlong Fri 26-Jun-15 13:17:46

Appalling situation to be in. Is it absolutely vital that you go? To face them there would detract from your nana's death iyswim. Surely you can bid her farewell privately sparing you the upset and stress of experiencing your toxic parents again. Alternatively can't you get the banned? Are other family members aware of their toxicity?

kidsndogs Fri 26-Jun-15 13:21:15

if i go i will take dp and ds they both know and will back me up but im rapidly turning back into the terrified child at the prospect of this but the furious adult in me does want to say goodbye with dignity and respect for the amazing woman that my nan was.

MerryMarigold Fri 26-Jun-15 13:22:33

I think if your nana was alive she wouldn't want you to go through this for her. It is am important part of the grieving process, but maybe you can go the graveside after or ask if you could be there to scatter the ashes. I wouldn't go, personally. I assume the test of your family will understand why.

MerryMarigold Fri 26-Jun-15 13:25:14

And certainly don't allow any confrontation with your parents. It's a funeral. Ignore them. Get DP to constantly repeat to them, we are not talking about this now. If you think it will become a confrontation then definitely don't go.

kidsndogs Fri 26-Jun-15 13:27:03

only my dp and children know even my golden child brother does not know my eldest minimizes a lot youngest son and dp totally support whatever i choose to do i just wish i want so torn

GoStraightGoStraight Fri 26-Jun-15 13:28:51

I agree with magoria and schlong, but if you feel you really have to go, and be seen to go, then just arrive late, avoid eye contact and conversation, sit away from them and leave immediately afterwards. If anyone asks why just tell them straight that you cannot be in your parents' presence, you came to say goodbye to your gran and now there is nothing else to stay for. Then leave quietly and without a fuss. If you can avoid having to explain anything to anyone and just slip away quietly then so much the better. Absolutely no public meltdown necessary unless you allow yourself to get drawn I into attention seeking dramas.

A similar thing happened to me at a Relatives funeral. It was fine. I politely stood my ground and left quietly as soon as the crematorium part was over. It can be done. If you can't avoid/cope with people asking 'are you coming back for the wake?' Just say yes and then slope off and go home instead.

kidsndogs Fri 26-Jun-15 13:29:25

my father can turn me into a terrified manipulated child with a glance mother pretends we are a fabulous family and im just a black sheep to be pitied i just dont know what to do

DPotter Fri 26-Jun-15 13:35:22

Would it be possible for you to say your Goodbyes to your Nana at the Funeral Directors rather than at the funeral ? I believe most Funeral Directors allow family members to view the body (not necessarily recommending this). You could go with your DP & DS and says goodbye in privacy

MillyMollyMandy78 Fri 26-Jun-15 13:37:59

OP i think if you feel that you have to go to the funeral (and why they stop you if that is what you want to do?), then i agree you get there as late as poss and leave straight afterwards.

I am so sorry for your loss and that this is complicated for you by your parents. I have not been in contact with my parents for over 2 years now (except DBs wedding) and my grandma is frail and in her 90s so I fear I may have the same problem in the near future. Hope the funeral goes ok for you and glad you have your DH and DS's support

Walkingthedog46 Fri 26-Jun-15 13:47:00

As Magiria says, you do not have to go to the funeral to say your goodbyes. When my Mum's beloved sister died she was unable to attend the funeral because of the distance involved and her own ill health. So she and I went into a local church at the time the same the funeral was taking place and talked about our memories of her. It was much less stressful than attending a funeral yet we felt we had said goodbye in our own way.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 26-Jun-15 14:06:47

Magoria is right; you do not have to go to the funeral to say your goodbyes. Your parents also will likely make the funeral all about them and how they are doing. If you are going to be terrified in their presence (which is understandable) as well then this is also good reason not to attend.

I would be having a word with the funeral directors in such circumstances to say your goodbyes.

kidsndogs Fri 26-Jun-15 14:23:28

thank you i just knew i would receive wise words and comfort here just feeling so torn in two and grief stricken she was the only person in my family who loved me no matter what i will miss her so much.

Joysmum Fri 26-Jun-15 14:32:06

Ditto the others.

You say goodbye in whatever way you feel best suits your relationship with her...chances are that won't be the way somebody else has organised it to be wink

If you do feel the funeral is the best way to say goodbye then arrive last, sit at the back and leave first flowers

rumbleinthrjungle Fri 26-Jun-15 17:33:28

I'm so sorry thanks I would really consider not going, it's not what your gran would have wanted you to endure for her and you won't be able to have your thoughts on her and saying goodbye to her anyway.

My DM was unable to get to her mother's funeral, no one's fault, she just wasn't able to travel. We talked to the local vicar - never met her before but she was absolutely lovely and offered at once to come and sit with DM during the time of the funeral or to meet her at the church, to read the funeral service with her, whatever would help. Why don't you think about that? Your own special celebration of her life that isn't tainted for you.

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