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Relationship with mother whilst going through divorce with dh

(10 Posts)
Nevergoingtolearn Fri 26-Jun-15 11:30:03

I split up with dh 3 months ago after being miserable for years, dh was emotionally abusive, we rarely did anything together and he wasn't a great dad to the dc's, basically our marriage (for me ) was over years ago. My dm knew how miserable I was and often told me to leave him, when I finally did I thought she would support me but she hasn't really at all. At one point I was so low I wanted to self harm but she would not support me. Now I'm feeling more positive and have more confidence and I want to draw a line under the marriage and move on, I want a divorce as soon as possible but my dm thinks I am rushing things and should wait a couple years, she's got to the point where she refuses to talk to me if ask her for any help or advice, she also refuses to talk about me seeing other people and gets really narky with me, she thinks I should stay single and concentrate on my dc's (I have always put the dc's first but I don't understand why I can't have something for me too ).

I feel sad that I can not talk to my mum about anything, I don't really have anyone else to talk too. I just want her to be happy that I am moving on and feeling better about myself. I have met someone that I really like, I know it's very early days and I'm taking things very slowly, I know she thinks 3 months after breaking up with dh is way too early and to most people it probably is but I feel my marriage was over years ago, I have been lonely for years, why can't she just be happy for me?

pocketsaviour Fri 26-Jun-15 11:50:47

I'm sorry sad My mum has been horribly unsupportive in the past and it really sucks.

I left a passive-aggressive alcoholic man-child after 7 years of unhappiness and met my late H. Not saying he didn't have any faults, but at the time he was just what I needed. But according to my mum I was making "a terrible mistake". Why? Because the first had money and the second didn't hmm

I haven't really got any practical advice beyond "don't expect support from her in future". It's horrible to realise this about your parent, but at least you know where you stand. Sorry, I know that isn't much help confused

brassbrass Fri 26-Jun-15 11:51:29

you've got yourself this far I think you should stop expecting any support from her. Whatever her issues are with this they are not your problem as you have enough to deal with.

Just concentrate on yourself and stop giving her any information.

If it comes up for discussion in the future you can remind her that she back tracked on telling you to leave and withdrew any support that you might have benefited from at the time.

And you deserve to be happy. End of.

firesidechat Fri 26-Jun-15 12:02:12

What kind of support do you want that you aren't getting?

From your op I would guess that your mum is worried that you are rushing things. If my daughter was talking about new relationships 3 months after a marriage breakup, however nasty the husband was, I would struggle a bit with that. A bit of time to get over the pain, sort out the practicalities and get on an even keel again would be what I would want for her, not rushing into another relationship. Even more important if you have children.

brassbrass Fri 26-Jun-15 12:08:46

her DM is saying OP should wait a couple of years to divorce.

OP's has been dead for years which DM knows about!

firesidechat Fri 26-Jun-15 12:16:04

I'm not saying her mum is right, just that the final ending of the marriage may still take a while to sink in for other people. The op has lived the marriage and she has come to terms with it ending and it seems like she made the right decision, but there are children involved too.

How quickly can you even get divorced? I'm genuinely not sure of the rules these days.

brassbrass Fri 26-Jun-15 13:00:52

The new relationship and the children are a red herring. OP hasn't said she's going to rush into anything. She puts the DC first.

Her DM was aware of the difficulties in the marriage for years and told her to leave but is now saying wait a couple of years to divorce.

What a head fuck!

Nevergoingtolearn Fri 26-Jun-15 13:21:34

I don't want a great deal of support from her, I would just like her to be happy for me and support my decision to divorce dh. I know 3 months may seem too soon to get into another relationship but when your marriage has been over for a long time ( which really it has ) it doesn't feel too soon to me. Dh has basically just been living in my house, he had been sleeping on the sofa for years, we rarely did anything together and I parented the dc's ( he's a much better dad now he has moved out ), the first few weeks after he left were tough but that was because I felt guilty for the dc's, I know deep down I had done the best thing for them and myself. The divorce will just make everything final, it could take up to a year anyway, if I wait 2 years and then apply it would be 3 years before its final. I don't plan on every getting married again, I don't plan on moving a new man into our house or rushing things, I just want to have something for me and feel happy ( this man makes me feel happy ). I would just like my mum to support me by saying 'I'm pleased your happy' and for her to understand that I need to divorce dh.

I can see why she might be worried that I'm jumping into things, tbh she's never supported me much, when I split with dh she said she would help out with the dc's but when I ask her to have them for a hour she says she's too busy or too tired to help out.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 26-Jun-15 14:11:01

Why can't she be happy for you?. Its perhaps because your mother actually likes seeing you unhappy, that makes her feel "useful" and "needed" and she can exert some power over you as well.

If you want to draw a line under your marriage and apply for a divorce then that is up to you; your mother should have no influence or say in that process. Its not her marriage after all.

Stop talking to her about your marriage because she cannot and will not support your decisions. It is NOT your fault she is like this.

Offred Fri 26-Jun-15 19:37:08

So you have a mum that basically thinks you are wrong whatever you do? I kind of have one of those. Things changed when I stopped expecting her to be supportive or taking her 'advice' and did what I thought was best for me and stopped talking to her about my life. She is a lot more supportive now, possibly because it is the only way she can interfere - I, as you can tell, mainly regard her with suspicion though we are much friendlier when she is nicer to me, which makes for a happier overall relationship. I generally maintain suspicion and withdraw myself and DC when she is not being helpful.9

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