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Is it me?

(16 Posts)
bubbleandboos Fri 26-Jun-15 11:04:09

I've been with my other half for nearly 3 years and we've recently moved in together. For context I have children from a previous relationship who he is fantastic with so no problems there.
My issue is that my OH seems somewhat detached and dismissive of my feelings. I'm not sure if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill or if it is not acceptable behaviour from him.

One example: if he upsets me or anything like that he makes out like I'm the unreasonable one who can't take a joke and I should stop being so miserable. This stems from things such as when we are in bed I will try to come on to him for sex, he will repeatedly move me away or just laugh and block me away. I will then be upset and say if you don't want to then just say no instead of blocking me. Instead it's then turned into a big thing where he says he's joking or he doesn't have to be all over me all of the time ( just to add I am not needy and I do not wish to have him all over me all of the time however he rarely kisses me or holds my hand so I think he is making an unfair statement here) or he's too tired and when he gets into bed he is there 'to sleep'. His words.
I've said to him that I am not a mind reader and if he never comes on to me then how do I know if we can be intimate?

Obviously sex isn't the only issue here such as sometimes he'll call me a miserable bitch (later on says it was a joke) he never says sorry sincerely and if I ever cry he tells me to stop fucking crying.
Am I mad or is that incredibly insensitive?? All I want is a cuddle and some intimacy. I'm with the children all day and look forward to him coming home for adult chat etc.
I feel like he finds it easier to dismiss my feelings on anything but this is making me resentful as nothing is ever sorted out properly.

So is it normal for someone to be this detached?? Some days he is lovely and affectionate and other days he enjoys winding me up to the point that i'm hurt/angry. What should I do if anything?? (Sorry for long post!)

pocketsaviour Fri 26-Jun-15 11:22:36

So. he's:

- Sexually withholding
- Shows no affection to you
- Calls you a miserable bitch
- Belittles your feelings
- if you are upset, tells you to "stop fucking crying"
- actively enjoys winding you up for fun, then gets angry with you for reacting

What should I do if anything??


Honestly, you're worth so much more than this. Even ONE of that list would be a deal breaker for me.

He will undoubtedly start abusing your children soon. In fact he is already abusing them by abusing you - you can't be the mother you should be if you're frustrated, angry and hurt all the time.

Joysmum Fri 26-Jun-15 11:30:52

It is not normal to be upset or concerned if your partner is upset.

It is not normal to not want to reduce their upset by talking things through and working out between you how they could do things differently AND if you can too.

This is missing from your relationship so it's not a strong one.

Either the relationship changes to incorporate this or you need to get out of it, other it will crush you sad

maras2 Fri 26-Jun-15 11:34:30

OMFG.Get rid of this pig of a man.In 40 years of marriage my DH has never called me names.How can you say that he's great with your kids when he calls their mother a bitch?As for the bedroom rejection stuff shock. I'm sure that you deserve much better.

JulyKit Fri 26-Jun-15 11:35:01

What you describe sounds like bullying - 'mild' bullying, perhaps hmm, but bullying, nevertheless, with the bully's tactic of heightening the effect of their behaviour even more when you try to stand up to it - or even acknowledge it - by telling you that everything that they do is fine and normal and you are the one creating problems.

What he's doing is not OK. You're not being 'oversensitive'. He is being disrespectful, and also dishonest - he won't address whatever 'problems' there are in the situation. He just makes them worse and then blames and bullies you. Not OK.

JulyKit Fri 26-Jun-15 11:36:35

And maras2 is absolutely right WRT his relationship to your DCs and the way he treats you.

bubbleandboos Fri 26-Jun-15 11:50:38

Thanks for all of your replies. You are so so correct in regards to the bullying especially, although I feel that I have gotten so used to this (and my ex was similar) that it had clouded my judgement.
Alot of thinking on my part is going to be done and you are right, if things don't change it will affect the children and grind me down more and more. I am not a perfect partner and I do wonder if it's a family thing as his brother is very similar with his OH?
This post has definitely put it into perspective for me.

bubbleandboos Fri 26-Jun-15 11:54:38

I meant to put I am not a perfect partner but I do not see why I have to put up with this either. I certainly do not find the name calling acceptable. sometimes it is as a joke and it is funny and I will say something back etc etc but other times it is at inappropriate times that hurt me.
His mother once said to me she was convinced he has autistic traits, I wonder if she was correct as he does retreat into himself and like things in certain ways (not that that would excuse hurtful behaviour)

LadyBlaBlah Fri 26-Jun-15 12:22:15

It's hilarious being called a miserable bitch by your partner.

Come on OP, you know we all love it.

Seriously, you don't have to put up with it. You are lucky enough to live in the United Kingdom where you have the actual freedom to walk away from shit like this.

squishee Fri 26-Jun-15 12:55:40

It's not you OP, it's him.

Please read the sticky Right, listen up everybody at the top of the Relationships board.

And then ditch him forever.

ALaughAMinute Fri 26-Jun-15 13:17:43

If he's emotionally and physically detached then it doesn't sound like he wants a relationship with you, let alone the abuse! shock

You deserve better than this. Get rid!

Cabrinha Fri 26-Jun-15 18:20:07

So fucking what if it's a "family thing"? Who cares? Doesn't make it acceptable.
He's a nasty bully.
Do the Freedom Programme - sounds like having an arsehole for an ex has affected your judgment! You think this is vaguely normal.
It isn't.

amarmai Sat 27-Jun-15 00:18:34

It's disturbing enuf that he treats you badly, but more disturbing that he treats your children well. Did he marry you to get access to your children? Leave and do your best to prevent his having access.

Janette123 Sun 28-Jun-15 23:20:35

He is abusing you full stop.

He minimises your hurt by telling you are "too sensitive".
He calls you names.
He tells you to "f**cking stop crying".

He is emotionally and psychologically wearing you down.

Please leave - you deserve better than this.

TRexingInAsda Sun 28-Jun-15 23:49:04

You just described most of an abusive relationship - none of that stuff is 'normal' at all, and it's certainly not kind and loving. Of course leave. x

ImperialBlether Sun 28-Jun-15 23:55:40

He's horrible. Really horrible.

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