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Divorce lawyer advice

(17 Posts)
Poptart01 Thu 25-Jun-15 19:19:06

Hi I'm 8 months pregnant and my husband has left me a week ago because he has fallen out of love with me. He has met someone who he likes and has admitted to an emotional affair. However very adamant they have not had an affair, despite him being out an extraordinary amount over the last 2 months and distancing himself from me in everyway. He now wants a divorce and to sell our house and split the assets. This would me I would move into a flat with our baby so that he could take his money out of the property. I want to stay in the house until our child is 18 so I'm looking for a great lawyer to help me with this and also to hear if anyone has had a similar battle and how they won/lost. Thanks

FuckitFay Thu 25-Jun-15 19:23:00

Hello pop star so sorry to hear about your situation. Whereabouts in the country are you? You might want to repost in legal as well.

Mumfun Thu 25-Jun-15 19:50:52

better to repost in divorce section. and dont worry so much about proving adultery as most likely wont make any financial difference. flowers

Poptart01 Thu 25-Jun-15 20:05:05

Ok thanks I will repost to that section. I live in greater london

goddessofsmallthings Thu 25-Jun-15 20:15:50

Are you working/on maternity leave and will you be able to afford the mortgage if your h is not contributing? If so, you may be able to buy him out for a sum to be negotiated which is advantageous to you.

Don't pin your hopes on being able to remain in the marital home until your dc is 18 as these orders tend to made where the dc are settled in local schools and moving would be disruptive for them.

FuckitFay Thu 25-Jun-15 20:48:45

North or south London? You'll get slightly better value for money if you don't go for the Central London lawyers. PM me if you like and I should be able to give some recommendations

Poptart01 Thu 25-Jun-15 20:48:53

Hi thanks for that info, I am on mat leave and have luckily saved enough to cover a few months before going back to work, after originally saving for 12 months. I wouldn't be able to afford to buy him out. But could afford the mortgage when I get back to work. Do you know if the courts force me out?

Poptart01 Thu 25-Jun-15 20:50:39

Hi fuckitfay I'm south london. Please send me the details if you know anyone good - thanks

goddessofsmallthings Thu 25-Jun-15 21:43:00

If a Court orders that the marital home be sold with a split of, say, 60/40 of the proceeds of sale in the dw's favour, any such Order can be enforced in law.

But don't get ahead of yourself as, while a decree nisi can be obtained relatively quickly after a petition to divorce has been filed, it can take some time for the 'financials' to be negotiated through mediation if the parties cannot agree between themselves and an absolute won't be granted until this issue is resolved.

It may be worth talking to your solicitor about whether applying for a legal separation would be more advantageous for you than petitioning for divorce... you could say you want to leave the door open for reconciliation or some such but, of course, you may prefer to get shot of him once and for all.

With regard to buying him out, if the sale of your property returns a sum of say, £50,000 after the the mortgage has been repaid a 60/40 split would only require you to pay £20.000 to him which you may be able to raise through the mortgagees.

Of course the actual sums related to your property may be considerably more or less than this example which is only intended to give you food for thought.

Divorce can be an expensive and, as you are unlikely to qualify for legal aid, you could give consideration to formulating and filing your petition online and using a solicitor who specialises in divorce/family law to negotiate financial settlement, his contact with your dc, etc.

I trust you'll be able to find a solicitor who offers a free initial consultation
so that you get some idea of where you stand without having started the meter running, so to speak.

Poptart01 Thu 25-Jun-15 22:29:57

Hi do you think 60/40 split would be likely. Is that a common settlement that's reached for the DW in these situations. I would prefer this to take its time if possible so that time has healed the heartbreak and I am able to deal with this.

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 25-Jun-15 23:36:56

Nothing should surprise me on here anymore but I am shocked how cold your OH has been and left you a few weeks before your baby is born. I really hope you have RL support flowers

goddess has given good advice. My divorce has taken over a year so far and I expect my Absolute any day now. Sorting out the financials can take a lot of time but be careful too as my legal costs have gone into the thousands.

Have a realistic idea of what you will accept and what you need to live on and then take it from there. Leave a little room for negotiation but try not to let it drag on as you will have to weigh up the settlement versus the legal costs to get there.

I hope you are well otherwise and wish you all the best for the birth.

What an utter a.hole!

goddessofsmallthings Fri 26-Jun-15 00:55:08

I would go for a 100/0 grin 80/20 split on the property on the basis that you will be the primary carer for your dc and settling the dc into daycare and returning to work will leave you with little time to househunt and moving will be disruptive to your newly established routine and you may need to find another nursery/childminder if you can't afford to buy in the same area etc.

Depending on your individual circumstances, you could set your baseline at 70/30 but always ask for more than you're prepared to accept as you might get it and, if not, you'll have some haggling room which can be used to make the other side believe that they've scored the winning goal instead of an own goal. smile

Please note that the above is not to suggest that you shouldn't wing your plan to remain in marital home until your dc is 18 by whichever solicitor you consult.

Regardless of what your h has told you re his affair with the ow, if you've got a name for her I suggest you tell him that you intend to divorce him for adultery and will be naming her as co-respondent as this can be used as a bargaining chip - i.e in consideration of x y or z you won't name her.

Don't overstress about finding a shl now as there's no need to rush and a free initial consultation with any solicitor who specialises in divorce/family law - which usually lasts around half an hour - is all you'll require to get some idea of where you stand. Take a list of your queries and check them off as you go along, but don't forget to make notes of the answers!

You should also ask about the possibility of obtaining an occupation order which will prevent him returning to the marital home as and when he may wish to do so. While you may entertain some fond notion of reconcilation if his affair proves to be shortlived, you are best advised to make your home your castle in order to get the message across that you are not to be trifled with - you haven't had all of this devastating upset just for him to come crawling back only to do it again with another ow in a couple of months/years time.

Once again I re-iterate that there is NO NEED for you to rush or commit yourself to one firm of solicitors thereby beginning to rack up legal costs at this point in time as the most important item on the agenda is that you are safely delivered of your dc and are able to enjoy stress free time wtih him/her before putting your mind to the practicalities of divorce.

Needless to say, I share buds opinion of your spouse and I, too, hope you have rl support from friends/family members. I would also urge you to rest up and get as much sleep as possible before the birth.

Do come back with any further queries you may have.

WellWhoKnew Fri 26-Jun-15 02:43:46

Hey there. Sorry to read that you've found yourself married to a twat. I hope that you're doing okay nonetheless.

If you want to take your time - leave him to divorce you. I know you'll be thinking "but I've not done anything wrong" but it relies on him getting his act together. He may be quite useless...

He'll divorce you on the grounds of your unreasonable behaviour - which can be as ridiculous as you like - e.g. she spoke to a man. A MAN shock. It's a bureaucratic process, which inflames the situation, but has no impact on the financial outcome.

2) Any split you get is down to what you negotiate. Mediate first (even though you might not feel like's compulsory), however, again given the timing, and the potential harm to your unborn baby caused by stress, you can stall the process with very good reason! If I were you (and clearly I'm not) I would write and say that you need at least six months post birth before you are prepared to discuss divorce.

If there's not much to negotiate about, then use solicitors sparingly and do as much self-rep as you can. A so called 'simple' divorce costs around 5K - 10K when solicitor-led to give you some idea. Add 5K - 10K for each court visit if using solicitors/barristers. Clearly this is a rule of thumb: should you find yourself to be amongst the multimillionaire part of the population add at least a zero to those figures.

A good place to start is Family Law Made Simple by Slater and Gordon, which is available in paperback and e-book. It explains all the ins and outs of the rollercoaster of divorce. Clearly it pushes a solicitor-led divorce, but nonetheless it's very useful for all of us first timers to the process. Other helpful places are wikivorce and david terry's divorce forum (googleable).

On a personal note: take as much care of yourself as you humanly can. Surround yourself with support, ask for help, only accept 'real' help (not good intentions...) and never believe a word of what 'he says'*. It's usually crap.

(*Or 'she says'...because cheaters aren't known for their relationship with the truth).

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 26-Jun-15 08:25:35

Hey, I've never been called buds before, I like that smile

In my situation, I was advised not to name the OW as it could mean that she would then have a say and possibly defend the divorce which would take time.

However, later down the line when court was threatened by my a.hole STBXH, his solicitor said that as I hadn't named OW, her income could not be taken into account when looking at a settlement which was crazy as his outgoings were reduced by 50% instantly by being with her and mine had increased by 50% for him not being with me.

Google Marilyn Stowe too. She is a celebrity divorce lawyer and her website has lots of useful advice and documents to download so you don't forget to include things when working out your incomings and outgoings.

I also agree that for you, there is no rush. In the beginning, I rushed to reply to everything immediately but then I realised that I was in no hurry and it was his deadlines I was keeping to - controlling a.hole!

That's not to say delay things unreasonably but in your situation, the health of you and your baby is most important so if things take a wek or two to reply to - so be it.

Poptart01 Sat 27-Jun-15 09:01:26

Hello thank you for that information, i think i will hold off untill the baby is born and not feeding every 2 hours as probably will be too much. I also think the financial split might be for the best, its a shame i wont be able to stay in the home. But atleast it will be a clean slate to start again. I dont imagine he will pay much child support, so would this help my case for the 70/30? As i will really need that money in a way i can trust.

Dowser Sat 27-Jun-15 13:20:14

If your oh brings the divorce he gets to pay for that process and you just pay for solicitor time.

I spent about £7.5 k and he about £10 k

He brought the divorce.

He also racked up £30k of debt which I think he was going to try to stickme with but the judge very succinctly told him that as this was debt he'd incurred after he left the marriage....then it was his.

Up to that point I wasn't aware that could even happen.

If you do go down the divorce route make sure your solicitor investigates his pension properly.

Oh...and just as a little have to fill in a financial FORM E each. You provide a years worth of bank statements, credit card statements etc and there for all the world to see ( but unfortunately not his ow ) was a subscription to a dating site for parents.

Gawd...he was so stupid!

Dowser Sat 27-Jun-15 13:31:53

See three solicitors and see who you think is the best to fight for you.

You only get one bite at the cherry.

Can you ask around divorced friends. One friend said her solicitor was rubbish and her exs ran rings round her.

At my hearing my ex brought in a file that would do rumple of the bailey proud. I remember thinking and when does he think he's going to read all of that.

His solicitor was jumping up and down like a little Yorkshire terrier objecting at everything. He was forever whispering stuff inher ear. I think he would have liked to have been judge and jury all rolled into one and no doubt seen me hang at the end!!!

I would love to see a replay because I bet it is hilarious but was scary at the time.

Thing is his lies had been found out. I took to the court paper evidence. The solicitors go in and see the judge on their own. Then you see your own solicitor to discuss.

Where I thought his solicitor was being very pro - active in front of the judge she was probably on a back foot on account of his lies.

Be open, be honest. Let your ex tie himself I knots. The judges aren't stupid. At least mine wasn't.

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