Really hurt and fed up

[HelloWheels]

I have been with my partner for just over three years. We have a 20 month old DS.
I don't like the way that DP speaks to me. If I get upset about anything he has done, he just gets angry.

A few weeks ago, we went out and he got drunk. DS was staying at his grandparents. I was sober because I was driving. When we got back we had sex, he asked me for anal. I said no, he kept touching my bum hole anyway and he kept slapping my bum cheeks, which is normally ok but he was doing it really hard so I asked him to stop, he stopped for a bit then carried on. I told him to stop. After a couple of minutes he started slapping me again saying that he "had to"!?! I pulled away and he asked if I wanted to stop. I said yes and started crying. He looked at me and said "stop crying!", followed later by "what's the matter?" I said "why would I tell you what the matter is? You've just told me to stop crying! Actually the matter is that you kept slapping me after I asked you to stop!" I left the bedroom and came downstairs and he went to sleep.

A couple of hours later he got up and came downstairs and started sorting out his stuff for work the next day. Then he said to me "don't call the police because I will know it was you" I didn't know what he meant but realised that he was planning on driving back to his house, 15 miles away. I tried to stop him, because he was drunk and I was worried he would crash. I stood behind his car to stop him. He reversed the car into me (very slowly so I wasn't at risk of injury) I stepped back, he did it again, he was very determined to go so I moved and let him go. I couldn't ring the police as his car is a very common make and model and I couldn't recall the reg number so it would have been useless info.

The next day, after no texts or communication at all he came back in the evening very humble and apologetic. I told him to never drink like that around me again.

Last weekend we were away staying with friends. He was drinking on Saturday night but not too heavily. When we went to bed, we were chatting very amicably about stuff. Then he called me a "snob" (which made no sense whatsoever in the context of the conversation and isn't true at all anyway) he then repeated it twice more saying "you are a fucking snob". I ignored him as he was drunk. the next day I said I was upset that he had called me a snob he told me not to be silly, that it had been a joke and he hadn't meant it. I said it wasn't funny and that he had repeated it and added in "fucking" for emphasis. He dismissed my feelings.

Fast forward a couple of days and he annoyed me about something else. I said I was fed up with the way that he was behaving towards me recently and wanted to know what was going on. He asked for an example. I said "well you called me a snob on Saturday" he said I was "being a child" about it. I said that I didn't like name calling, especially from a partner and that if you have upset someone it is normal to try and sort it out rather than dismiss them. He said that he thought I had lied to him about how my marriage ended and suggested that my ExH was the one that left me, because of my unreasonableness. He walked away and went for a shower. That night he didn't come to bed or talk to me any further and slept on the sofa.

Now he is acting like nothing has happened. I don't know what to do. He makes me feel like I am making mountains out of molehills all the time.

A few months ago I said that I don't feel loved by him and he said "you're wrong" and that was it. No hugs or reassurance or anything and I was really upset. Nothing has changed. He barely touches me, very rarely says he loves me. Only texts to ask me stuff etc. I don't know what to do. I feel really unappreciated but when I talk to him he makes me feel like I am just whining.

[Jan45]

He's physically and verbally abusing you and it's only 3 years in, if you dare to speak out, you get shouted at and he storms off pissed or gives you the silent treatment.

He sounds emotionally immature and a complete control freak, why do you even want to be with him anymore, stop asking him to behave like a normal human being, it won't happen, instead kick him to the kerb and find yourself a real man, who actually cares and considers the woman's point of view.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I don't know what to do

Surely you don't need this board to tell you to end this relationship?

As you're not living together, all you need to do is tell him he's binned and come to an agreement re contact with his ds which does not include him entering your home again.

Re his drinking/driving, I find it hard to understand how you weren't able to recall the reg number of his car when he reversed into you twice and you saw him drive off.

[Jan45]

If the OP had reported him, god knows what he would have done to her.

[flimflamflarnfilth]

Please don't waste any more of your time and effort on this subhuman. You're worth so much more than this.

[Inexperiencedchick]

There is no respect from him, and it won't stop. That who he is. If you finish it he will find someone else and will treat them good until he get tired then he will treat that person the same way as he treats you now.

Why?!

Because world turns only around him. He doesn't listen to anyone no he accepts other people's point of view or feelings.

No respect no relationship!

Pp are right. He is an abuser and control freak.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Would you be saying the same thing if he'd driven off over the limit with ds strapped in the back seat, Jan?

The fact is that anyone who drives under the influence is a menace to other road users and that means pedestrians of all ages and drivers/passengers of other vehicles, some of whom may be children.

[Jan45]

Yeah I do know that goddess but he aint alone, it happens all the time I'm afraid and most partners do not report them, fact.

No way am I condoning drink driving, I find it abhorrent actually.

[HelloWheels]

Is it really abuse though? Maybe he's just crap at emotions and communicating?

I honestly couldn't remember his car reg my mind was a total blank until the next day. I was in total shock when I was trying to stop him leaving and I wasnt trying to remember it like you would a strangers car because I thought I knew it.

[Jan45]

It's abuse, maybe not high scale abuse but he talks to you with contempt, hardly the actions of a loving partner.

[goddessofsmallthings]

"Maybe he's just crap at emotions and communicating?^

Has it occurred to you that maybe he's just crap and you don't have to tolerate his abuse?

[HelloWheels]

Other stuff I don't like is he is very mistrustful. If I make decisions on stuff he always finds fault and criticises me. He always criticises my driving, which I challenge him on every time but he still does it.

If he is abusive, would he know he's being abusive? Would he recognise that term and apply it to himself or would he claim to be a perfectly reasonable "non-abuser" who is justified in his every move in his mind because "xyz" etc

I'm just finding it hard to see it as abuse. I feel so sad.

[Jan45]

Ok don't call it abuse, call it talking to you like shit, is that not a good enough reason to bin him, he sounds vile, like he doesn't actually even like you, or maybe it's just women in general.

[HelloWheels]

I keep thinking that if he really properly apologised and declared big love for me etc everything would be ok but I don't think he can change.
I certainly don't feel loved or respected.

[Wherediditallgoright]

You don't have to label it if it makes you feel uncomfortable. But the bottom line is his behaviour is out of order. I bet he would be shocked if you ended it and soon backtrack all lovey dovey. Then angry of course, that's the pattern for a man like this.

[Jan45]

Tell him that whist asking him to shut the door behind himself, if nothing else, it will make you feel more in control, leave it with him to decide if he can/wants to change his attitude.

[HelloWheels]

I'm going to try to tell him it's over.

When I have tried in the past he has ignored me and carried on as normal, I have had PND and haven't felt strong enough to end it. I wanted to feel well before I made the big decision but I think that being with him is maybe keeping me depressed.

[Meerka]

It is abuse.

Plan how to end this. YOu need to stay strong because he's no good for you.

He's also no good for anyone on the road or near it if he's driving drunk. it won't have been the only time and if you stay with him, it'll happen again.

if you -do- decide to stay with him, for god's sake don't have children. You'll be stuck with a man who's got more red flags than the Kremlin and who reversed his car into you when heavily drunk. He wasn't in control, however much it may have seemed like that.

Imagine that if you were pregnant or with a baby or child.

[TheoriginalLEM]

It doesn't matter if its technically abuse or not, although i think it is - what matters is that if you stay with this man it is only going to get much much worse - fuck that and fuck him. Vile pig.

You don't have to try - you just tell him, its over, please leave. If he doesn't leave, call the police.

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

Meerka did you RTFT? Or even the OP?

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

OP whether or not he's 'abusing' you (by your definition), he is a nasty twat who shows you no respect.

He...

• deliberately pushed your boundaries when you said no to anal.
  
• slapped you hard enough to hurt you soon afterwards.
  
• slapped you again repeatedly after you'd asked him to stop.
  
• didn't comfort you or apologise when his degrading and disrespectful behaviour had reduced you to tears.
  
• drove when very drunk, intimidating you into not calling the police.
  
• reversed a two ton hunk of metal into you to intimidate you out of his way. 'I wasn't at risk of injury'... what if his drunk foot had slipped??
  
• insults/ridicules you, minimises your feelings about how badly he treats you, accuses you of lying.
  

When you read that in black and white, do you really need people on the internet to tell you what the best course of action is? Do you want your DS to grow up thinking that it's ok for his father to treat his mother like that?

[HelloWheels]

It's bad. I know it's bad.
I didn't even think about his foot slipping etc when he was reversing.

I feel so stupid to have fallen for him.

[HootyMcTooty]

He can make all the big romantic gestures you're craving, but if his modus operandi is to chip chip chip away at your confidence, self-respect and dignity, you'll end up in the same place anyway. Do you think he wants to change?

[HelloWheels]

I feel sick at the thought of telling him it's over. He will just laugh at me, or get angry.

[HelloWheels]

He has said he would change previously but hasn't changed at all. He promised to be more affectionate, to come to bed at the same time as me instead of hours later after he's been watching shit telly and "fails" on YouTube etc (not porn, I checked)

[MadisonMontgomery]

So don't tell him. Change the locks & chuck any of his stuff onto the front lawn. He'll get the message.