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What's really going on here?

(96 Posts)
MusicIsMedicine Thu 25-Jun-15 13:12:18

Would like to hear some opinions on this. Been with my DP almost 4 months. Fell pregnant (unplanned) in month 1, it was ectopic. I am not on the pill and had been tracking ovulation. I told DP when it was a risky time but he more or less insisted on seeing me that week, but I avoided him anyway and told him why, but I ended up ovulating twice in one month and ended up pregnant.

No sooner was the pregnancy over than we were having unprotected sex again, pretty much by mutual consensus. Even though we both said to each other we are not ready to have a child (yet).

I am 37, no kids, previously single for a few years, previous long term partner couldn't have them. This situation is baffling me as I have never taken these risks with any previous partner. We have been having unprotected sex for weeks again. I was upfront from the start that I cannot take the pill or most other hormone contraception for health reasons. We did try condoms but I am allergic to latex. He is not keen on the coil.

He asked me a few weeks ago during a frank honest chat, was I trying for a baby and I said no. But then it occurred to me to ask him the same question, since he has continued taking these risks knowing how quickly I fell pregnant before. He would not look me in the eye after I asked it and sort of mumbled "no." I even made a joke that he might be trying to trap me and he didn't respond!

Interested to hear people's views on this.

cailindana Thu 25-Jun-15 13:20:25

What's happening is that you're both being total idiots. Have a proper conversation like grown ups and decided something ffs!

Jan45 Thu 25-Jun-15 13:22:39

he does know the coil is for you not him???

You both sound about 13 years old, this does not bode well.

Please go and get a coil fitted.

CatthiefKeith Thu 25-Jun-15 13:23:05

I think you need a reality check. After 4 months he is not really a 'partner' so much as a reasonably 'new boyfriend'.

Have you had STI tests or are you risking your sexual health as well as pregnancy?

Does he have other children?

Why is he not keen on the coil? It should make absolutely no difference to him surely?

For whatever reason, at face value this man seems to want you to get pregnant, and appears manipulative. Personally I would take notice of the red bunting and bin him.

Fudgeface123 Thu 25-Jun-15 13:23:37

Erm, if you don't want kids then take precautions, it's not just him taking these risk and unless he's forcing you, you are responsible too.

Can't believe you're 37 really, you sound like a daft kid

LondonRocks Thu 25-Jun-15 13:24:55

Grow up.

kinkyfuckery Thu 25-Jun-15 13:27:26

Grow up and start acting more responsibly.

Get some latex-free condoms. If he's that desperate for a baby, you don't know who else he's shagging.

RattleAndRoll Thu 25-Jun-15 13:34:37

No offence op, I don't mean this horribly but you sound like a teenager not a 37yo.
You both need to take responsibility for contraception unless you are trying for a baby and I wouldn't recommend this after only 4 months together. Coil doesn't affect him, there's latex free condoms. There's really no excuse. Does he want children? Do you? What happens if you fall pregnant and you find out he doesn't want kids? Or that actually after 4 months you've realised you're not right for each other? Have you both been STI checked? Are you exclusive?
I'm quite shocked tbh that people can be so immature about something like this.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Thu 25-Jun-15 13:39:20

I totally understand at 37 wanting and having a baby is likely to be on your mind a lot. Hormones will be racing trying to over-rule the head. Your ectopic pregnancy will have made the idea of having a baby a real possibility.

But please think very carefully about having a baby with someone you have been with for 4 months. Especially in this situation where you're not really talking about what you both want and where you see things going.

Yes 37 seems like you're getting on (I'm 37 myself!) but you still have time to make sure you have found the right person before settling down and starting a family. Go on a few holidays together, get drunk down the pub, share your hopes and dreams, enjoy each other. Make sure it's right first. Because when you're going through pregnancy and when you've got that baby and then all the times after that, amazing and wonderful though it certainly is, it really will test the limits of even the best relationship.

And please consider STIs!! Have you both been checked before having unprotected sex? If not, please do it now because, like a baby, some STIs are for life too.

missqwerty Thu 25-Jun-15 13:41:14

Why is he so against the coil? I've got it and it's not a problem. Your both taking huge risks, just sort something and be done with it

MusicIsMedicine Thu 25-Jun-15 13:41:32

We did both say we don't really want kids (yet) but we also agreed if it happened, it wouldn't be the end of the world. We're both financially stable.

So I am curious - when does a boyfriend become a partner? Are we qualifying that transition purely by duration of time? If so, when is the magic time that they move from boyfriend to partner?

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Thu 25-Jun-15 13:42:37

One question though: why do you need to 'avoid' each other when you're fertile? Even if there's no contraception you're happy with you can always abstain!!

And he can't 'trap' you - it takes two to make a baby and you're both consenting to having unprotected sex!

Spell99 Thu 25-Jun-15 13:42:43

He's either thinking he'd quite like Children, or he's not thinking at all. I vote for the latter.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Thu 25-Jun-15 13:44:19

Being financially stable is just one element of being ready to have a family. There are many more such as taking time to ensure he person you're with is the right one!

MusicIsMedicine Thu 25-Jun-15 13:44:27

MagicalMrsToffeeLees - thanks for the compassionate response - nail on head really there.

You're clearly setting yourselves up for an "accidental" pregnancy.


MusicIsMedicine Thu 25-Jun-15 13:48:58

We were told the coil is generally only for women that have had kids already and also if you have had an ectopic pregnancy, the coil is associated with an increased risk of having another one if it fails.

MusicIsMedicine Thu 25-Jun-15 13:52:49

Gilbert - yes - that's what I am trying to work out. Have I gone into some kind of hormonal place. Has he been so affected by things that he's taking these risks. What's caused two previously sane, sensible people to start doing this together.

When I got pregnant, at first we were both really shocked, then after a while we started talking about baby names, then he was rubbing my belly, then we found it was ectopic. I never even had a chance to get excited or enjoy the pregnancy. I had hoped for rather a bit more compassion given we have both just lost a baby, than to be judged and told I'm an irresponsible teenager, but each to their own.

RattleAndRoll Thu 25-Jun-15 13:54:23

Of course everyone here will be sorry for your loss OP. That's a given.
But can you see where we're all coming from with our advice / opinions?

Wherediditallgoright Thu 25-Jun-15 13:56:40

How can you say you are not 'trying' for a baby when you are willingly having unprotected sex?

I think you need to be clear in your own mind what you want. Then discuss it with him. You are a grown woman but you are not acting like it.

What are your feelings for each other?

foolonthehill Thu 25-Jun-15 13:56:49

If you "fall" pregnant with this man you will (probably) have a baby together, you will then definitely have a child together, who will grow into a teenager and then an adult.

Is this man someone whom you want to tie yourself to for the rest of your life as a co-parent?

If you can't even have a sensible discussion about contraception. If you can't even view him as a permanent fixture in your life (moving in together, ??marriage, old age) how could you hope to parent a child together?

Finances are the least of it.

And you may say that you would be happy to parent alone....but you probably won't be left to parent will be tied to him and he to you via another human being and their welfare.

I am not saying that some people can;t make a go of parenting apart but your post sounds far from sensible decisions....just leave it to chance why don;t you? then wonder what happened further down the track??? A child deserves more than that.

thatsshallot Thu 25-Jun-15 13:57:38

BUT OP whilst of course sad for your loss is precisely because of it - you have discovered exactly how to make babies and are doing everything you possibly can to make more whilst both pretending you're not

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Thu 25-Jun-15 13:58:07

Having a baby really is the most amazing thing and of course you want one. It sounds like you're both hoping for it to happen.

Just take a little more time to make sure he's the one. Hopefully he is - then you can go for it!

Fairylea Thu 25-Jun-15 14:00:31

You can get latex free condoms. I'm allergic to latex to the extent that when I had my c section they had to set up a separate theatre just to use as my allergy is that severe if there was any latex about - and I can still use latex free condoms.

I'm sorry for your loss but I think you are both playing with fire to be honest. You hardly know each other. I can't believe you'd risk your health like that to be honest - unprotected sex can be a killer.

Isetan Thu 25-Jun-15 14:02:01

Go to a family planning clinic and discuss options but this 'if it happens' approach is irresponsible. I would frown upon someone half your age being this stupid.

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