How to get husband to leave famiy home when I tell him it's over?

[lifebeginsat42]

So, some brief back story. I have been unhappy in our marriage for years. H is not nice to me and our relationship in now so sour we basically just muddle along as long as I don't cause any problems. We have no future and as much a ending it scares me, the thought of carrying on scares me more.

I feel that I am now finally ready to make a break from him. I've started looking in to tax credits etc on my salary and I'm compiling copies of papers etc and plan to find and see a local solicitor in the next couple of weeks. I need to do this before I tell him that I want to end the marriage as he has always threatened me saying he will take the children, he will get the family home, leave me penniless etc. Deep down I know that I have the law on my side but I want to have a basic understanding of what I can expect to walk away with so that his threats don't scare me so much.

My question is knowing he's going to go mad about this when I tell him, how can I get him to decide that it would be best if he leaves the family home. Day to day, apart from one morning a week, I manage all school drop offs and pick ups, do all day to day care of the kids, manage everything at home (shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing etc) and work 3 days. He goes to work! The point being it makes sense for me to remain here so I can maintain as much normality for our children as possible.

I think I could just about bear to have him continue to live here initially as long as some ground rules are set, but I would imagine this is going to become unbearable once he realises that I am actually entitled to more than he thinks and he starts to get angry.

I'd appreciate any thoughts or similar experiences that anyone can share.

I also plan to initially ask that we go to mediation to discuss splitting assets etc. My aim with this is to try and keep things as amicable as poss and to keep costs down. Does anyone have experience of this with an angry and potentially difficult partner?

Ta!

[AnyoneForTennis]

is he likely to become violent? I don't think you can actually force him to leave if he pays his rent/mortgage

[scallopsrgreat]

I think your solicitor may be able to advise but as AnyoneForTennis says I'm not sure you can force him.

You could make life uncomfortable for him living at home e.g. stop cooking meals, washing etc.

And keeping things as amicable as possible with an angry and difficult (and from the sounds of it, controlling) partner? I suspect he will have different ideas and this will be difficult to achieve. Already you are worried he won't leave. Those are not the suggested actions of someone who is likely to be amicable.

[lifebeginsat42]

I don't actually want to force him. In an ideal world I'd like him to see that it would be the easiest and fairest thing for his family. I'm really hoping to stay in the house long term. He earns a lot more than me and it will be easier for him to start over. My kids are still young - 5 and 8 - and we only moved here as year ago after we downsized to pay off debts from his failed business. To me it seems fair.

I think we could do it short term but I can see it getting v uncomfortable. Am I allowed to basically stop looking after him?

He has been violent before, but I would like if at all possible to keep this out of things as I would like to avoid further upset. I (stupidly) have no evidence of any incidents. The most recent was earlier this year and I deleted the pics of injuries. If he did become violent after all of this is out in the open then I would of course take action, but he is clever and manipulative and I suspect would not risk loosing his cool.

This is all so difficult as I know its going to be an absolute nightmare. The thought of the struggle is what makes me wonder at times whether I can face doing this. And then I'm back to square one and the thought of that is impossible. I just wish I could be one of those women who knows what she wants 100% and just go for it .

[scallopsrgreat]

"Am I allowed to basically stop looking after him?" Of course you are! He is an adult. He can look after himself! I'm beginning to think he's done a right number on you.

"He has been violent before..." And this confirms it. OK I think you need to readjust your perceptions on how "amicable" he is likely to be. You can be as reasonable as you can but given the picture you are painting of him, he is extremely unlikely to match you on reasonableness and in fact is far more likely to be actively unreasonable, confrontational and deliberately obstructive. You need to be prepared for that. You cannot make him put you and the children first and given he doesn't ever seem to have done that while you've been together, he isn't going to start when you state you want to split up. And as he has been violent I would really get recommend speaking to Women's Aid.

Absolutely get your ducks in a row before any hint of this to your H. Speak to the solicitor and make it clear to them that they will be dealing with an abusive and completely unreasonable man. If you don't feel confident they grasp this, I would look for another solicitor (Women's Aid may also be able to help with this).

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

[pocketsaviour]

OK, firstly as he has been violent before I would strongly suggest calling Womens aid and asking for advice on how to keep yourself safe when having this conversation with him.

If he does become violent - and this includes threatening you, blocking your way to leave the room, throwing objects or punching walls, etc - you must call 101 and report it (or 999 if you are in immediate danger, obviously.) For one, in DV cases you are entitled to legal aid to help you with the divorce costs. For two, it's likely that you would be able to get an occupation order and/or a non-molestation order that would get him out of the house and allow you to remain there with the DC.

I am not a lawyer - so please get proper legal advice on how to proceed. I would recommend you have all the info you need before you speak to him, so that if when he lies to you about how he's going to take the children blah blah blah you can remain calm and know that he's just spouting empty threats.

[lifebeginsat42]

Thanks for your replies.

Yes, I'm definitely getting as much info together as I can and will def speak to a solicitor before I announce my decision to him. He has said before he would destroy me and I'm fully expecting him to be furious. He is facing several legal actions re his failed business and he will say to me how could I do this to him when he has all this going on. But this is what's finally pushing me. We've already downsized our house and then re-mortgaged again earlier this year to free up to cash to pay off his debts. I see this going on and getting worse and I want to protect myself and my children from any further fallout before there's literally nothing left.

I have no expectation of him being amicable about any of it. He's going to be a grade A arsehole about everything, so the thought of living in that situ for months on end is awful, hence wondering how to make him think that it's best if he moves out.

I have no idea how to find a good solicitor who's up to this. I doubt the local family solicitor will cut it as H is very devious as I've seen through how he handles his business. I've posted on the Divorce board but didn't get any replies.

[scallopsrgreat]

OK Women's Aid may be able to help with finding a solicitor (I would still go and see your local one initially, you never know and they will be able to provide all sorts of other information about finances, the process of divorce etc).

CAB may also be a good resource for that.

Rights of Women website is also good.

A poster called olgaga used to have a really good post that she used to to copy and paste on to threads like this which had loads of great resources for women in your situation. I'll see if I can find one.

[lifebeginsat42]

Thanks scallops :-) I'll take a look at those websites.

[scallopsrgreat]

Here is a blog post which basically has the loads of information and resources that olgaga used to post:

Surviving Separation. Hopefully that will be of some use.