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(Ladies, I am back with more questions) The guilt of cheating is killing me

(27 Posts)
samantha303 Wed 24-Jun-15 22:34:59

I have posted here twice two months ago. I am not sure if any of you remember me.

The guilt of having cheated on my boyfriend is killing me everyday. I know all of you guys have suggested me to leave because of his previous abusive behaviour. but I do want to work things out still. Maybe I am just plain stupid.
As he has told his family and a lot of his friends I have cheated on him, it makes it almost impossible for me to go back to his life. Almost everday, I have one of those nightmares where everyone in his life calls me a bitch and say nasty things. I couldn't sleep well. I can't deal with the fact that I have done such horrible thing.
I felt slightly better these few days.BUT when I found out his mum unfriended me on facebook, I felt so horrible again.

It is SO difficult for me to even try to go back into his life because I know everyone hates me. I hate myself for cheating too.
I don't want to lose him. But I know I can only stay with him for a short period of time cos there is no chance I can face his loved ones and feel proud of myself ever again. I can't even imagine talking to his friends and family again.

How can I be with him while feeling sorry for myself? I do still love him very much.

I thought I had questions..I just needed to rant and cry alone in my room and talk to all of you ladies who have experience in life.. sad

samantha303 Wed 24-Jun-15 22:36:58

Today was my final exam results release date and I found out I got all firsts. But now I am crying in my room. sad

Osirus Wed 24-Jun-15 22:39:58

Everyone makes mistakes.

Fantastic exam results - you should feel so proud of what you've achieved.

samantha303 Wed 24-Jun-15 22:47:56

Sometimes I even feel sad by looking at his friends' facebook update, cos I think, all these people hate me

butterflygirl15 Wed 24-Jun-15 23:02:32

who cares what they think? Why do you want to be with him when he is an abuser?

samantha303 Wed 24-Jun-15 23:04:15

butterflygirl15 because I believe he is not an abuser at heart.

But I guess no one will believe I am not a cheater at heart..

Hissy Wed 24-Jun-15 23:33:28

Take your firsts and just get your life back in gear.

Ok so perhaps you made a mistake, you can't live with it, so move on.

By the sounds of it, you will feel better if you allow yourself to forgive yourself, let go of the past and move forwards.

Take a time out, and consider what your life can be

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Wed 24-Jun-15 23:39:59

Congratulations on your exam results- they are brilliant.

No one is going to give you advice on how to try to maintain an abusive relationship that is clearly causing you a lot of distress. Maybe seeking some counselling might help you come to terms with the situation though. Do you have much support in real life?

JesseandCeline Wed 24-Jun-15 23:40:03

I have done it once in my youth. I caused alot of pain, I suffered for it for ages, tormented by guilt and disliking myself. I convincedmyself I wanted to go back and tried evenrything. Even he tried ut howcould he?
Eventually after a few terrible months I recovered and remember I was not happy with him.

But I learnt avaluable lesson and wouldnever do it again. Ever.

JesseandCeline Wed 24-Jun-15 23:40:41

Try to detach yourself from his people. You. Arenot abad. Person.

samantha303 Wed 24-Jun-15 23:44:57

OneDayWhenIGrowUp I can't afford counselling unfortunately. I feel shamed and don't want to tell people. I did tell some people, but they dont have genuie advice/ so i posted on mumsnet sad

CalleighDoodle Wed 24-Jun-15 23:49:24

Congratulations on the exam results! You are now in the enviable position of having choices. The first one should be to walk away from the abusive boyfriend. Second, delete all the people who are his friends, rather than yours, on facebook. Phone friends, arrange nights out and have fun.

excitedbutscared Wed 24-Jun-15 23:51:07

Do you think you cheated because you were craving closeness from someone because the man you loved was abusing you and not giving it to you? If so (you're allowed to be honest with yourself), don't blame yourself. Don't feel bad. Don't care what people think of you - they don't know you or your relationship, how you feel inside or why you did what you did.

Put it down to experience - move on if you can. I know it sounds impossible right now, but it will be easier and the heartache and pain you are going through pondering whether to attempt to get back together with him is not worth wasting your energy on.

samantha303 Wed 24-Jun-15 23:55:11

JesseandCeline I don't speak to his friends and family anymore. I know the only way for me to forgive myself is to leave him, but i love him too much. I even feel guilty for saying I love him too much...because of what i did sad

How did you find the courage to leave him?

mellicauli Thu 25-Jun-15 00:08:41

You have some really negative thoughts going on there. Cheating is nothing to be proud of - but if your bf was giving you everything you needed emotionally/physically, you wouldn't have done it.

You really need to grab hold of those negative thoughts and give them no quarter. It is not something that is easy to do but you need to make a concerted effort to block them out. They have no place in your life. Fill all your time - exercise, friends, work, busy-ness, volunteering, meeting new people. Spend time being deliberately shallow and have some fun.

pinkyredrose Thu 25-Jun-15 00:14:09

not am abuser at heart what does that even mean?

pinkyredrose Thu 25-Jun-15 00:14:47


saltnpepa Thu 25-Jun-15 05:06:17

This is a road to nowhere. Sometimes in life things are doomed and this is. Your results are your road out, get walking.

Vivacia Thu 25-Jun-15 05:29:12

I thought you both tried counselling at uni and they refused because of his abusive behaviour?
I thought you wanted to get back with him but he isn't interested?
You're not going to get any different advice this time.

TheDowagerCuntess Thu 25-Jun-15 05:31:48

There are a zillion other men out there. Why fixate on this one, when it's so clearly doomed?

Hell, you could even give being single a whirl...

Vivacia Thu 25-Jun-15 05:37:45

And am I right in thinking you weren't able to give consent when you "cheated" with his mate?

AnyFucker Thu 25-Jun-15 07:50:16

are you the young lady who was sexually assaulted by his mate who he remains friends with and has tormented you about it ever since

cut him loose he is a toxic abuser

not sure how many more ways it can be said

butterflygirl15 Thu 25-Jun-15 08:48:23

I don't understand how you can justify his abuse of you. It seems ludicrous.

You need to forget about your cheating and focus on the fact that him, and his family, are abusive. And you need to run for the hills as fast as you can. This self flagellation is daft - come on you are an educated woman. You deserve better than this don't you?

YonicScrewdriver Thu 25-Jun-15 08:52:09

I didn't see your last thread.

If his family and friends are insulting you daily and you are miserable, leave. That's aside from the abuse and other issues.

You have no kids together and your relationship is making your life worse. That's enough of a reason to go.

Who knows what the future will hold but you need to break this misery.

MorrisZapp Thu 25-Jun-15 08:52:55

Cheating isn't great but it's hardly a crime, especially when your bf is a twat.

Move on. There's no future with this idiot. How do you do it? By doing it.

I cheated on my first bf, so bloody what.

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